Tuesday, October 30, 2007

D-List Monsters of Super-Hero Land: Anthony Lupus, Part Two

"Love... exciting and new...!" What's great about the middle act of "Detective Comics" #505, is that nearly every scene seems like the set-up for porno flick. With Bruce Wayne as the "bottom."


Porno Set-Up #1: Bruce Wayne, in his best purple suit, cocks his ear and his hips in the direction of two brawny, angry men. (The bearded guy is actually quite a looker, as you'll see in the later panels... it's just that this is a bad angle for him. Speaking for myself, I have no "bad angles" but I try to sympathize with the genetically less-fortunate. That's why I put up with Tusker and Storm Boy!)


Porno Set-Up #2 (in a film I'd call "Bruce's Choice"): Clayton's manly "native" parka and boots have sealed the deal for Bruce! Time for a little light stalking, and then he makes his move!


"Without another word, Bruce Wayne closed the door. Tenderly, he took Clayton's hand and began to suck on his thumb, all the while staring deeply, longingly, into Clayton's eyes...

With his free hand, Clayton pressed the intercom button. 'Carrie,' he murmured, 'Hold all my calls...'

That's Porno Set-Up #3, by the way. "I.O.U.s"! Haw! Careful, Clayton... Bruce is insatiable! But at least he pays for it.


Two men, braving the elements, away from the comforts -- and rules! -- of civilized society? Sign me up!


Porno Set-Up #4: "Unbidden, a pained sigh escaped Bruce's sensuous lips. 'Oh, the cold air, it's just having its way with me,' he cried. Bruce's powerful limbs seemed drained of their legendary strength. As fatigue overtook him, he could almost feel the indomitable Clayton's steel-gray eyes sweeping over him, contemptuously, yet hungrily..."

C'mon! I don't care how cold it is, we're talking about The Dad-Blasted Batman, here! He's not gonna go all soft just 'cause he forgot to wear earmuffs! But then, Seasoned Professional Gerry Conway wouldn't be able to indulge his Jack London fantasies if he couldn't talk about people freezing to death. Gah.

Anyway, Bruce and Clayton (who never gets a first name) find Lupus' cabin, and decide to make themselves at home, just like Goldilocks!


"A night unlike those Bruce Wayne has known in Gotham City..." (Porno Set-Up #5.) Just think how angry he'll be when he gets back! And he'll surely demand satisfaction...! (The lights dim, amateurish techno music fades in, etc., etc.)


I think ol' Brucie-Boy is already pitching a tent. And what in tarnation is he doing with his hand--?

Y'know what? The sexual tension is just too pungent at this point. Something needs to happen! Conway, could you just go ahead a write in a make-out session for these dudes, or...


Oh. A werewolf attack! That'll work, too! So the two dudes start making out with the werewolf, and... no?


Check out the doorknob, by the way. (And no, that is not one of my come-on lines. I don't care what Storm Boy tells you. It's a damn lie.)

No, it's another Seasoned Professional Gerry Conway trademark: the Easily Startled Inanimate Object.

Tomorrow: action! Just not the sexy kind.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Wow, the way Wayne caresses that guy's face while holding the cash is sexy. And I'm not even into dudes.

Anonymous said...

So...Conway is pro-environment in Alaska, I guess? And inanimate objects that make religious exclamations?

I like Clayton's line of questioning: "We know you care about the environment and all, but why the heck did you come out to it? You know it's a wasteland out here, right?"

And yeah, right after Bruce touches the guy with the crumpled c-note, he presumably gets arrested in a sting, but never mind that, there's a werewolf to harass!

Scipio said...

"I think ol' Brucie-Boy is already pitching a tent. "

That one almost made me fall out of my chair...

Chance said...

Yeah, I was gonna say, it really looks like Bruce is caressing Conway's face, like jon said.

Boy, this comic is homoerotic.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: It'd look sexier to me, if Bruce's weirdly-lit paw didn't resemble one of those disembodied "Infantino" hands that were always perching inside the caption boxes in old issues of "The Flash."

Anonymous: I think Conway is "pro-environment" in general, but it's kind of hard to tell, since all of his characters are jerks.

Scipio: I couldn't pass on a set-up like that, Scip! I'm glad it tickled ya!

Chance: And for a Batman comic, that's really saying something...!

Erich said...

I think the doorknob and the cup of coffee from Roy Thomas' "Mole" story would make a lovely couple...

Dave said...

Now I wanna see a crossover between Mark Trail and The Ferschluggener Batman.

Perhaps they could team up to prevent a greedy career-woman developer and her henchman-cum-husband, "The Beard", from destroying the last nest of the endangered Lost Forest Ubiquiduck.

Bill S. said...

I'm reading this while listening to Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Coincidence?

Well, yeah, probably.

Personally, I think there's a tiny person living in that gigantic key hole in the last panel. I mean, the speech balloon is clearly pointing towards the keyhole, and not the door knob!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Erich: I know the cup has been lonely, ever since the dish ran away with the spoon...

Dave: Awesome link! So that Johnny Malotte guy sends his own son out to "pick up" not one, but two men? Holy balls! I don't approve of him using his own son as a procurer, but I do admire his dapper little mustache. (I might have to try that one, some day.)

Bill S.: Haw! I like your explanation better than mine. Hey, maybe that's where Ray Palmer was hiding out! Until the whole werewolf attack, natch.