Thursday, February 07, 2008

Invalid Response


Curse that Blockade Boy Revenge Squad! A space-pox on them, I say! Pernicious fuckwads--!

They broke into my bachelor pod Sunday morning, while I was passed out drunk at church! I returned to find the place ransacked, and Cootie gnawing on the severed foot of one of the perpetrators. (Before I could take the lonely appendage to the crime lab, Cootie had swallowed the entire thing. Dang it.) At first, I just thought the Revenge Squad had stolen a few items, like my kangobronc trench, and my fifty-liter drum of Bubble Helmet Cologne For Especially Manly Men. But that night, when I went through my regular "handsomifying" routine (in front of a picture window, natch) I received a horrific shock! No sooner had I slathered my fur-bearing form in moisturizing creme, then all my body hair fell out onto the floor, with a tinkling sound one usually associates with the sickly tree from "A Charlie Brown Christmas." The Revenge Squad had replaced my lotion with a depilatory! I immediately collapsed to the floor, deathly ill, and weak as a kitten. I swear I saw a flashbulb go off in the distance. I've been laid up on my stone slab of a bed since then, while my pelt grows back, even thicker and more alluring than ever before. Klup and Ox have been most comforting, and the gang back at the detective agency sent me a basket of imported space-wines and soylent sausages. It was a real sweet gesture.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to blog in the last three days, and blogging might be spotty for the next week, but I should be back up on my furry feet real soon.

Stay hairy, guys!


Gus Casals said...

"Stay furry" ? Always, B-Boy, I can't help it.

As for your missing grows back, better than ever. In the meantime, maybe it's time to take advantage and hit the are brand new merchandise, you'll be a hit.

I deman a hairless pic, too!

LurkerWithout said...

Space Gorilla's from Space Gorilla City groove on the hairless. I'm just saying...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Are you saying the like Sampson, the source of your strength is your hair?

Bill S. said...

As if there was ever any doubt about the source of his strength!

BB, I'm beginning to think that you need to be more proactive in dealing with the Blockade Boy Revenge Squad. Slipping you a mickey and taking pictures of you in drag is one thing, but slipping you a depilatory is just crossing a line that should not be crossed! (Although I did get a giggle out of the tinkling sound. I am now picturing you doing the Charlie Brown wail ["AUUGH!"] while standing knee-deep in a pile of fur.)

Anonymous said...

Hair removing cream? It sounds more like you were attacked by the Fabulous Freebirds than the Blockade Boy Revenge Squad. Maybe on one of your drunken nights out you stumbled onto Badstreet, Atlanta, GA.

My apologies to anyone that doesn't get that reference.

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about a temporary body hair wig? It's a skin coloured stocking that's covered with...I've said too much.


Nate said...

I've got just one word for ya!


Jeremy Rizza said...

Gustavo: I was too depressed (and woozy) to go outside, unfortunately. (Not that this stopped vast herds of Twinks from accumulating at my doors and windows, twittering my name.) As for a hairless pic, I'm thinking it'll turn up someday, along with that leather pic you mentioned. Darn that Revenge Squad!

Lurker: Klup says you're grossing him out. (Quit yer yappin' and get back to work, Klup.)

Jon: Given that the only other explanation is that I'm a big vain baby... er, yeah.

Bill S.: Damn right. I need to come down on the Revenge Squad like the Circa 1938 Superman comes down on a shady landlord. (Blockade Boy: the Wrath of Amadus!)

David: Wow! That was like a far-less-hairy version of my high school glee club!

Phil and Gyuss: I'd rather die. (But thanks for the suggestion.)

Anonymous said...

A nonhirsute Blockade boy? No punishment is too severe for that!


Anonymous said...

In happier days, that would've been you in the background, tending to your topiaries...

googum said...

Bastards! Here's hoping your revenge is epic and painful. Oh, and that you feel better, too.

Incidentally, do you know the brand of depilatory they used? Because I swear my upper lip is trying to block shaving and grow some kind of Hitler/J. Jonah Jameson style mustache, and I'm using a scorched earth policy fighting it.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Nico: Agreed, pal! Maybe I can get Storm Boy to rig me up one of those Frank Milleresque "Dark Knight" battle tanks, only covered inside and out in thick, luxurious fur.

Chawunky: Haw!-worthy, as usual.

Googum: My official policy is that you should stop fighting nature, and grow a big, walrus-y mustache as soon as possible.