Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Cabbage Patch Cooties


Please, won't you give these adorable super-powered kitties a home? Each kitten is a four-in-one value, since they'll split into four even cuter kitties at random intervals! They're sweet and precious and fun and they totally won't destroy all your valuable collectibles with their out-of-control otherworldly powers. Scout's honor.*

All you have to do is claim the kitty in the comments section of this post, and write about it on your own blog. Let me know when you do, and I'll link to it! Just don't be mean to the kitties, because then I will POUND YOUR ASS, and not in the fun way. Also, I'm totally fine with duplicate claims, although I seriously can't imagine that even happening. But I have a duplicator ray on hand, just in case.

Let's take a look at the merchandise irrepressible li'l munchkins, shall we?


Here's Bosko! Bosko Black can tap into a weird "shadow dimension" to project huge blobs of inky terrifying ectoplasm! Bosko Yellow has a nifty "paralysis" ray that can stop anybody in their tracks with only minor side-effects! Bosko Orange spews acid from various orifices at a range of up to eleven meters! And Bosko Red can shrink down to microscopic size and give you a stroke by gnawing on your brain add the perfect touch to any knick-knack shelf.


Say "hi" to Fizzle! Fizzle Aqua has mind-control powers, so you don't even have to bother with buying food or changing the litter box. That's what the zombie hobos are for. Fizzle Yellow shoots lighting! (Surge protector sold separately.) Fizzle Pink can walk through walls and fall through floors! And not onto your table in the middle of important meetings with your press agent! Nope! Fizzle Purple has super-speed! Try putting Fizzle Purple on a treadmill hooked up to a generator, and watch your power bills plummet!


Look out! It's Chunkstyle! Chunkstyle Bronze can expand into a Harryhausenesque giant monster whose looks will stop traffic... literally! Chunkstyle Gold can transform into a Colossus-style armored juggernaut, which is kinda cool until it's time to "knead bread" on your lap. (Might I recommend wearing a cup?) Chunkstyle Copper can teleport to any location, and positively won't embroil you in an intergalactic scandal by fetching valuable jewels from foreign embassies! Chunkstyle Silver's "freeze breath" is handy for chilling soda pop, beer, or the privates of certain friends who have taken to hanging out at your sweet-ass bachelor pod and are totally jacking with my game, Storm Boy. Er, but I digress.

Adopt one today! It's the latest thing (I've decided)!

*This is not a legally binding guarantee.


Dr. Nemonok said...

I would love one of those things, er cats for one of my evil experiments, er to give to my girlfriend. I'll take that third one, thank you

Gus Casals said...

I can't help but look at these creatures from a mere decorative standpoint.
If you cross Bosko and Fizzle, you'd get the gay flag. Think of the possibilities! all those DINKS spending money on your genetically enhaced space kittens...who needs the detective agency?
And if you'd rather go niche, Chunkstyle has the colors of the Bear Flag ( and "Chunky" as part of the name!). Just reconvert this blog into a sales site, and you are set.

Bill S. said...

I call Chunkstyle!

Wait, do I have to train them once, or four times?

Anonymous said...

"That's what the zombie hobos are for."


My goodness, talk about your handfulls.

Nate said...

Let me know which one I can have for my very own. I've got a warm space on the right side of my blog that such a kitty would fit perfectly into.

Private Hudson said...

No way man, one time I had a squirrel in my footlocker and the Sarge yelled at me for a week.

Jeremy Rizza said...

I swear to the Luck Lords I left a big comment here last night. Huh. Maybe I jacked it up and didn't save it. Oh, well.

Nemonok: Done and done!

Gustavo: There probably will be some ads for a project by my old roommate, Jeremy Rizza. I've sold out!

Bill S.: No prob! I'll just fire up the duplicator ray... And you only have to train these kitties once, if you can keep them integrated in one body for long enough. And good luck with that.

Chawunky: Yeah, my bachelor pod is a mess right now. It's a good thing my furniture is hewn from chunks of solid granite, or else there wouldn't be anything left.

Gyuss: You can have any kitten you desire. (Duplicator ray!)

Private Hudson: Dang. If only I had a kitty who could turn invisible!

Henchman432 said...

The Hench man would love a kitty.

Johnathan said...

Gosh, I hope I'm not too late to adopt. One catastrohic Windows failure and you miss, like, everything.

Jeremy Rizza said...

I'm packin' a duplicator ray, fellas, (AND I'm happy to see you) so take as many of the li'l kitties as you'd like!

Jardena said...

They're lovely, but I don't think apartment is big enough... Do they have the shedding power of one cat or four?

Anonymous said...

It can be lonely in the Lost Hemisphere, where our days are filled with trading cards and similar shenanigans.

Mayhap a kitty will keep Beta Ray Bill company.