Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Three Of Infinity

mish mash

Ever wonder what a Marvel Zombie visualizes when he's masturbating? Yeah, pretty much someone like that guy. Only sometimes with boobs. Sometimes.

This is how the Beyonder first appeared when he came to our universe in "Secret Wars 2" #1. Y'know, I was scratching my head, trying to figure out what the big white ponytail was emulating and then it finally hit me: it's Storm's hair! No wonder he switched bodies; Storm probably spends forty hours a week, minimum, keeping that huge mass o' hair looking all glossy and fabulous. (*knock knock knock* "Storm, it's Angel! Can I just squeeze into the bathroom with ya for a few minutes? I gotta touch up my highlights!" "Keep out! I'm conditioning!")

Two things I absolutely adore about this panel:
1. It's never explained how the couch got like that, or if it's even the Beyonder's fault. As you can see, the Molecule Man's pad is kind of a dump anyhow . Observe the cracked plaster on the back wall. Maybe the Molecule Man is apologizing to the Beyonder for his furniture's general crappiness. Or maybe the Beyonder was just exceptionally windy that day. And his farts glow!
2. "I'm not sure he's ready for Laverne and Shirley." This line is so wrong, it's Zen.

In "Secret Wars 2" #7, the Beyonder chills on a beach..


...where he pairs one of his trademark flared-shoulder tops with clamdiggers. No wonder he looks depressed. If I saw my reflection and realized I was wearing that outfit, I'd probably want to kill myself. Luckily, his suicidal reverie is interrupted by Wolverine's blonder, fatter cousin. Or maybe it's Tubby from the old "Little Lulu" comics, all grown up and furry-chested and livin' large!

hairy guy

My memories of the 80's are a mite hazy -- I'll have to go visit them again sometime! -- but was every single shirt collar turned up back then? 'Cause that's my impression from reading this series. What, was there an overabundance of starch in that decade? Was gravity less influential? Honestly, I'm flummoxed!

So here we have two guys wearing (allegedly) stylish clothing, in a tropical paradise, in the 1980's. I think it's safe to assume they're starring in a detective show.

Let's see... who else was a bloody car wreck when it came to 80's fashions? Oh, I know!


Rachel Summers! But of course. Braided mullet, check. Tights with suspenders, check. Boots of a clashing color and noncommittal length, check. Rachel's so preoccupied that she doesn't notice an angry, fashion-conscious mob is pelting her with debris. "Your top shouldn't match your pants!" they holler at her. "And do something about your hair! What are you, twelve?" But she pays no heed. She just fluffs up her forelock and busts out her Bangles' "Walk Like An Egyptian" dance. In the background, Cannonball is so unnerved that he starts to keel over sideways, his fists clenching anxiously. Shadowcat and Dazzler, having run out of things to throw at Rachel, decide to just tackle her and pummel her senseless.

Sounds like a good plan.


Anonymous said...

Holy Moley.

Anonymous said...

I, Anonymous, must secretly admit to you all, that I love Molecule Man's general shitheeledness. He's got his crappy apartment, his Barcalounger, his tacky piece of Mac Worthington sculpture, and his big, beautiful woman. Plus, he's omnipotent, so you know that whatever he has, he's genuinely happy with. I'm always just like "Right on, Molecule Man!"

As for Rachel, isn't she from a dystopian possible future? Wasn't her world a chilling vision of things to come? Way to be sensitive, BB! Give her a break, she's apparently just a padawan!

Anonymous said...

Whose beefy arms are those on the wingaling dragon up there? I can't place them.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Chawunky: I didn't mean to blow your mind.

Anonymous 1: Absolutely agree about the Molecule Man. The godlike l'il fella is highly adorable. Also, how could I mistake the telltale signs of a Jedi in training? Dopey me! (How come I'm so dumb? Am I from space or something?)

Cozmic: Thanks, and yes, I think I can top myself! (runs to get step ladder.)

Anonymous 2: I have no idea. Taking away Klaw's right sonic cannon (in lieu of a right hand) it's pretty generic. My best guess is, it's the Absorbing Man's. If there had been a big red-and-black bracelet on the left arm, I would have said "Thor" but no such luck.

Anonymous said...

No sweat there, I think my wits are collected now.

But all I can wonder is why Cap's weilding a plastic toboggan?