Wednesday, November 22, 2006

How To Duplicate Iron Man's Armor Without Really Trying

bbhead100906 In "Iron Man" #1, a standard-issue mad scientist named Mordius (as opposed to Biff, Ernie, or Jo-Jo) manufactures some knock-offs of Iron Man's armor.

Ever go shopping for, say, a DVD player and wind up going with the Goldstar instead of the Sony because it's cheaper?

Yeah, this was kind of like that.


cheapironman


Other problems with the Mordius versions?
  1. Sound effect made by the repulsor rays: "ZACHBRAAF!"
  2. In some models, repulsor rays replaced by more economical but less helpful "delouser rays."
  3. They're padded with comfy asbestos.
  4. The shoulder joints utilize the finest in Snaptite technology.
  5. No roller skates, but a unicycle pops out of the codpiece.
  6. The helmets distort the wearer's voice so he sounds just like Paul Lynde.
  7. Due to a flaw in the electromagnetic shielding, long-term use can cause brain damage. The symptoms: addictive behavior, priapism, and suddenly turning into a complete asshole for no good reason.
  8. When you walk around, the segmented underwear makes a really loud "zhizzhh zhizzhh zhizzhh" noise, like corduroy pants do.
  9. When disassembled, they somehow manage to take up even more space than before. They can't be stored in anything smaller than a steamer trunk.
  10. If you have to pee, forget about it.
  11. Can't recharge using American outlets unless you get the special voltage converter (sold separately).
  12. One of the helmets stinks like rotten eggs. Probably because Mordius put an egg salad sandwich in there this one time and he forgot about it for like a week, man.
  13. The boots all have a sort of low-rise heel and pointy toes that make them look a bit girly in my opinion.
  14. Never feed them after midnight, and never get them wet.

On a personal note... since I'm from a far-flung era where all mankind lives in harmonious cooperation I don't celebrate this "Thanksgiving" everybody keeps talking about. So instead I'll be enjoying an intimate turkey supper at Clive Barker's house!

stuffingcage

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

7. Due to a flaw in the electromagnetic shielding, long-term use can cause brain damage. The symptoms: addictive behavior, priapism, and suddenly turning into a complete asshole for no good reason.

Well, I'm not going to beat that but...

15. In-helmet HUD impossible to program, keeps blinking "12:00".

16. Only works with Region 5 repulsar rays.

17. Fine print says it's "Hulk-resistant", not "Hulk-proof".

18. Made in Vietnam.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

ha! "ZACHBRAAF!" I love it.

I'm at work, so I've only got time to add one more:

19. Manufacturer claims "One size fits all," but pants only come in size 40x30 and torso is size XL.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

20. Does not come equipted with stainless steel stuffing cage.

21. Boot jets fizzle out above 50 feet.

22. Electronic whine of internal servos cause squirrels to attack the suit in a frenetic rage.

Kon-El said...

23. the sonic blaster is a leprechaun mating call.

24 Sometimes suits will go where they want not where you want.


MAy make you Punch Capitan America

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

25. Armor may give you a wedgie and/or plumber's crack.

Darth Nepharia said...

As far as the stuffing cage, it looks rather obscene and practical at the same time....