Thank you, Anonymous Commenter, for tipping me off about my latest rival: Southern Cross. That'd be the guy with the 80's Metal hair flying behind Delta Burke. It just so happens Southern Cross is not only a superhero, but he's also a fashion designer. *waves arms furiously and stomps around* Man, everybody's tryin' to copy my deal! First Storm Boy and now this loser! Huh? What do you mean, "You're from the future so technically he was first?" Whose side are you on? What? No, the Wasp doesn't count, either. Phht. Whatever. I've time-travelled to the 1940's, y'know. That means I predated all of those guys.
So there.
Okay, now we've got that unpleasantness taken care of, let's dish!
Southern Cross -- real name: Bertram Davis, which automatically restricted his employment options to either "fashion design" or "tea room proprietor" -- first appeared in various Australian comics published by Cyclone back in the 80's. He's telekinetic and can fly super-fast. To quote the International Superheroes database, "He uses a power cane which amplifies his power; while he does not need it to employ his paranormal power, it boosts those abilities considerably." So, let's say we're tussling in a deserted warehouse and he's zooming around up near the rafters and I use one of my patented flying karate kicks to jump thirty feet straight up in the air (disclaimer: I can't actually do that) and I knock the cane from his hands. Suddenly he'd be restricted to flying about two feet off the ground at maybe five miles per hour. Bertie's outfit isn't bad, but it's terribly boring, and it's got those pointless armband thingies I hate. They don't add anything to the design; they're merely there. Anyway, the main point is that we've got white, bun-hugging spandex, sunglasses, a fluffy mane of hair and a big pimpin' cane. Therefore, Southern Cross = a crimefighting David Lee Roth.
Y'know, it's astounding what a good haircut and a dye job can do. Let's take another look at Southern Cross, this time drawn by one of my favorite artists, Jerry Ordway.
Why, Southern Cross, you're cute! Look at you! Sort of a late-model Jon Bon Jovi thing you've got going on there. Also, don't turn around but that one walrus is totally checking you out. Side note: I have no idea who the clown in the lifepreserver is back there or what it is he's so goddamned pleased about. Maybe it's because he knows he has a bigger stick than Southern Cross. Woo! Freudianism... that's an untapped well for comedy, huh?
Southern Cross belongs to a superteam called the Southern Squadron. My one question is, if Southern Cross is a fashion designer, why would he let his friends go out looking like this?
Yikes. Southern Cross' hair is in full Howard Stern mode here. It also reminds me of Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen. I remember when that star couple married, and their hair became as one. It was beautiful. On a spiritual level, I mean. The anorexic Beast-wannabe -- or "wanna-Beast" for short -- is "Dingo," a Serbian werewolf. Wha-? But wolves aren't dingos... how can... feh! You lost me on that one, Southern Squadron. It's like having Ursa Major on your team and telling him, "You can turn into a brawny humanoid bear, right? So we've decided your codename will be Kangaroo." And he's wearing a unitard. Aha! No wonder he's so emaciated -- he's a ballerina! The guy in the boring Golden Age-style costume is named "Night Fighter" -- apparently he takes Ambien and then sleepwalks into biker bars and breaks pool cues over people's heads. And the woman with the stern black pantsuit and about twenty pounds of White Rain in her hair is "Lieutenant Smith." Really? So that's like a military regulation hairdo you got, honey? Do the men in your unit have to wear their hair like that as well? Or do they look more like Ted Danson circa "Cheers?" (I like how she's archly pointing at the reader, like "You! You drew me like this! And there shall come a reckoning!") Later, the hairstyles got even more egregious. For nearly all of them!
Finally, a sentiment I can get behind! Wow. I want to confiscate their styling mousse, tout de suite. And what happened to Dingo's face? Suddenly he's a Lhasa Apso! But at least he got some highlights. That plain dark brown was doing nothing for him. Lieutenant Smith is sporting a mullet, as designed by Jack Kirby. It's the mullet the Queen of the Norns or the Lighting Lady would have had! If they'd lived in Alabama! As for Southern Cross, it looks like he could serve drinks from atop his hairdo, it's so smooth and flat. And do my eyes deceive me, or has he added a couple of Grampa Munsterish white streaks to that mess? *shudder* That leaves Night Fighter, hiding his hair from us like always. I wonder what it looks like under that cowl. For some reason I'm picturing an elaborate comb-over. No idea who the Darkhawk clone is, but a mask that covers your entire face is a great way of saying, "I don't even know these people." Can't say as I blame him.
8 comments:
ahhh I'm so proud to be Australian right now.
Not.
:o\
I noticed something about the guy in the lifepreserver: the G he's wearing on his chest looks exactly like the chest emblem Guy Gardner wore in his post-Green Lantern, pre-Warrior days. That means that he's actually ripping off Guy "Moe Howard haircut" Gardner for fashion tips.
And that is far more disturbing than anything else about this comic.
About all of the small publisher superhero books from around that time had the most atrocious combination of hideous costume design and amateurish artwork. I recently read the big Eclipse crossover and was that ever an ugly mess. Now that I think about it, the muddy printing on cheap paper can't possibly have helped either. Good thing I was so undiscerning, I suppose. That's my generation's own Image revolution to live down.
Bill
Yay! Obscure Australian Superheroes in the house!
You know, it's funny. The Jerry Ordway one not only has better hair, but he fills him out a lot more. I know I've seen drawings of him where he's skinny as a rail. From what I've read, Aussie superhero comics had a bit more humor going in them in the 80's, maybe they thought they'd make him look funnier. I know the only place I've ever seen any of these guys was the Munden's Bar backup to an old Grimjack comic. SC and Nightfighter and some other guy walk into a sci-fi bar full of tough guy aliens and such. Everyone mocks SC's hair and general deportment until finally he flips and beats up everyone in the place while NF drinks beer. I don't hate his costume, but if you're committed to the pimp stick and the big goofy goggles, I think you ought to go all out and have a bit more color. There's another Malibu cover where they put a big 80's jacket on him and the resemblance to the Beyonder is uncanny.
Apparently The Yellow G, or whoever, is the only supervillain on the continent because he is on all of their covers. His most insidious crimes are graffito-tagging (unknown at the time in Australia) and Walrus Denouncing (they're like pandas, if you even look at them during the mating season, they can't perform).
I don't know who that one guy with the visor is. I suspect that it's a mannequin the Southern Squadron put there in order to make them look a little tougher.
Raz: Checked out your blog and loved it! You seem like a really funny, interesting guy and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Crowdedhouse: Holy cats, you're right! I wonder if that means there's a comic somewhere in which Night Fighter takes down the G guy with one punch.
Bill: "Total Eclipse," right? Yup, that was a real slog to try to get through. It didn't help that Eclipse had some of the most boring superhero properties ever. Remember "Polestar?" *yawn*
Anonymous: Jeebus. "Malibu." Between you and Bill, you're dredging up some unpleasant 80's comic memories for me. Excellent point about the color scheme on Southern Cross. He could have been the Magical Flying Rainbow Pimp, but no, he had to pretend he actually still held onto a shred of dignity. And an extra-special HAW! to you for the very concept of "Walrus Denouncing."
By Golden Age, you mean Sandman stolen right? And Australia's greatest heroes sure do suck!
Hee! Yeah, I noticed that about Night Fighter's costume, too. But I'd expended so much bile on the rest of them I was plumb tuckered out. You nailed it, though!
Hah! You should see Lnt. Smith's previous costumes. Beret, domino mask, kind of a liontamer/Sgt. Pepper's thing going on- actually I'm making it sound better than it was. Dingo in his human form would just lump around in a wifebeater, but he DID have the best mo in comics, and I know you like you some facial hair. Give points to Bertie for being metrosexual back when it was just "poofy". And the walrus actually did try to make out with him, I'm afraid. Oh, don't hate on Dark Nebula, he had a tunic bottom and loose mid-forearm sleeves, that was friggin' revolutionary back then. If you really want to see some scary 80's Oz superhero fashion, check out "Niteside and the Rock", think bald with a ponytail, and the other one as Gene Simmons' cute sister.
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