Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Corpulent Identity

bbhead100906 I'm all better! The only lingering side-effect is a powerful urge to lick my own balls. ...Only now that I think about it, I had that before. So, not too long ago I showed you all Firestorm's quick-change fashion show nightmare from the back-up story in "Flash" #304 (December, 1981). The main story in that issue introduced probably the least-appealing villain design of that year (which is really saying something). It's the one-man Royal Flush Gang of Tomorrow, Colonel Computron!

computrondesk

I'm surprised Marvel didn't swipe this design and call it Kingpin 2099! This is how I imagine the president of Jeremy's cable provider to look, by the way. In this issue, Computron makes trouble for one Mister Willard Walter Wiggins, who previously had the genius idea of hiring his shady illegitimate son to promote his company's line of boomerangs. Writer Cary Bates is very cagey about Computron's identity, but a Len Strazewski story in the (mulleted version of) Starman comic would confirm that the villain was, indeed, a Wiggins employee, nebbishy Basil Nurblin. A few pages before this scene, Wiggins had insulted Nurblin with a measley $99.95 bonus despite his creating their company's most profitable item. And then Nurblin had to hear about it from his shewish, Agnes Moorhead-like wife. So you can't blame him for snapping. I should also add that both Nurblin is thin as a rail, so I can't account for how fleshy his face looks in that suit.

Now, about that suit: I know that computer graphics circa 1981 were pretty blocky and the "in thing" for sci-fi at the time was to make everything look like a Star Destroyer and artist Carmine Infantino had entered his Etch A Sketch Period by then but goddamn. That is one ungainly, clunky looking pile of crap. My Lord, just the beady little eyes--! It's hideous! Hey, let's see him in (flabby, lard-assed, grunting, phlegm-gurgling) action!

computronsmash

Don't underestimate him. Computron's fat like a sumo wrestler, but he's also strong, like a... sumo wrestler. Huh. Not my best simile. Oh, and that smudge on one of Computron's word balloons is from a Snickers bar Jeremy ate about twenty-five years ago. You know, if he was famous, that would have made the comic book more valuable, not less. Hurry up and get famous, Jeremy! Anyway, Computron must be aware of his serious figure flaw because he does what all unattractive people like to do: he surrounds himself with people (or in his case, robots) who are even uglier!

computronblip

This is like the worst budoir photo I've ever seen. Also, check out the sad, forced smiles on the faces of Blip-One and Blip-Two. Look familiar? I'll give you a hint. Imagine Blip-Two on the red carpet at a movie premiere with Tom Cruise's arm around it.

5 comments:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

So what was the deal with Carmine INfantion's work? When I was a kid, I just couldn't get into the Flash because everyone looked half drawn with giant square jaws.

The Fortress Keeper said...

I hear Colonel Computron's outfit will be the inspiration for Iron Man's next suit of armor.

Darth Nepharia said...

Hey! Where's the costume redesign? I always look forward to those. Or was the original design just so hideous that it just 'blocked' all your creativity? :D

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Yikes. The 1980s. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

OK, I spent four whole minutes trying to think up some way to redesign that monstrosity.

What did I come up with? A crossbreed between Howard the Duck and the Banana Junior 6000 from "Bloom County". A big, beige, cigar-chomping box resembling a Macintosh Classic on two stubby feet, with a big black-and-white screen on which it draws its face. When the Kernel gets mad, the face gets low-res and blocky.

Oh yeah, and forget the arms. This box is telekinetic.

No, I'm not proud.