Friday, November 03, 2006

Stark F***ers

lancelothead Happy turkey season, turkeys! How'd your Halloween go? Get any? Yeah, I didn't think so. Of course, the ol' Steele-Man made out like a total bandit! As a lark, I dressed in drag (the better to emphasize my brawny manliness, of course) and a couple of lite beers later I found myself in the middle of a steamy sex-pile with a passle of ladies costumed as a biker gang! The costumes were astoundingly realistic, by the way -- the only way I could tell they were women was the fact they were making out with me! And then one of them put an ether-soaked rag over my mouth and things got really freaky! Or at least, that's what I've been able to glean from the blackmail photos. But I digress. I'm here to help you, the hyposexual fanboy loser nerd. Let's see what we can learn from the example set by the jetsetting Prince of Playas, Tony "The Pony" Stark!


Nothing says "down on all fours, if it's not too much of a bother" like black silk. Incorporate black silk into your wardrobe whenever possible! As the head of a Fortune 500 company, Tony has to rock the "business casual" look, so he can't just walk around in black silk pajamas all the time. Unfortunately. But where there's a boner, there's a way! Tony merely fakes a carpal tunnel injury and voila! Black silk sling! Bonus tip: come up with a cute name for your girlfriend's vagina!


Nazi costumes are so last year. Next time you want to spice things up, try role-playing as an East German army officer! Or for maximum kinkiness, try North Korean! Do that crazy goose-step into the bedroom and your theoretical lady friend will "open her borders" for "reunification"... unless the "UN weapons inspectors" show up. Wait, what? That was one too many metaphors. And I'm not even sure I know what it means! You know what, just forget that last part.


It's brawn, not brains, that snag the babes. Here's an example: Tony apparently thinks Acapulco is a ski resort nestled somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. (Inside the briefcase: mittens, snowshoes, and one of those little knit caps with the pom-pom on top.) But I'll be darned if he doesn't score with the first passer-by he meets! Why? Because he walks with a confident stride and he has a fantastic bod. Just look at those legs! And that ass! Dude is freaking scrumptious... er, is what a woman would say.


Okay, so let's say you actually manage to land a girlfriend (unlikely, I know, but bear with me here) and you piss her off big time. Maybe she came home to her apartment and found you there, screwing her roommate, and you forgot to ask her to join the two of you for a three-way. You know you've got to make it up to her. You search for a sweet, romantic gesture. Do you give her a single red rose? Probably, but that's wrong! Dead wrong! What's better than a single rose? How 'bout a single rose petal! Yeah, you're feelin' me! It's smaller and therefore cuter (or at least that's what I tell myself). And don't forget to give the petal to your lady with a casual, lazy-eyed half-smirk. Chicks love that.


Kon-El said...

love advise from a guy that betrayed all his friends in a Civil War, and and another that gets molested by a biker gang nice.

Gloria said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gloria said...

...But the real secret is the moustache! Tony knows well the alluring powers of upper-lip bristles: which was the secret of Clark Gable's success? certainly not hie ears

Nepharia said...

"Or at least, that's what I've been able to glean from the blackmail photos."

When are you posting the blackmail photos? ;D

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Uh Lance, you don't think that you're in the closet there a little bit, do you? You know what I mean, that closet, the metaphorical closet.

Anonymous said...

I think the 'Mauler' advertised for next issue is the new name for Tony's girlfriend, given to her by the media after she claws his eyes out.