Friday, November 24, 2006

Joyeaux Nipple

blockadesantahead As you know, I've been wearing the same old-timey Western outfit for several weeks and it finally occurred to me that I was being a bit ridiculous. So now I've decided to wear this Santa costume twenty-four hours a day!


Ho, ho, homoerotic! Who could have guessed that "Santa's beard" would turn out to be Mrs. Claus? Oh, I sleigh me! ...Sorry. I'll stop now.

I started with the silhouette -- I knew I wanted a reindeer head embossed in leather over my unjelly-like belly and I knew I wanted the top half of my torso to be exposed and to be framed by the white fur trim on the jacket. At first this design involved a big wrestling belt. But I've worn one of those before, so I modified it into a leather corset/unitard deal. I paired it up with tall pirate boots to help focus the eye on the reindeer symbol. The boots have a stylized Christmas tree with branches that mimic the reindeer's horns. I toyed with several different lengths on the jacket, but I settled on mid-length because, again, it wouldn't distract too much from the reindeer head. (I thought about matador-length, but dismissed it as too cutesy.) Instead of my usual goggles, I went with a domino mask. It doesn't obscure my gorgeous green eyes and it doesn't get in the way of the Santa hat. The gloves are flared in a 17th century Russian style.

And to finish the look, I "fell off the wagon" and changed my hair color. All my hair is bleached out to pure white now. You heard me. All of it. I had to get Jeremy to help me with some of the hard-to-reach areas. The poor lad passed out at one point -- presumably overcome by my raw sexuality, although I wouldn't rule out the bleach fumes or my gassiness from all that turkey I'd consumed... I sounded like a Phillip Glass score, played on a tuba.

Oh, and FYI I won't be posting again until Tuesday. Jeremy is visiting his folks in Arkansas this weekend and like usual I'm banned from using his computer while he's away. That's okay. I think I'll hop in my time bubble and go mess with Clement Moore's head.

Have a great weekend, everybody!


Gloria said...

Oooh! I loved the Western outfit... no-one dares to wear waistcoats nowadays.

Good thing, tho' you retained the moustache... ;D 'tis actually a darn cool turn on Santa, even though I am not a subscriber of the North Pole dweller (for cultural reasons, I address my letters to the Three Wise Kings)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

You kind of look like a gay Hulk Hogan there a bit. Yuletide-ied up, of course. Maybe we could grease up and go a few rounds of Turkish oil wrestling.

Anonymous said...

I love the thigh boots. Those would be the perfect thing to wear for a night on the town in New Genesis.

Incidently, I actually did laugh out loud at the "beard" joke. The glance I got from my coworker caused me to scroll down quickly rather than explain why I was looking at Santa's nipples.

Nepharia said...

Well, there's nothing wrong with giving Santa an update. Too bad we can't get HIM into this outfit.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Gloria: Oh, I ain't losin' the mustache any time soon!

Jon: You'll have to get in line behind Rowdy Roddy Piper and the Iron Sheik.

Seamus: That's me... not work safe!

Darth Nepharia: Amen, sister!

naladahc said...

Um.... I recently saw a video in which one of the, how does one say, "sexually active protagonists" wore something similar.

I am now very scared.

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna say something that I never thought I'd say to a man - please cover your nipples. Maybe tassles? Or mistletoe. Tinsel?