Monday, January 01, 2007

Clash of the Mediocre Titans

headshotjeremy Yesterday I watched the Chiefs-Jaguars game --- or as I like to think of it, Kansas City vs. Trent Green. I wasn't sure what to expect, since they both came into it with middling win-loss records. Some notable moments:

  • The show's opening montage fades in to the accompaniment of a familiar-sounding backbeat, and for a mind-blowing moment I think they're playing George Michael's "Freedom." No such luck.
  • 1st quarter: QB Trent "Iron Skull" Green rockets a pass straight to WR Samie "Ray" Parker "Junior" who basically juggles the damn thing while running before he finally drops it. Dumbass. (Not that I could have done any better, but it's fun to judge people.)
  • This is followed almost immediately by a Jaguars interception. Good one, Green.
  • An announcer notes that the Jaguars' Maurice Jones-Drew is "so good... people are fightin' over which nickname to give 'em." My choice: "the Marquis Lilliput Von Flyspeck."
  • And then, the greatest moment of my life: KC's Bernard Pollard blocks a Jaguars punt -- and when the ball lands near the goal line, he flings himself on it and makes a touchdown! (Admittedly, I lead a very boring life.)
  • In the stands: some idiot in a red foam tricornered hat (I refuse to call it a "cheesehead" hat when it's not yellow) emblazoned with the name of his favorite comic book: X-Factor. Behind him: some lady in a "Skull Kill Krew" sombrero.
  • 2nd quarter: Trent Green briefly sticks his fingers in his ears and wiggles them around, because he prefers his brains to have a frothy, mousse-like consistency. Or maybe he's signalling for "no huddle." I dunno.
  • The announcers theorize that Jones-Drew's sheer shrimpiness makes him very hard to tackle. He gets pounded by like, half-a-dozen guys right after that.
  • A late hit by Jaguars DE Paul Spicer nails Trent Green, knocking him on his ass. Green digs a loose shred of dura mater out of his ear canal and rallies.
  • On a fourth down, within one yard of the goal line, KC coach Herm Edwards opts to try for a touchdown. (Kinglike, I nod approval from the remove of my cranberry red loveseat.) And it pays off! Additional credit goes to the great Larry Johnson, who has to accomplish it by launching himself over a pile of Jaguars, Batroc-style.
  • Although when Johnson takes off his helmet, I'm alarmed by the sight of his hair. He has either a very audacious barber, or a frighteningly literate ringworm.
  • In the third-to-last play before the end of the first half, Jacksonville QB David Garrard spends what feels like five minutes dancing around before finally making an incomplete pass. And by that time I'm screaming at the TV, "Just let go of the fucking ball already, you idiot!"
  • A KC penalty with 0:00 left on the clock gets Jacksonville an extra, untimed play, and they use it to almost score a touchdown. Almost.
  • At the start of the second half, the announcers lay out some statistics to explain that the Chiefs actually kind of suck compared to the Jaguars and that the early turnover is the only thing that skewed the game in their favor. I feel a thin trickle of pee run down my leg.
  • On the first play of the second half, KC's Dante Hall gets crunched between a Jaguars player and KC player and he exits the field holding on to his right shoulder. Swell. *grumbles*
  • Jacksonville has to start its drive from its own twenty-yard line, and right away KC's Ty Law picks off a pass to put KC at the one-yard line. As a mere formality, mind you, Larry Johnson makes the touchdown. Freakin' awesome. With the extra point, the score is 28-10, Chiefs.
  • Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio pulls David "Not right now, I'm having a Montclair moment" Garrard off the field and replaces him with rookie Quinn Gray. Gray runs the ball in himself for a touchdown. Um... good choice. (Dammit.)
  • A KC pass to Dante Hall falls way too short which one of the announcers blames on the wind (what, like a downdraft? The hell--?!) so Hall can't get to it quickly enough. Players from both teams scramble for it. One of the Chiefs finally lands atop the bouncing pigskin, and then two Jaguars pile themselves on top of him. Long after the play is clearly over, the Jaguars just stay flopped on top of the KC player, and I can see their fat, evil arms trying to dig the ball out from under the KC guy. Somebody needs to get a spatula and pry those jackasses off of him.
  • A tackle bends Trent Green's leg under his body in an unnatural manner, but he manages to walk off the field... and let Damon Huard take his place for a bit! Holy Crap! An announcer notes somewhat ungrammatically, "Many in Kansas City feeling Damon Huard should have retained the starting position." Yeah, there's at least one guy in Wichita who agrees with them, pal. Now, I don't consider myself to be a kneejerk, fair-weather type of guy. I have no problem with Green. I'm just going by the opinions of some former football players I've seen on TV who think that Green needed to spend more time recuperating before trying to play again. (Doctors, shmoctors!) I admire the NFL creed of playing with horrendous, bloody, life-threatening injuries but a concussion is pretty much brain damage and I think that merits a "better safe than sorry" attitude. Of course, when your brain has ricocheted around your skull like a racquetball, life-and-death decisions aren't going to be your strong suit.
  • Within minutes of entering the game, Huard throws to Kennison for a fifty-eight-yard reception. Then Johnson runs it in for the touchdown. With the extra point, KC stays in the lead, 35-17. Hey, Green? You just sit there for a while. (If I sound like I think Huard is better than Green? I really don't. It's just for comedic purposes. Honest!)
  • "Anthony" Quinn Gray runs the ball in himself, again, for another Jaguars touchdown! He even holds the ball out from his body the last few yards. Just to taunt me. Oh, it's on now, Gray. Prepare yourself for a barrage of anonymous hatemail like you've never seen.
  • Trent Green is back in the game! Huzzah. *weakly waves a little Chiefs flag* ...Aaaaannnd Jaguars OLB Daryl Smith intercepts a Green pass. And there wasn't a Chiefs player even near Smith. On the sidelines, Huard locates his Trent Green voodoo doll and twists the legs around some more.
  • Fourth quarter: the Jaguars start a play at least two seconds after the play clock has run out but that Quinn Gray is such a charming, adorable cutiepie, I guess, that the officials let it slide. No penalty! Oh, isn't he just the dickens?
  • The second time Gray pulls that crap, the officials manage to catch it. Yeah, you ain't that cute, Gray. Also, I know what I'm getting you for your birthday: a watch.
  • On a forty-three-yard punt by Jacksonville, Dante Hall advances the ball a mere three yards after getting bulldozed backwards by the Jaguars. Flat on his back, he comically wiggles his head to-and-fro and then he launches the ball straight upward, killing a meadowlark.
  • With less than eleven minutes left to go in the game, one of the announcers breaks the news that Jacksonville has been knocked out of the playoffs. So if they win this game, it will purely be out of spite. I wouldn't put it past 'em. Bastards. *mentally drafts first installment of anonymous hatemail to Quinn Gray*
  • More good news: Larry Johnson has just set the alltime season rushing yardage record.
  • Trent Green, meanwhile, can't figure out who he wants to throw the ball to, panics, starts to run backwards, and then fumbles the ball, whereupon it's pounded into the ground by three Jaguars players. Goddammit, Green, you go to your corner and you stay there.
  • Quinn "Cummings" Gray throws three incompletes and then an interception, finally, but it's nullified, and all because KC's Jared Allen (who resembles a slightly less hairy version of one of the animatronic figures from Disneyland's Country Bear Jamboree) does this kind of flying, rolling tackle where at one point Allen's entire body is on top of Gray. And then Allen dry-humps him a few times. Well, too freakin' bad, Gray! Suck it up and be a man! *doodles caricature of Gray in diapers and a baby bonnet on a napkin*
  • Jacksonville touchdown makes the score 35-30, KC, with five minutes left. My stomach starts to cramp up. But when its time to make the extra point, Gray drops the snap. Haw! Oh, the healing power of derisive laughter.
  • Green runs the ball for a first down after a flag lands on the field. I'm sure he didn't see it but it still came off as a pissy, selfish maneuver to me. Because I've dedicated myself to being massively unfair to Trent Green. Anyway, the penalty is declined and it stands as a first down.
  • The boring, nondescript announcers talk about Larry Johnson tying a rushing attempts record (and I'm sorry, but big fucking deal) while the camera shows a very special guest in attendance: Wildcats bad boy, Grifter! Blonde hair, red bandana... I'm pretty sure it's him. Although the breasts throw a wrench into my theory. Huh. Maybe it's She-Grifter.
  • Larry Johnson breaks the rushing attempts record! And yet I feel nothing.
  • 2:08 left in the game, and a fight breaks out. Jeebus. One of the generic announcers mush-mouths, "Some timbers are flaring." Timbers?! Well, hell, screw the officials, then. Get Smoky the Bear on the case.
  • 1:16 left in the game. KC has the ball. As KC's line shifts from one formation to another, Jaguars DE Bobby McCray rushes forward. Flag on the play. The officials rule KC's maneuverings as legal, it counts as a first down, and that's the game. KC's still in it, and they're playing the Colts on Saturday. Sweet!
I know I haven't blogged about football much lately. I wish I could, but my problem is, it takes so long. I have to record the game and then pause it every minute or so while I type something. And I try to keep from finding out the score until I get a chance to watch it. That makes timeliness a problem. And if it's a night game, forget it! I'm not staying up all night blogging about a game when I have to be at work in the morning. But I figure I can just blog about an afternoon game I'm not necessarily invested in if one of "my teams" is playing at night. That way I can still have up-to-the-minute knowledge about the Chiefs and Steelers and blog about the other game when I actually have time. Not that there are that many games left in the season, huh? Oh, and I'm thinking about subscribing to the NFL Network. Since they air classic games throughout the year, I figure it could be a good way to catch up on some football lore. (Plus more football blogging!) I saw a NFL Network game on one of the INHD channels this last Saturday. It was the one where Tiki Barber managed to drag the Giants to victory after they started screwing up in the second half (like they always do). Bryant Gumbel was one of the announcers, and while I've heard he's kind of a snippy tightass I really liked him as a football announcer. He was kinda witty and seemed to be pretty good-humored. Do any of you have the NFL Network? And if so, do you think it's worth it?


Chance said...

Dude, the guys like 5'7" and 200 pounds. He's hardly tiny.

Football blogging... Footblogging? Footbalogging? Foobalging?

Jeremy Rizza said...

I meant relatively. Compared to all the towering, Paul-Bunyan-like humanoids on the field, he's Polly freakin' Pocket. Anyway, don't blame me. Blame the announcers! They were talking about how he could get up from being knocked down more quickly than the other players, because his arms are closer to the ground. (Yikes.)

And for what it's worth, I'm 5'8" and about 200 pounds (of flab) but personally I feel kind of like a shrimp. Granted, a lot of that has to do with my self-esteem.

Anyway, you had a valid point. Until you started babbling in Norwegian at the end, there. What was that all about?