Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Because Nobody Wants the Thing to Reproduce

bbwhitestachehead In a "Fantastic Four" story reprinted in "Marvel's Greatest Comics" #43 (July 1973) Reed Richards fits Ben Grimm with a most peculiar contraption.


Why, it's only the world's bestest birth-control device for men, you confounding corncob beast, you! Mister Fantastic's amazing ExtraTesticular* Device or ETD, gently but firmly locks into place around the testes. These troublesome organs are therefore contained, while the penis slips freely into the ETD's sleek chrome access port. At the first sign of arousal, the ETD's stainless adamantium blades spin into action, shredding the testicles into a harmless gobbets and sweeping them (and any excess liquid) into the easy-to-clean disposal chambers. Your wound is cauterized with a burst of Blastarr-hot electricity, quickly and somewhat cleanly** -- and then your member is at liberty to go about its dirty business, with no possible chance of conception. It's been tested on the Mole Man, so you know it's good! What are you waiting for? Give it a go! Try it on somebody really scary, like Thundra or Ann Coulter.

*The ETD neither removes nor produces extra testicles.
**You can expect the device to belch a wild arc of tomato-red energy, bordered by little black bubbles, and a sound like "KERRRAAAACK!!!"


Not wasting any time, are ya, Thing? You even kicked the first letter of that sound effect out of the way so it now reads "HUMP!" (Sexy!) Wait, where are you headed? No, not her! That's Nicolette Sheridan! STOP! All that silicone will clog the machine and make it--



Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Rock shaped for her pleasure.

Anonymous said...

"Why it's quite simple really, Ben--it's based on the same principle as the common child's rock tumbler..."

Big Joe Fixit said...

An' Now I know why his voice was so high last time we fought.

Professor Xavier said...

Did you ever read Earth X? Somehow the Thing had twins with poor old blind Alicia Masters. Buzz and Chuck. Little rock babies. I'm guessing they were test tube babies. At least I hope so for her sake.

Anonymous said...

Actually the Grimm Twins were clay golems that Alicia made out of her father's clay. A good thing too, because even if they were test tube babies, I don't think Alicia would want to push two baby-size boulders out.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: Haw! Although I don't see the Thing using a condom so much as a tarp.

Chawunky: Thank God he didn't base it on a jackhammer, huh?

Big Joe: Yes, and it's also why his blue trunks looked a bit saggy in the crotchal region.

Professor Xavier: Did I ever read Earth X? Sadly, yes. (It was the start of my dissatisfaction with Alex Ross. Oh, well!) And those Thing-tots creeped me out! I don't think the Thing's body was ever meant to be munchkin-shaped.

David Lawson: Y'know, I find a glass of Citrucel helps when I need to push two baby-size boulders out.