Thursday, October 18, 2007

Deliver Us From Evel

Forget ducking into a telephone booth, or sliding down a firepole behind a grandfather clock, or spinning around real fast to change into a super-costume. The Spider's method is so awesomely kick-ass and groovy and rad and crunk and the bee's knees and such, it ought to have its own category on ESPN's "X Games"! (Er, do you folks from 2007 still have those? You do?)

*exhales a mighty sigh which knocks over a passing gymnast and which smells pleasantly of steak, pipe tobacco, and rum*

How's about taserball? Or dino-hound racing? No? Well, those sports will be pretty great, too.

Aaaannnyway, let's go to the videotape panel-by-panel breakdown.


(One of about a gazillion flying crotch shots in this comic, by the way. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.) Here comes the Spider in the souped-up delivery truck he'd used to bust out of prison. I know, I know. It ought to have flames painted on the side, or sumpin'. Calm down. It gets better.


I think I saw this movie in driver's ed class. It was a cautionary tale about always wearing your seatbelt when you operate a hover-car. Except, the Spider didn't encounter any glass on the way out of his vehicle.

Also, that prison uniform could use a good pressing. And it should be taken out around the waist, because it's highlighting the Spider's expansive, pillowy ass to a frightening degree. What, is he wearing a bustle? Why does he have the same body shape as my aunt? (After her double mastectomy, natch.)

And Fly-Man (or "Fly Man" as his cover logo calls him) can barely be bothered to care about what he's witnessing. You're not in New York, Fly-Man, so cut the jaded "I've seen it all" act. You know in your heart this is awesome. Own it.


Dudes, he's zooming into Entrance "Y"! Now, that's an expression he must've picked up in jail! When you're as short and as dumpy as the Spider, the only way to survive prison is to showboat your out-sized caboose, and to allow your burly bunkmate free access to Entrance "Y".

But if I may get "real" here for a moment... may I? Thank you.

*takes Meerschaum pipe from mouth, leans forward in chair, puts a hairy hand on your knee, speaks in a hushed, intimate tone*

The Spider just shot himself out of a truck and into a hole in the side of a friggin' mountain. I think we both know that rawks.


The net doesn't look that great -- shouldn't it be more web-like? -- but I'll give the Spider a pass, because the rest of his routine was so hardcore.

(And if this was a horror film, the web would be composed of inexplicably sharp steel cables that can cut through bone, and he'd be diced into dozens of serving portions. I'll take the ass!)


Anonymous said...

Well, Fly-Man might not be so impressed, but the Spider certainly seems more than a bit surprised by that net. He even sounds a bit annoyed, like if Entrance Y was supposed to let him fall into a vat of chocolate pudding or something.

And oh, what a good idea. Let's do put on that stunning uniform.

Bob Besco said...

Ya know, I remember reading (The)Fly(Man) way back when. I vividly recall the chilling origin tale wherein Troy was blown by the radioactive fly. But I have absolutely no memory of the book being this flippin' insane. Thanks ever so for the cold slap of reality.

There...was a Fly-Girl, yes?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Anonymous: I think the Spider's problem is that he's been so evil for so long, his face just froze like that! So now he looks pissed-off, 24 hours a day. He shoulda listened to Mama Spider!

Byrneward: Yes, there was a Fly Girl! And while the Simon/Kirby stuff was nutty, nothing before or since Siegel's run matched it for sheer kookiness.