Tuesday, November 06, 2007

D-List Monsters of Super-Hero Land: The Origami Monster, Part Three

At the end of my last post, Batman had set the paleo-conservative origami monster ablaze, like so many copies of "The National Review." The monster merely reformed itself out of more 8.5" x 11" sheets of plain white paper (which were conveniently stacked nearby), and ran away, shaking its little paper fist. Meanwhile, Dr. Clayton Forrester Watley continues to preach from his bully(ing) pulpit:

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The montage has spoken! That night, the sexy young brunette broods in a chair by a ginormous window. "Liberals are a cowardly and superstitious lot," she thinks. "How can I strike fear in their hearts?" Just then, a slutty black cocktail dress and a bottle of hair color in "Piss Blond" #17 crash through the glass, slicing her face to ribbons and necessitating some cut-rate plastic surgery. "That's it!" she declares. "I shall become a total bitch."

Also, Jack "the Creeper" Ryder decides it's time to confront Watley.

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Wow, a statue of a gazelle (or what the hell ever) taking a dump? That is elegant! But where the heck is that smoke emanating from? Does he have a hotplate back there? 'Cause I'm telling the landlady.

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Is he checking out her (admittedly ample) ass, or does he just covet that skirt? With Ryder, it's a real toss-up.

Later, at the Batcave -- which the Creeper visits so often during this story that he might as well just move in -- the jaundiced juggernaut of justice does his best impression of that clingy dude who has no other friends and tries to fill the awkward pauses in your conversation with awful jokes.

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Creeper, you're pissing off The Dadgum Batman, here! Do you want him to punch you in the face? Because he totally will.

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Oops, my mistake. I was thinking of the post-Crisis Batman. This one just politely asks you to stop. And if that doesn't work, he'll send you a strongly-worded letter. And if that doesn't work, he'll use his "Bruce Wayne" identity to secretly drive you to financial ruin. Also, you can stop checking your mailbox for any invitations to the Justice League, 'cause they ain't comin'.

Action sequence! Batman and the Creeper follow a bilingual and sloppily punctuated distress call ("Ayude! Help me! Ayude, por favor!") and discover the origami monster attacking either a mother and her little kid, or a hooker and a midget.

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Batman shouts at the lady to vamoose. ("Vaya la policia, seƱora! Ahora!") The Creeper, forgetting what "Bats" had asked him to do three pages earlier, goes on the offensive.

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Yeah, I don't think that insult really deserved the "SNAP!" sound effect. (Was that sound produced by the fire escape breaking off, or a really appreciative off-panel beatnik? "Crazy, daddio!" *snap, snap* Or maybe it's a road company of "West Side Story.")

The Creeper nails the origami monster in the noggin, and tears its head off, because it's only super-strong when the plot calls for it it's concentrating, like a paper doll version of Ultra Boy -- er, not that I own any of those.

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Again, we see how the pre-Crisis, Dang Ol' Batman was prone to gaping like an EC protagonist at anything even slightly out of the ordinary. Once, a Denny's waitress forgot to charge him for his orange juice. He went into a fugue state and burned the place to the ground.

And now, A Shocking Twist! (If you're not Scipio or Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, anyway.)

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Wait for it...

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Aw, hells no! Get the fuck out of here!

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How's about you practice cramming it, huh, nerd?

Tomorrow: the stunning conclusion!

8 comments:

Justin Garrett Blum said...

"Oh...my...god..."

That's priceless. I don't know, I just don't see _any_ incarnation of Batman uttering that phrase, but I suppose if you're going to be so melodramatic, an oragami monster is as good an excuse as any.

Chance said...

The penultimate line of this post is the most beautiful thing you've ever written (and that's saying a lot).

Also: Why does Batman keep trying to kill the paper creature? I mean, it's sentient. It talks. It seems pretty species-centric to have this rigid code against killing and let the Joker go on to live for another five decades but be willing to burn to death a confused but intelligent monster that just happens to be 2-D.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Time to put Wetley in the recycling bin.

Ha ha ha.

And scene...

Phillip said...

chance- You are so totally correct.


"How's about you practice cramming it, huh, nerd?"

Say it loud and there's music playing. Say it soft and it's almost like praying.

Blockade Boy said...

Justin: It coulda been worse. It coulda been "Omigod!"

Chance and Phillip: Thanks! It seems like the lines that folks think are my funniest are always the ones I just "toss off" without thinking too hard about them. I must be "in the zone" just then.

Jon: I say, pulp the bastard!

Anonymous said...

Oh...my...god...It called Batman "Fool." You know what that means: Demetrius and (the) Slasher must be behind the plot and Gerry Conway can't be too far behind!

I hope not, but we should check the dumpsters just in case.

We should also bring back the Creeper to hound and piss off the current Batman. Calling him BM enough might get him to take one and get back to normal.

Josh said...

"That's it!" she declares. "I shall become a total bitch."

Heh-heh. Any she-Cthulhu bashing is fine by me!

Blockade Boy said...

Anonymous: (The) Slasher and Demitrius? Could be! It would explain Vera's obsession with huge black polka dots, anyway. (She's in cahoots!)

Josh: Happy to oblige.