Thursday, November 29, 2007

Duo Dumbass


The pudgy, baby-headed loser up there is the Split-Man: a recurring hero in the DC stable.

No, seriously.

Explorer/helicopter pilot Cliff Battles first used an ancient artifact called "Zantac's Golden Belt" to twin himself, way back in "Strange Adventures" #166. I don't know if I would have worn it. With my body type, it would make me resemble a humongous "D" battery. Besides, I've already "twinned" myself, by creating this preposterous Mike Murdock-styled identity of mine.

In "Strange Adventures" #203, the Split-Man fights "El Grando", an offensively-drawn "bandido" who sports a "legendary headband" that grants him fantastic powers. It's the Battle of the Accessories! (Note to editor: have a nice, long talk with your artist about what a "headband" looks like.) I'll delve further into the story next week, interspersed with more commentary on that Detective Comics tale.

Now, as holiday time draws near, might I suggest the perfect gift for the li'l future mafia thug (or terrorist) on your shopping list:


I haven't visited your era for a while, so refresh my memory: do M-16 rifles make fart noises?


That's a fantastic selling point! For the kids. For the parents? Not so much.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

That's kind of funny. Mattel also manufactures the plastic for real M-16's. AT least that's what the rumor was when I was in the Army. The truth is probably on the internets somewheres.

Chance said...

Did Nova just eat a habanero?

MaGnUs said...

Noise making toys are the devil. I plot my revenge on all those who've given such gifts to my son, by planning to give their kids (when they have them) equally noisy gifts.

Anonymous said...

Wait, does that magic belt also help with acid reflux?

And that's gotta be one of the vaguest logos I've ever seen on any superhero accessory ever.

Unknown said...

I believe that being able to "cut loose" for more than a minute means you've got to see the proctologist.

Unknown said...

But hang on! Isn't the weapon of choice for all terrorists is the Kalashnikov and a Toyota hilux?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: Ah, the industrial-military-toy complex is at it again!

Chance: HAW! No, he just has a massive headache.

MaGnUs: My old roommate, Jeremy, once gave his sister-in-law's kids something called "band in a box." It was a bunch of instruments, like tambourines, bongos, and maracas. I don't think she's speaking to him anymore.

Chawunky: I think it's supposed to be a jaguar (for no good reason).

Synth-Lin: That toy M-16 has clogged many a toilet.

Anonymous said...

Just when you think Roy Thomas, Grant Morrison, and Geoff Johns between them have scraped the bottom of the barrel and "revitalized" the very last obscure DC Silver Ager, someone scrounges up someone like Split-Man. He must be ticked that he didn't even get chosen for the Forgotten Heroes--the cutoff issue must've been #200.

At least I now know that the jaguar is the ancient obvious symbol for duality.

Johnny Bacardi said...

The M-16 Marauder made more of a grinding noise, rather than a "farting" noise. I used to own one when I was a wee lad.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Anonymous: Heh. I bet the Split-Man tried out for the Forgotten Heroes! And they all told him, "Get lost, loser!"

Johnny B: Ah, so it sounded like my first hover-car, when I'd try to start it on a wintry Amadan morning.