Thursday, January 10, 2008
General Angst: Wait -- what do you mean, "more than tests"?
Doctor Moon: It's all very simple, my dear General Angst! The dim-witted lad you procured for this experiment rated perfectly in the initial round of examinations, so I went on ahead with the bio-augmentation.
General Angst [blustering]: You presume too much! Mine is the ultimate authority here!
Doctor Moon: Calm yourself, my dear General Angst! All is as you had planned! The tractor-tread feet, the disco strobe eyeballs, the Popamatic bubble implant, the Mr. Pibb cannon...
General Angst [furious]: Madness! I never asked for any of those things! You speak treason!
Doctor Moon: Perhaps, my dear General Angst, this will refresh your memory...
[He reaches into his lab coat and produces a small device. At the press of a button, it plays a tinny recording of General Angst, speaking in a slurred voice.]
Recording of General Angst: --annnd mayb-be some o' them cattypillar tractory treads fer the dude's feetsies, and his peepers, his peepers, we could go 'n' replace 'em with these lights, mannnn, an' they'd be all BEEP BOP BOOP BEEP BOP oh! An' on his big ol' titties, I say we mount thisss plasticky bubbley thing-a-ma-bob like I seen once, you know, it's like, it's like from a board game or some shit, and you press on it, and you go "Popamatic pops the dice!" and like "Whoo! I win!" only ours, only ours, the dicey things, they all gots like skulls an' shit on 'em, and then our dude, he says to Batman, "Popamatic says DIE, motherfucker!!!" Ha, ha, ha, oh, oh, I allmosst fergot, wait, waitaminnit, his arm, we just chop that shit off, an' then we install this gun, an' it sprays out Mello Yello allll ooover, like BOOOSH!!! NO! NO! Scratch that shit, change it to Mr. Pibb! Yeah, and then we--
[Doctor Moon presses another button, stopping the playback.]
Doctor Moon: Those were your express orders, my dear General Angst, as of 9:26 yesterday evening.
General Angst: You mean, about halfway through our "Barnaby Jones" drinking game?
Doctor Moon: Correct, my dear General Angst.
General Angst [defeated]: Quit calling me "my dear General Angst."
Doctor Moon: Whatever you say, darling.