Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Curse Yore Beautiful Hide

zagor1


Thank God for his boner, or else the belt would just fall right off.

As memorialized by the nice folks at the International Hero website, this is "Zagor", a woodsy Phantom/Tarzan type who is popular in Italy and Brazil. Born Patrick Wilding, or maybe that's his porn star name, Zagor lost his folks to vengeful Native Americans at a pretty young age. He managed to raise himself and did a pretty darned fine job of it to, by the looks of him. He acquired the name, "Za-Gor-Te-Ney", which means "the Spirit with the Tomahawk."

Zagor headquartered himself in a forest near the Great Lakes, some time between 1820 and 1840. Which doesn't explain why one of his enemies was a Druid, but what the heck.

So, how do I like Zagor's looks? I... don't. He's too pretty. When I think "backwoodsman", I think of Howard Keel in "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers": tall, mighty, and scruffy as hell, not to mention, simply brimming with all kinds of intriguing musks. This glamorpuss is too smooth by half. Howard Keel or any of his brothers -- even Russ Tamblyn! -- would take this joker apart.

And they'd sing you a rousing tune while they did it!

The costume is unremarkable, especially in how it cleaves so predictably to four-color super-hero conformity: primary colors, insanely tight fit, the chest armor/symbol with the "which way is it pointing?" bird/thing on it... it all adds up to a big "yawn" from me. Yeah, so he's baring his muscled, sinewy arms. Big deal. There's nothin' on em! No hair. No tats. No cool bracelets or other adornments. Just a lot of smooth pink skin. Go away, Zagor. You're bothering me.

Go back to working as a bouncer at a gay squaredance, or whatever the hell it is you do.

zagor

18 comments:

Gyuss Baaltar said...

Is "gay squaredance" a redundant phrase?

Gustavo said...

The second picture is sort of hot-ish. And I have no problem whatsoever with skintight jeans, specially if they are so well filled.

I was hoping to find a Blockade Interpretation at the end...promise that you would for a later post.

Bill S. said...

I think I speak for many when I ask: What about that duck???

Dr. Tectonic said...

This calls for... Extreme Blockadeover!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I agree, Bill, though I must admit that I occasionally yearn for an anthropomorphic duck staring at my cleanly shaved armpit.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

Yeah, that's a shitty costume. The best part of that first image is the tiny cabin that he was about to take a leak on before the photographer startled him. I wonder what manner of creature lives there.

Blockade Boy said...

Gyuss: "Grab yore domestic partner, do-si-do..."

Gustavo and Dr. Tectonic: Well... okay!

Bill S.: Maybe it's his spirit animal.

Jon: You just described a typical Saturday night at John Lassiter's house!

Justin: Heh. I'm partial to the model of Cinderella's castle, made entirely out of moose turds.

MaGnUs said...

He kind of looks like Ultra Boy...

Blockade Boy said...

Y'know, I've tried to get Ultra Boy to wear more sleeveless shirts, but the dumb lug just won't listen to me.

MaGnUs said...

Is he hairy?

Scipio said...

Oh, my, god, it's Blackhawk's gay son, Flamebird!

Hale of Angelthorne said...

"Zagor lost his folks to vengeful Native Americans at a pretty young age."

Yeah, who'd'a guessed we were that twitchy about the whole smallpox thing? And don't even get me started on the tipi "in a forest near the Great Lakes."

Anonymous said...

For your edification! Too scary for International Hero, Blood Chic was the Gayest Superhero Team Ever, which can only be a good thing, until you look at their costumes. Oh, this calls for an Extreme Blockadeover, if not peals of derisive Blockadelaughter...
Yep, Image does Gay. I'm sure Rob and Todd woke up in a motel room with this comic after one too many cocaine martinis at a convention and wondered "WTF did we do last night?!"
http://www.blackmermaid.com/characters.html

Blockade Boy said...

MaGnUs: Not Starboy-level, but good enough.

Scipio: Heh. (Also: Blackhawk! I knew that big, dumb symbol looked familiar.)

Hale: And then there's the anthropomorphic duck/thing, and the fact that his sidekick is a Hidalgo nobleman who is descended from Conquistadors. The whole thing sounds like a cluster.

Anonymous: I think I speak for everyone when I say, WTF?! I want to punch them all in the nads (especially "Death Gaze") -- and not in the good way. I bet Storm Boy would like them, though.

Hale of Angelthorne said...

"his sidekick is a Hidalgo nobleman who is descended from Conquistadors"

Yeah, Conquistadors are real big in Indian Country, too. For some reason, Europeans in general have this bizarre fascination with Indians (or rather, a 1940's style stereotype of Indians), especially the Germans. They hold the equivalent of Ren Fairs where folks dress up in breech clouts and feathered warbonnets. Pretty damned Creepy, frankly. Thank God Indians are treated with more respect and dignity in, say, American comics, huh?

LurkerWithout said...

Why does he have two belts? I mean if he had a belt and then some bandoliers? That could work. Also he should be all scarred up. But really I think thats true of all 'feral' youth characters. I mean you try running thru the woods and/or jungle in nothing but a loincloth and see what your skin looks like after a while...

MaGnUs said...

He has a belt to hold up his pants, and then a gunbelt. Two different things.

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