Monday, February 18, 2008

I'm Blockade Boy, and I Approved These Whiskers

Storm Boy let me try out an invention he's working on. It's called the "chronophone", and it lets you contact people in other eras/universes, via their cell phones. Storm Boy says he wants to prank-call Oscar Wilde. (I didn't have the heart to break it to him. Just like I didn't have the heart to tell him that the Legion already has a Time-Telephone, which doesn't require the person you're calling to have their own phone.) I could only remember one 21st century phone number, and it was my old roommate's, Jeremy Rizza's. You know... the guy who deluded himself into thinking he writes this blog instead of me! But what the heck. I reached him on the evening of February 17, 2008. That was just over a year since I'd left him in your crummy time period (and dimension). It turns out that he'd been struggling with technical problems and an illness, just like I have! What are the odds? Anyway, he thanked me for helping him figure out that he was gay (I get that a lot) and then he started to gush about how sexy I was, but then he caught himself and said something about not wanting to be the Dorothy L. Sayers to my Lord Peter Wimsey, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Supposedly, in the year since I'd last seen him, his life had improved a great deal (I get this a lot, too). He'd moved out of that sorry rental of his into a condo, plus he'd lost some weight and gotten contact lenses. He also had joined the Kansas Equality Coalition, which lobbies for GLBT rights in Kansas. In fact, he'd traveled with a whole passel of other folks from the KEC to the state capital, just that past Wednesday. He had seen some portraits of old whiskery legislators, one of whom looked kind of like me! But he neglected to find out who it was. (Er, okay...!) After I signed off, I did some research on Kansan legislators of Ye Olde Weste. I never did find my lookalike (the beard would have been too short for Stockade Boy) but I did find these guys:


This is Samuel Johnson Crawford, the third governor of Kansas. He's got some sweet imperial/Van Dyke action goin' on with the beard... but just look at that hair! Merciful Jeebus! From what I can gather, the late nineteenth century was a haven for the "skullet", i.e. "party out back, going-out-of-business up front." It distracts from the whiskers. For shame, my good sir! Have you no sense of decency? Also, I'm pretty sure you're actually Robert Duvall.


Here's Charles Lawrence Robinson, Kansas' first governor, sporting an alarming combover/flip-do, as though some mad hair-burner tried to arrange Donald Trump's paltry locks into a semblance of Mary Tyler Moore's. And yet the beard is to die for. Observe the magnificent sweep of that mustache! My heart is pounding like crazy! Of course, I did just eat an entire cured ham. So it might be the sodium. Historical trivia: Robinson was also the first zombie to be elected governor. But he wasn't the last! (I apologize if my political humor is too pungent for you.)


Preston B. Plumb: not only the civilian identity of a Gerry Conway villain (I presume), but also a United States senator from Kansas! Plumb is the first guy on my list to combine a cool beard with a sensible -- albeit nerdy -- hairstyle. Bravo, Plumb! Plumb's hobbies included snowboarding; attending Linkin Park concerts; and wearing droopy, baggy pants with marijuana leaves embroidered on the sides.


The eighth governor of Kansas was John Pierce St. John. He's famous for inventing the faux-hawk, but I think his mustache is pretty darned nifty as well. One quibble: the way it diminishes into a few lengthy gossamer fibers. That tells me he's so desperate for length, that he's willing to forgo density. And that smacks of desperation. It's the same way with some handlebar 'stache wearers. They let the tips grow on forever, so that it looks like they have two curled-up pieces of wire stuck to their faces. (My handlebar mustache icon? Dum-Dum Dugan. Of course.) Trim that nonsense back, brothers! Give the rest of your mustache time to catch up! Otherwise, it looks like your 'stache just got rescued from Mount Hood after being separated from the rest of its hiking party for two weeks. In other words, it looks emaciated. So cut it out. Also, lose the panama hat. You look like a tool.


John White Geary was a governor of Kansas Territory, although he's probably better known as the first mayor of San Francisco. (As if this blog wasn't gay enough already.) What a glorious tailback beard! A mustache would have been a nice addition, but it's just dandy without one. As you can see from the curling forelock, Geary was born one-quarter Kewpie Doll. But he never let prejudice against his ancestry stand in his way. He lived long enough to see the birth of his legendary grandson, the Shoney's Big Boy.


Nehemiah Green (no extra "e") was the fourth governor of Kansas, and all I can say is, "Who is that handsome devil? WOOF!" Perfect hair all around, facial and otherwise. Good show! Green had some serious crosses to bear, since he was a mutant with the power to spray sarsparilla from his eyes, and was blackmailed into joining the Hellfire Club. He was disembowelled by Wolverine.


This modern-looking gent is Thomas Andrew Osborne (yes, with an "e") and he was the sixth governor of Kansas. The beard is simple, but it's full, which I appreciate. I love it when mustaches are allowed to grow past the upper lip. They look so much more rugged that way. And he seems like a very friendly fellow. I can picture him in baseball cap; and a flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off; behind the wheel of a semi; his massive biceps tanned by the unforgiving Kansas sun; a pipe in his mouth; his firm, round gut spilling over his chunky belt buckle as I laze in the passenger seat, and his warm, coarse hand reaches over and undoes my... er, anyway, I think it's a nice-enough beard. Let's move on, huh?


*sighs contentedly* Aw, hells yeah. Here's William Alfred Peffer, United States senator from Kansas. The beard is glorious. I give Peffer extra points for wearing it in the waning years of the nineteenth century, when Dame Fashion's gay brother had turned up his nose at such ravishingly extravagant feats of whiskerdom. (Although to be honest, he didn't have anything else going for him, looks-wise, did he? Can you imagine how the rest of that mug must look? *shudder*)


Gus Casals said...

John White Geary was hot indeed. Look at those features...even shaved he must have been sizzling. No wonder he ended up in SF.
I bet that beard is hiding a Kal-El/Mon-el square chin to die for...

Bill S. said...

I like Mr. Osborne best, myself.

Anonymous said...

This was most excellent.

Anonymous said...

Hey, nice to have you back BB. I could tell how down in the dumps you were. Your posts were all tiny.

(OK, honestly I'm stuck at work and bored out of my mind)

Anonymous said...

Is it me or does Preston B. Plumb look like Eli Sunday had unnatural relations with a billy goat?


MaGnUs said...

Awesome facial hair on these guys. Do you approve of this one?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Gustavo: And his gaze is almost as commanding as my own! (Which is no small feat.)

Bill S.: Hey, back off... he's mine! Aw, okay, we can share. :)>

Justin: Thanks, buddy!

Silvercat: Heh. I'll try to do more mega-posts like these, maybe once a week, but I honestly am pretty busy right now. I guess facial hair makes me rapturous!

Phil: Is that a spoiler?

MaGnUs: Day-um! Who is that godlike leader of men? (Also, those are some sweet threads! Do you wear them all the time, or only on special occasions? Like trips to the grocery store?)

Nate said...

Jeremy came out? Congrats!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jeremy says "Thanks, pal!" Hey -- I thought I was his pal! Jeremy is two-timing me!

MaGnUs said...

Like the uniform? I picked it up in the late 1800s, stol... err, acquired it from an and Admiral of the Fleet for His Majesty.

I only wear them on ceremonial ocassions, it's my Grand Admiral uniform for the Honorary Dissector Scout Corps.

Glad you approve of the facial hair and the threads.

Hale of Angelthorne said...

"with a sensible -- albeit nerdy -- hairstyle"

I don't WANT pomade; I'm a Dapper Dan man!

Anonymous said...

Your Thomas Andrew Osborne-in-a-truck fantasy put me in mind of Lord Fanny's one in The Invisibles about, what was it? The National Inquirer catching Bigfoot going down on him in a motel room...
Ol' Fanny did like him some bear.

--Lord Morgue

Jeremy Rizza said...

MaGnUs: "Honorary Dissector Scout Corps"? If I was a DC Comics editor, I'd be pissing myself about now.

Hale: I'm still kicking myself for buying stock in Fop.

Lord Morgue: Realllyyy...? Note to self: drunk-time-telephone Lord Fanny.