Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Legion of Substitute Blockade Boys (from the case files of Gadfly Lad)


Howdy, pals! It's your friend from the future (and also a parallel universe): Gadfly Lad!

I'm 87.028% certain that you're all begging me to know: have I located Blockade Boy yet?

The short answer: no.

The long answer: yes, in a way. Blockade Boy is at least three times more popular as a fugitive than he was as a private detective, a space-pirate, or a fashion designer. He's certainly good at it; I'll give him that. But now, tough guys across the galaxy are imitating his look, right down to the tattoos! So every time I think I've spotted Blockade Boy, it turns out to be some dude I don't even know.

67.4% of them are annoyed and say "Get your tiny hands off me, kid" (or something equivalent).

14.8% of them think I'm trying to sell them something or that I'm going to mug them, and they toot on a little whistle and then the pigs show up, and I gotta lam it. (Freakin' space-cops...!)

9.2% of them are pleasantly surprised by my attentions, and ask me to do something sexy to them. (No, thank you.)

5.9% of them threaten to kick my ass just for looking at them, which seems like an overreaction. One of them said he was going to "fold my [anus] into a tesseract", which I don't think is even possible.

2.7% of them just grin at me, real friendly-like, and without saying a word, they dart into a crowd or around a corner, and just disappear. Some of these guys may actually have been Blockade Boy, for all I know. (It was late, and it was dark, and I was tired).

So nowadays, if I see one of these jokers and he's not lurking atop a space-gargoyle or dangling from a U.P. hover-chopper, I just assume he's not the real deal.

What else is going on? Well, I see from the holo-news that Eyeful Ethel is back from jail already, but she has to wear an ankle monitor and a brain monitor, which looks a lot like one of your pillbox hats, with the lacy little veil on it and everything. She held a big press conference at the agency. I saw Frigid Queen and Phantom Lad there in the background, playing footsie with each other (and then they started kicking each other in the shins, hard). Rainbow Girl was there, too, split into her four energy-selves, presumably to create the illusion that Ethel employed more people. Storm Boy looked completely humiliated as Ethel tried to spin his tenure as manager as "a practical joke gone horribly wrong."

I didn't see Nightmare Boy anywhere. I'm sure he'd be out of the space-pokey by now. He's probably just embarrassed now that everybody knows he has a mini-dingus. (Welcome to my world, Nightmare Boy! And don't let 'em get you down. You fly your freak-flag!)

Of course, Tusker is still missing. Although... I've heard some underground rumors of a mysterious "one-tusked man" who alternately shambles/rampages through Lallor's underground vacu-tubeway and who swipes folks' bags of Soylent Doodles when they're not looking. I take this to mean that Tusker has hocked his gold tusk, for the space-cheddah. Yipes. Well, after I locate Blockade Boy, maybe we can track him down. I'm sure we'd only kick his ass a little before we brought him home.

I've also heard through the criminal grapevine that the Blockade Boy Revenge Squad is pissed about this upswing in Blockade Boy's popularity, and that they're planning to "mobilize." Yeah, good luck with that.


LurkerWithout said...

Have you thought of taking out a giant space billboard asking Blockade Boy to come home? I bet theres a wacky plan you could do involving getting on one of those futuristic game shows where they make you chase pigs while wasps attack you. I'm sorry, space pigs and space wasps. And then you could take your big cash prizes from that to the Space Casino and win big. That would certainly pay for some billboard action...

And after that I'm sure BB would HAVE to come back and TOTALLY hang out with you and use his celebrity to get you girls who like short dudes...

Brian said...

"Soylent Doodles".

Laughed out loud at that one.

Bill S. said...

Poor Storm Boy.

So are we eventually going to get to see the Blockade Boy Revenge Squad? I picture matching uniforms!

Nate said...

All these numbers make my head hurt. I'm a simple man. Your 31st (32nd?) Century quad-dimensional calcustistics are beyond me.

Jeremy Rizza said...

The kid guessed right, you know. He did manage to accost me on the streets. A couple of times! It's just that I'm having too much fun right now to let him "bring me in". I'll stop bein' a vigilante when I'm damn good an' ready. Also, I want to singlehandedly smash the Revenge Squad. At some point.

Lurker: Although your plan would sure be a tempting incentive. Unleash the space wasps!

Brian: They're tasty; just don't read the ingredients label.

Bill S.: I'm picturing matching uniforms for the Revenge Squad, too. Prison uniforms.

Gyuss: Me, too! I think Gadfly Lad is a 9th-level Egghead or sumpin' like that. In other words, he's "special."

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Mmmm, those are good Soylent Doodles.

They're what? Aaahhhh! You did it, you really did it! You brewed it up! Damn you all, damn you all to hell!!!!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh and it's really nice of that one guard to get Barney Fife to run away.

Jeremy Rizza said...

I remember when they tried to sell Soylent Doodles as a medical supplement for aging women. "Human protein? Something my body needs, anyway!"