Friday, March 28, 2008

Gadfly Lad's War Journal (by everyone's favorite pocket-sized bad-ass, Gadfly Lad)

CrimesByWomen015



Wow! That gal is... helpful.

I guess she picked up those guns at the Bulk Weaponry Outlet on Rimbor. They sell space-torpedoes there in twelve-packs! Just don't expect them all to detonate when you want them to. Also, I've heard the paint they use causes eyeball cancer. (Although why anybody would rub a space-torpedo on their eyeballs is beyond me.)

Still no sign of (the real) Blockade Boy. HOWEVER. As "'Tater' Bugzz", I'm developing quite the rep in Lallor's criminal underground! I've had fourteen separate space-hoods approach me about planning bank heists for them! On account of my being so knowledgeable. But I've had to turn them down (and then smack their asses up) because TATER DON'T PLAY THAT.

Y'know, as I strut down Lallor's back alleys, I feel like I need a theme song playing in the background. Maybe something classical, like Curtis Mayfield's "Superfly". Like that song's title character, I am both (admittedly) "hard to understand" and "a hell of a man." But I need some new lyrics. And I can't think of any decent rhymes for "'Tater' Bugzz", except "Afghan rugs" and "hugs, not drugs."

...On second thought, those rhymes suck, too. Consarn it.

[LATER...]

Sweet news, you guys! I was at a tavern, drinking alone (like usual), when the holovision showed a news report about a huge graffiti mural of Blockade Boy's face that showed up on the side of some skyscraper. Well, after a week of getting nowhere in my search for Blockade Boy, I was pretty sick of seeing his face everywhere. So I hurled my dainty porcelain teacup of malt liquor at the holo-set and I hollered, "Aw, SCREW THAT GUY!" There was a general gasp from the assembled barflies, but then a sexy gal sauntered up to me and purred, "So, you hate Blockade Boy, too?" My detective radar (among other things) perked up. I gave her a story about losing the family farm to Blockade Boy in a poker game, which forced me (or "Tater", rather) into a life of crime. I added that I wanted to get back at him, somehow. (Notice how I didn't explicitly use the term "revenge." You have to play these jokers. Give 'em plenty of rope.) Anyway, she said that there were some people she wanted me to meet, and that they all hated Blockade Boy, too, AND had been keeping tabs on him! I'm going to meet up with her again tonight, at the abandoned flying saucer factory on the edge of town.

*hums "Superfly" theme*

'TATER' BUGZZ!
He's meaner than a pack of pugs!
But he'll love a gal with major jugs!
And the... er, he'll... um--!


Criminy, I suck at this...!

5 comments:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I got one for you:

Gadfly Lad, Gadfly Lad
Has the powers that a gadfly had
Can he fly in the sky?
Take a look way up high
Hey there, there goes the Gadfly Lad
In the chill of nigh'
At the scene with a bad guy
Like a buzzing fly
He flits right on by
Gadfly Lad, Gadfly Lad
Had a human mom and a gadfly dad
Welcomed friends he don't like
A bully once took his bike
To him, life is happy happy joy joy
He is looking for Blockade Boy
He is the Gadfly Lad!

LurkerWithout said...

Smack their Ass up really sounds more like an activity for Blockade Boy...



And now: Bad, Bad Tater' Bugzz

Well the south side of Lallor
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named Tater Bugzz

Now Tater more than trouble
You see he stand bout four foot four
All the downtown ladies call him hedgerowtop lover
All the mens just call him sir

And its bad, bad Tater Bugzz
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Now Tater he a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his diamond rings
In front of everybodys nose
He got a custom continental
He got an eldorado too
He got a shock gauntlet in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe

And its bad, bad Tater Buggz
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Well friday bout a week ago
Tater answerin trivia
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named doris
And ooh that girl looked nice
Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
And Tater Buggz learned a lesson
bout messin with the wife of a jealous man

And its bad, bad Tater Bugzz
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog,

Well the two men took to fightin
And when they pulled them from the floor
Tater looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone

And its bad, bad Tater Buggz
The baddest man in the whole damn town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Blockade Boy said...

*massages furry chest in a Simon Cowell-like manner*

Jon, your lyrics started out strong, but they veered off the rails towards the end. "Happy happy joy joy"?! Really? Is Gadfly Lad a cartoon character to you? He's adorably tiny, I grant you, but he's also a battle-tested, street-fightin' detective who is somewhere, out there, out where dreams come true. (And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star.)

I'm just sayin'.

Lurker, your song was much more appropriate for a clever li'l scrapper like Gadfly Lad. That said, I don't know how many people would want a theme song that ends with them getting jacked up. Still, the bittersweet tragedy of it has a certain appeal. Kind of like "Slaughter on 10th Avenue" but with lyrics, and with less dancing with corpses. Good job!

MaGnUs said...

Tater Bugzz!
He will break all of your mugs!
And to the girls, munch their ruuuugs!!!

Yes, too I suck at this.

MaGnUs said...
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