Monday, April 07, 2008

A Revenge Squad Exclusive Interview!


Howdy, y'all! It's your friendly webmaster, "Tater"! Y'all've got a hellacious treat in store tonight: an exclusive interview with the Revenge Squad's MVP: Gossip Queen! I spoke with the Maven of Muckraking earlier today, in our top-secret headquarters!


"Tater": I just don't know how the Squad would keep track of that dad-blasted varmint, Blockade Boy, if you weren't around. Bless your heart!

Gossip Queen: Bless YOUR heart, sweetie!!! Also, I just wanted 2 tell U, U did a BANG-UP JOB leading us in our daily Two Minutes Hate this morning!!!!

"Tater:": Aw, shucks.

Gossip Queen: Although... U probably DIDN'T have to keep shouting "FILTH! FILTH!" like that!!! U don't want people 2 think you're trying 2 hard!!!!!!!

"Tater": I'll take that under advisement... pardner!

Gossip Queen: Of course, it was your first time up at the hover-podium!!! We can let it slide!!!!

"Tater": That's right neighborly of ya! Now, in the git-to-know-ya post I did, you said you hated Blockade Boy because of "back hair." Would ya hanker to elaborate?

Gossip Queen: I'd be proud 2, "Tater"!!! Let me start out by saying that I am a smooth-bodied man myself, and I like 4 all the men I date 2 be smooth, also!!!!!

"Tater": Amen, brother. Ain't nary a thing wrong with a hairless torso!

Gossip Queen: And I had my pick of all the hunky guys in my high school, until Blockade Boy transferred in!!! Pretty much EVERY guy in my stable of available sex-stallions gravitated 2 that freaky ape-man!!!! And WORSE, all these beautifully smooth dudes let their GROSS body hair grow back!!!!! Some of them, the ones who'd had their hair SURGICALLY-REMOVED, wound up getting body hair TRANSPLANTS!!!!! Like, from six-armed BLITHS and other furry beasts!!!!!! It was a NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!! [breaks into sobbing fit]

"Tater": Thar, thar. How's about ya share yer special talent with our readers?

Gossip Queen: O--okay!!! You know, I can project not only my own memories from my cameramatic eyeball implant, but I can also track guys I've seen, after they leave their field of vision!!! Like Blockade Boy!!! Here's a good 1, from when the dumb bastard broke out of the Super-Stalag of Space! I was THERE, U know!!! Way in the back!!! Anyway, it turns out, Blockade Boy just tagged along with Matter-Eater Lad, and he spent the whole time BITCHING about how useless his super-power was!!!!! But at least he didn't have that stupid beard!!!!! The DOWN-SIDE is U could see MORE of his FACE!!!!!!


"Tater": Heh-heh. Sweet doodles, dude!

Gossip Queen: Thanks!!! I made them myself!!!!!

"Tater": That brings up a question I've had on my puzzler for nigh unto a week, now! How does your power work, anyhow? Is it like that telepathy business, like them Titanians can do? Or do ya got yerself some kinda cyber-whatsis hook-up to a spy satellite? Oh! And a follow-up question: what kinda range are we talkin' about? Could Blockade Boy ever escape yer all-seein' eyeball?

Gossip Queen: It's complicated!!! But I guess it's a psychic power that's augmented by my cybernetics!!! Once I've gotten within visual distance of a person, I can make a permanent psychic link with them!!! But it's not deep or anything!!! I can't read their minds!!!! It's more like playing "tat" or when you "bookmark" a site on the Intergalactic Intraweb!!! And then I can send out a portion of my astral body 2 wherever he goes!!!!! Even across the UNIVERSE, or OTHER DIMENSIONS!!!!! My astral body gives me a "video feed" that I can project just like any other memory!!!!!

"Tater": That's so cool! But what if somethin' were ta happen ta yer cybernetics? Er... just hyper-thetically, mind ya.

Gossip Queen: HUH?????? What do you MEAN????????????

"Tater": Well... Say the electronics got all jacked-up, say from gittin' hit by a spanner, or maybe some feller sprayed the lens with black spray paint. This is just scientific spec'yurlation, natch.

Gossip Queen: I never really THOUGHT about it B-4!!! If the implant got damaged, it could severely limit the transmission range!!! I might not be able to send my astral body as far!!!! Or if I could, I might not be able 2 receive the video feed!!!!! If all that happened was the lens getting covered up, I just wouldn't be able 2 project what I SAW!!!!! But I could still TELL everybody!!!!!

"Tater": So, what yer sayin' is, this hyper-thetical individual'd have to also gag yer mouth and tie ya up, or otherwise incapassy-tate ya, perhaps with a drugged bottle of space-wine.

Gossip Queen: I don't underst--

"Tater": Hyper-thetically.

Gossip Queen: Can we get back to talking about--

"Tater": Well, that's all the time we have fer today! Thank ya kindly, Gossip Queen! This interview has been enlightenin' as all git-out! ADIOS, AMIGOS!


MaGnUs said...

Ah, I hadn't noticed Gossip Queen was a dude... so he's a "Queen" in the Queer One-Eye For The Straight Guy sense?

Is he the same species as Warden Tsaquin of Takron Galtos?

captain koma said...

Hmmm Cowboys...

A guy called a Queen....

C'mon now all we need is the pudding and Cartman's right again.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Perez Dox (a.k.a. Gossip Queen) is a hyper, obnoxious twerp. That is all.

MaGnUs: As was mentioned in the Roll Call post, Gossip Queen is from Colu, like Brainiac 5. The single robot eye replaced two organic eyes. (I'm feeling very "Bob Rozakis" right now.)

Captain Koma: Pudding? Did somebody mention pudding? Where--?!!

LurkerWithout said...

Lets hope the rest of the BBRS is as slow on the uptake as Gossip Queen. And that they use less punctuation. For real!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

So does he, like, talk with 2's and B-4's all the time or something? L7

Bill S. said...

Wait, is there another member of the Blockade Boy Espionage Squad out there? Why was I not appraised of this fact ahead of time? I feel so out of the loop!

I suddenly realize I'm actually a member of the Substitute Blockade Boy Revenge Squad. That hurts, yo. I need a kono-tini.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Lurker: Oh, the Squad is not the cleverest bunch I've ever tangled with. They wouldn't be half as annoying if they didn't have super-powers and access to unlimited space-cheddah.

Jon: Pretty much, yeah! LOL

Bill S.: And I wish I'd thought of the kono-tini! That would actually hit the spot about now!

MaGnUs said...

Ah, I totally missed him being a Coluan.... I thought he was a bit too green for Tsaquin's species.