Thursday, May 22, 2008

Bad Apple Boy

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This muscle-headed goober is Si Las, codenamed "Bad Apple Boy." He's one of the new detectives at the Eyeful Ethel Detective Agency Featuring Blockade Boy, and I can't stand his phony ass. I hate his smooth, hairless body, which he likes to smear with baby lotion and potting soil. I hate his goofy Chia Pet soul patch. I hate his stupid sideways moopsball cap. I hate his two-tone footie-overalls, and his synth-rubber wristband that reads "LIVE WRONG", and how he wears the damn thing on the same arm as his dumb frowny-face apple tattoo, instead of wearing it on the opposite arm to provide visual balance, like any sensible person would. I hate how that whiskey-rough baritone voice he likes to use is a total put-on, as evidenced by the time I caught him talking to his brother on his Omnicom and he sounded like Mike Tyson. I hate how he goes on and one about how he's from Rimbor (the Toughest Planet in the Universe) but if you read his personnel file, it states quite clearly that his family moved away from there when he was like, two months old, and he spent most of his life on an agricultural satellite, and the only time he got into trouble with the law was when he threw a stink-bomb into a restaurant full of hyper-chicken farmers, on a dare. From his frat. GAH.

Okay, okay, so that's a lot of bile. I have to work with this tool, so I might as well remind myself of his good qualities! He, um, well...

...I got nothin'.

10 comments:

Gustavo said...

You know, I have a musician friend who looks just like him. Too bad I cannot access his MySpace from here at work so you can see his pic.

Anyway, I have to say, without knowing him personally ( and loathing him as you do ) that the "Bad Apple" tattoo is sort of funny in a cute way.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Uh, let's see. Well if you're on the job and you get in a scuffle with a couple of heavies, you could throw Bad Apple at them.

Gyuss Baaltar said...

does one Bad Apple Boy spoil the whole bunch?

/obvious
/had to be done

LurkerWithout said...

Theres nothing about Bad Apple Boy that can't be fixed by spiking his Cheap Domestic Beer with NyQuil and then selling him to some Dominators...

Comixbear said...

Yes, yes, yes, he's rough and has a bad attitude. But can he dance?

http://comixbearbarecomix.blogspot.com/

Bill S. said...

If redheads are suppose to wear green, then shouldn't greenheads wear red?

I'm hoping the tat is some sort of futuristic tatoo that actually reflects his mood, so if he was happy, it would grin. Like a mood-tat. That could be the only evidence of emotion aside from the surliness he normally displays. This type of guy only ever seems surly, in my experience.

(In my experience, they also don't like being hit on, nor do they take jokes about their endowment particularly well...)

Blockade Boy said...

Gustavo: I begrudgingly agree with you about the tattoo.

Jon: I like the way you think!

Gyuss: Boo! BOOOOOO!!!

Lurker: Sounds good to me. But knowing Ethel, she'd just hire another fake-ass boy-toy. First Nightmare Boy, now this joker--! What is wrong with her?

Comixbear: I'm guessing he can bust a move as well as any boy-band member. Which he kinda resembles!

Bill S.: I'm learning a lot of new things about you, Bill!

Dr. Tectonic said...

You do realize that with that level of animosity, you're pretty much doomed by the forces of cosmic irony to hook up with him at some point, right?

Sorry, man. Just be careful how drunk you get over the next few months, is all I'm sayin'.

Maybe the soul patch will grow on you...

Blockade Boy said...

Dr. Tectonic: *shudder* Given my track record in the romance department, you're probably right! Note to self: be extra-nice to Bad Apple Boy, to avoid the build-up of any sexual tension.

MaGnUs said...

Footies? Oh Gawd!