Monday, May 22, 2006

The Zaniac Craves The Perfect Tanning Lotion!

the nightmare begins

I am the Zaniac! You may remember me from "Thor" #319 (May, 1982)! But probably not! I am here to tell you about my new tanning lotion! I call it "Tanhunt!" It is the choice of professional makeup artists everywhere! I remember the old tanning lotions I used to buy! They smeared and dripped and left finger marks on my beefy, hairy legs! The pretty-pretties laughed at me! I hated the old tanning lotions for that! The hate built up inside me, festering! And I knew that one day that hate would explode! That's when I decided to create "Tanhunt!"


I am going to explain the difference between the old-style lotions and "Tanhunt!" First of all "Tanhunt" comes in a wide range of colors! Including David Berkowitz Bronze, Karla Ho-mocha, You'll Never Get Me Copper, and Tantan Macoute! Also including Jaundice Wayne Gacy! That is my favorite one! I crave it! But there is an even better feature of my tanning lotion!

incredible aim

Suppose for a moment you are wearing my new tanning lotion in a movie role and you are filming on location! Suppose for another moment that a cigar-smoking amateur movie critic with unbelievable aim manages to ignite a crate full of TNT and also just a pinch of uranium (don't ask)! Suppose also that years later another writer realizes that what happens next is too big of a load of b.s. even for "Thor" readers to swallow and so he ret-cons some mystical parasitic vermin-type thing into my origin! Is that okay? Sweet! Let us continue!

in full bloom

Suppose the residual radiation and/or the mystical parasitic vermin-type thing (if you are so inclined) packs a couple hundred pounds of muscle onto your arms, legs, and torso, and adds several inches to your... er, height! Only "Tanhunt" moves with your mutating form, giving you continuous smooth coverage with no streaks or thin patches! No other tanning lotion can do this! Only "Tanhunt!" The pretty-pretties will love you! So you won't have to stick your knife into them! Buy it today!



Anonymous said...

"You'll Never Get Me Copper".

Heh heh.

Also, is that skin-toned saliva, or did Zaniac grow an oddly incomplete beard during the lotion's mutation phase? Either way it seems like something for the warning label...

Anonymous said...

Y'know, Zaniac, I don't say this to many guys, but you'd look better if you tore your clothes off and danced around in a red feather boa and green underwear. And definitely got a wax.

P.S. Tantan Macoute is my favorite!

Steven said...

"And now I'm out of the closet"

Really? Is that the best way to phrase that? Particularly for a killer with such misogynistic tendencies?

(btw, how many of the killer/skintones did you come up with off the top of your head? I hadn't even heard of two of them. There is something seriously wrong with you.)

Scipio said...

"You'll Never Get Me Copper"

That's one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Marry me, Blockade Boy!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Chawunky: About that yellow liquid dripping from the Zaniac's mouth... in the original version of this panel he's holding a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. The Comics Code Authority made Marvel remove it.

Constantine: Holy cats, you're right! The Creeper is like the Zaniac's flamboyant little brother.

Steven: You can thank Google for my Karla Homolka/Ho-mocha reference. Aw, now I've gone and Penn-and-Tellered myself!

Scipio: *claps hands together and rests the side of my chin against them* I thought you'd never ask!

Cash for Cars Indianapolis said...

I am in the tanning industry and I found that pretty funny!