I am the Zaniac! You may remember me from "Thor" #319 (May, 1982)! But probably not! I am here to tell you about my new tanning lotion! I call it "Tanhunt!" It is the choice of professional makeup artists everywhere! I remember the old tanning lotions I used to buy! They smeared and dripped and left finger marks on my beefy, hairy legs! The pretty-pretties laughed at me! I hated the old tanning lotions for that! The hate built up inside me, festering! And I knew that one day that hate would explode! That's when I decided to create "Tanhunt!"
I am going to explain the difference between the old-style lotions and "Tanhunt!" First of all "Tanhunt" comes in a wide range of colors! Including David Berkowitz Bronze, Karla Ho-mocha, You'll Never Get Me Copper, and Tantan Macoute! Also including Jaundice Wayne Gacy! That is my favorite one! I crave it! But there is an even better feature of my tanning lotion!
Suppose for a moment you are wearing my new tanning lotion in a movie role and you are filming on location! Suppose for another moment that a cigar-smoking amateur movie critic with unbelievable aim manages to ignite a crate full of TNT and also just a pinch of uranium (don't ask)! Suppose also that years later another writer realizes that what happens next is too big of a load of b.s. even for "Thor" readers to swallow and so he ret-cons some mystical parasitic vermin-type thing into my origin! Is that okay? Sweet! Let us continue!
Suppose the residual radiation and/or the mystical parasitic vermin-type thing (if you are so inclined) packs a couple hundred pounds of muscle onto your arms, legs, and torso, and adds several inches to your... er, height! Only "Tanhunt" moves with your mutating form, giving you continuous smooth coverage with no streaks or thin patches! No other tanning lotion can do this! Only "Tanhunt!" The pretty-pretties will love you! So you won't have to stick your knife into them! Buy it today!
I AM THE ZANIAC!!!