Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Clark Svent


I hear he used to play for the Vikings! From "Thor" #373 (November, 1986) it's the Thunder God's "secret identity," Sigurd Jarlson. Really, Odinson? That's the best you could come up with for a name? How 'bout Lars Kent? Bror Wayne? Hal Jurgens? Dierk Grayson? Jansen Storm, which gets bonus points for use of the word "storm"? Mike Hammer? No, wait, wait... I got it! Chuck Norse!

This is a very simple look for Thor. It was 1986, so I think he really could have worked a cream-colored Italian suit with a sky-blue t-shirt and some nice Nordic-themed silver jewelry. For a slight edge, I'd match it up with some alligator-skin boots. I'd also either keep the hair in the ponytail but slick the whole thing down with something appropriately greasy, or undo the ponytail and fluff the hair up into a perfectly 80's mane. He'd look just like those brawny, monosyllabic characters who work as bodyguards for the drug-dealing bad guys in 80's action films. Still, I suppose Thor is trying to not stick out of a crowd so the plainclothes thing is a good idea. Although I feel sorry for anybody who tries to help him with that duffel bag. 'Cause it has Mjolnir inside it! "Jeebus, Sigurd, what do you got in this thing? An anvil? I can't even pick it up!" "That's because thou be not worthy, mortal-- er, I mean, don't sweat it, buddy! I'll take the bag, you grab us a couple a' cold ones!" Which reminds me: apparently Thor can talk like a normal human being when he sets his mind to it. (I always knew he was a poser.)

Let's go to a close-up, shall we?


Yikes. I think he might need to cut back on the cortisone injections. Or the cheese fries. Say, fellas, here's some fashion advice I think you might find helpful: if you want to avoid a case of "fat face" like ol' Sigurd here (and you're not already fat everywhere else) try not to do all of these things at the same time:

  1. Have a large, fluffy hairstyle.
  2. Grow a big, bushy beard.
  3. Wear enormous, cheek-covering aviator spectacles.
  4. Be drawn by Sal Buscema.

In "comics nerd learns to appreciate football" news, Jeremy watched the Vikings/Redskins game. He decided to root for the Vikings since he liked their uniforms better. And they won, barely! Some of the adorable tyke's observations:

  • When a Redskins player crumpled to the ground in a non-contact injury at kickoff, he said "That's why you don't wear five-inch stilletto heels in a football game."
  • On the news that Minnesota starting safety Dwight Smith had been "deactivated": "Ah, so he's kind of like the Vision... if S.H.I.E.L.D. had caught the Vision doing something indecent to a lady in a stairwell."
  • Darren Sharper, with his hyperbaric chamber, invited comparisons to Jack Of Hearts. And neither of us could figure out why the chamber looked like a cross between a sleeping bag and a cartoon race car.
  • In the fourth quarter, Washington incurred a five yard penalty for an "incidental facemask." Which is a good description for this thing. Y'know, when the eyeholes are that big it renders the mask completely ineffectual, Schumacher.
  • Going by ESPN's preshow graphics, certain players have the ability to glow radioactively and grow to half again their normal height, then shrink back down again, all in a matter of seconds. Jeremy hopes the league is testing their urine for Pym Particles.


Brandon Bragg said...

Dear Blockade Boy,

My case of "fatface" just won't clear up. I've tried pills, injections, and even topical creams. Nothing seems to work.

My beard is half-assed at best, my glasses are small, I have short hair and, to my knowledge, I've never been drawn by Sal Buscema.

Whatever shall I do?

-Fatfaced in Frankfort

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Chuck Norse -- that's funny!

Oh and Jermey saying that he cheered for the Vikings because of their uniforms sounds kind of girlie, not that I'm questioning his manhood. There are better ways to say it like "Jeremy cheered for the Vikings because their logo reminded him of Thor, the Norse God of Thunder" or something.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Dear Fatfaced In Frankfort,

Here's the root of your problem: you live in Frankfort, which has long been considered by experts to be the most fattening city in the world. Some as-yet-unidentified element in the atmosphere warps light particles, causing Frankfort's citizens to look at least fifty pounds heavier than they really are. You must move, immediately!

Blockade Boy

P.S. If your beard is "half-assed" you might as well just shave the damn thing off because I have it on good authority that all of your friends are laughing at you whenever you leave the room.

Jon: Hey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Gloria said...

Aw! Nostalgia creeping in! I really enjoyed the Simonson period, frogs an' all. I must say that Sal Buscema may not be everyone's cup of tea but once you revise his work I must say is more solid than that of other more fashionable artists: he is good at storytelling.

... Tho' I must agree that Odinson's secret alter ego's looks were indeed, huh, not something to make history, but, unlike the very 80-ish looks of the Thor of the future hasn't dated as bad.

What do you think of Eric Masterson aka Thunderstrike? I think it was not too bad

Jeremy Rizza said...

I also enjoyed the Simonson period. Which is odd, since I absolutely hated his writing in "Avengers." And I agree with you that Sal Buscema is a master storyteller... provided the story is about people making angry screamy faces while they lean backwards and gesture with their fingers splayed as far apart as humanly possible. Sorry, I seem to have gone off on a tangent there. My apologies. Seriously, though, his layouts are supreme, even if I don't care for his figure work. And he's one hell of an inker, I'll give him that.

And I really liked Eric Masterson's Thor costume, especially the mask, and you know what? I even liked his Thunderstrike costume, vest and ponytail and all. I know ponytails haven't been hip in forever but for some reason I never got tired of them. I know... its a sickness. But someday ponytails will come back! And then everyone will see how right I am! *manical laugh*