How's it hangin', turkeys? Not good, I bet. Hi. Lancelot Steele here. I'm sure you remember me from the first three years of the "Dazzler" comic, specifically issue numbers 3 through 31 (May 1981 to March 1984). And I'm here to tell you about a fantastic opportunity!
- Are you a miserable, sexless loser? But of course you are... you're a comic book fan!
- Do you long to become a rampaging sex magnet who spends every night atop a sweaty, greasy, writhing pile of the opposite or homogenous sex?
- Are you easily gulled by "get rich quick" schemes and shady, fly-by-night internet merchants?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then you'll want to buy a copy of my latest and greatest self-help guide, "Be Steele, My Heart." If you answered yes to that third question I highly recommend purchasing several copies of my book! I guarantee it will quintuple in value within six months! So lay your eyes on this, dudes and dudettes! The following is just a sample of the bonertifically-proven advice I'm offering you, my loyal fans.
Rule #22: We all know there are two kinds of women: dogs and foxes. But did you also know that there are two kinds of foxes? It's true! There are winners and losers, and you have to know the difference before you can score! So how can you tell? Easy! Try putting the moves on her. A loser fox will hem and haw and mumble something about "not wanting to lose you as a friend" or "being married to the Lord" or how she's "over ninety years old and quite fragile" or how she's "just a voice in your head and what you're flirting with is actually a role of carpet somebody leaned up against the wall." A winner fox? Will be on you like cheese on a steak sandwich, and she won't take your wallet when you're not looking, either!
Rule #35: Dress for action. You want steamy, violent, underpants-destroying sex (or as the more sensitive types call it, "romance"). You need to send a clear message. Do it visually! I'm not saying wear a jacket with the phrase "Horny Now" embroidered on the back of it (although I do own one). That's actually too literal. Use pictures! I had a series of t-shirts emblazoned with simple pictograms -- like the kind you see on traffic signs and restroom doors -- indicating whichever sexual position I was most interested in that day. But I kept getting carted off to jail so I had to go with the more ambiguous "heart' symbol. It still works!
Rule #46: Don't tolerate competitors! You're a horndog. You need to mark your territory. No, not like that! That will also get you arrested. (Learned that one the hard way.) And not only are the turkeys in the above panel sniffing around one of my favorite hunting grounds (the hallways being used as a makeshift tornado shelter at the mall) but the way they're dressed is positively stomach-churning. Setting the mood is key when you're on the make. I go for total ambience. If anybody else around is wearing something that crimps the love vibe I'm sending out, I hussle their asses through the door. Sometimes they resist. Then you have to get physical. See that lady in the dowdy green Lois Lane dress? I just punched her in the face. Didn't want her "hassling the talent!" And to answer your question, yes, I do refer to my penis as "the talent."
Rule #47: Sometimes turkeys you think are competitors don't have the same sexual interests that you do! And sometimes they think you "need to be taken down a peg or two" and that you're a "pretty boy" with a "whorish mouth" and they drag you into a broom closet! Listen up: it is vital that you learn to identify which turkeys are after the foxes and which ones aren't. I still have trouble with this one -- sometimes I run into the same non-competing turkeys week after week and they smirk at me and they say "Look who's back for some" and I try to run but they grab me and pin me down. I don't know how that keeps happening. But my point I'm trying to make is that when it comes to this situation, you losers are on your own. I'm just giving you fair warning, is all.
I'll be back with more excerpts from my book on Monday. Until then, hang loose... and go for it!