Dear Glynda,
I am writing you from the prison hospitle. In France. I know thats probly a shock but I figger its best to just be out with it like rippin off a bandaid.
So heres what happened this time. You know that one guy Hap who used to hench for the Calculater well he told me last time I was in jail I oughta take me a electronicks class cause then I can get better paying gigs. And I did! And it was easy! Like I learnt COMPUTER LANGUAGE which is a breeze you dont have to worry about captilzashun or fancy-shmancy grammer or nothing. So then like two days after my releas I meet this guy Whitey who says hes rounding up tecknolodgical-minded henchmen for a big cushy job in some guys big floating fortress over in EUROPE and the airfare is free and they even take care of faking the visa and what-not so of course I say YES.
Well it turns out the boss is a one-armed NAZI name of "General Sal" or something ekwally stupid and Im thinking of cutting and running right there I mean even a old merc like mes got standards but I already signed the contract and I really need the dough so beggers cant be choosers I guess. In the plus collum I get to wear only the sweetest hi-teck supersuit like EVER. All shiny and red and silver and the arms and legs look like Slinkys and the guns are BUILT RIGHT IN and the helmet is so big they had room for some kinda machine that gives you a Japanese massajh now and then just for kicks. The teck part is top of the line like even more advansed that a Commodore Vic-20 if you can beleive it. Even better the suit was already detailed when I got there washed and waxed and the interior smells like pine needels so I guess other than the Nazi part that General Sal guy is a real class act.
There was maybe a couple hunnert henchguys there altogether so natchurly I seen a lotta famillyer faces. Smitty and Clubber and Freebie and Porky and Two-Tone and Nosey and Stumpy and Winks and probly even more I cant remmember right now cause the beating I took whapped some a the names right outta my skull. So after we all suit up we get devided into groups some a us have to invade some jerkwater country nobody likes called "Zandia" and some a us have to right away fight the New Teen Titans and some a us are put in "resserve" for later. Guess who gets put in resserve? You got it and Im thinkin GREAT no bonus for me but then MORE super guys attack only these ones are EVIL. So General Sal says "Sic em."
Evil guys dont play fair (and I should know) so I right away I know we are royally screwed. Clubber plows into this German guy who looks like the time Manny Jr. ate too much cotton candy and yakked it back up onto that quilt your Gramma made you and the German guy MELTS him. Just like that. Oh and by the way I cant help but notice one a the other groups appairently beat the Titans cause now the Titans are in a big Popamatick bubble deal being turned into cavemen altho I couldunt tell right away at first I thought maybe they were all just Italian or somethin.
Anyway like one second after Clubber bites it this freaky chick with big weird calligraffy eyebrows puts a whammy on Two-Tone and Winks and me too a little bit only I wasnt really paying attenshun to her so it didnt work too good on me like everybodys arms start to look like snakes and Im thinking "That aint right" so I shake it off but Ill tell you what Two-Tone and Winks sure got a load of it. The poor dumb shmoes start shooting at eachother like theres no tommorrow and they even wing me in the arm and the cassette drive whirs and the video screen prints out LEFT GUN MALFUNKSHUN and then Winks nails Two-Tone point-blank in the chest and then he turns on ME so what am I gonna do? I got no choice right? I gotta shoot Winks right in the head. And the hole time Im thinking of '66 when he got my back in that barfight we had with Ding Dong Daddys gang but now it was every man for hisself.
So the freaky chick dont do nothing after that she just stands there looking all proud a herself or maybe shes thinking up more stupid ways to drawn on her eyebrows so Freebie and Smitty and oh yeah this guy Id just met before named Sluggo we charge at this French guy whos in a fruity gold number and his head looks like its coming outta a lobsters ASS and Im praying to God his superpowers are as lame as he looks so of course he wiggles his fingers and the four a us are in SPACE. Yeah I know. WHAT THE FUCK. The visor starts to frost up and I feel like my eyeballs are gonna pop right outta my skull and I can see the other three just floating away but I was last and I reach out for whatever I can and by pure dumb luck I grab the edge a the hole Frenchie made and its SOLID. So I pull myself back thru into Earth again and hightail it for the exits cause contract or no contract Id had enuff of THAT shit. And the video screen is saying JYROSCPICK COMPENSATERS MALFUNKSHUNING and Im bumping into shit left and right but the hell with it I just want out. Oh and at this point the Titans had freed theirselfs so I have to worry about dodjing THEIR sorry asses. But whaddaya know I make it outside free and clear so guess what happens next. No GUESS.
That one Black Titan Cy Berg or what have you I guess hes Jewish like Sammy Davis Jr. is hanging off a the floating headquarters by one a his stupid Inspecter Gadjet arms and Im heading strate for him cause I cant mannoover too good no more and this OTHER sunuvabitch who they tell me later is Whitey the guy who got me INTO this mess is ALSO heading strate for him from the other direckshun and then ZOOP! Cy Berg yanks hisself up and we crash and the suit blows me to Kingdom Come and by Kingdom Come I mean France.
I wake up in a hospitle bed in prison and its worse than reglar prison cause its FRENCH PRISON and it smells like garlic and everybodys all snooty just cause I cant speak France and they alla them smoke like ALL THE TIME even when their showering I dont know how they do it. Also I been having them dreams again where Im that guy on that other Earth. The last one was the weerdest I was in a supervillain PARADE and it ended with me going to jail which is appropreeate.
So thats all the news. Take care and dont forget to jot down my new address and also if you can make me some snickerdooduls. I gotta craving for some snickerdooduls.
Your loving husband,
Manny
5 comments:
Ah, me, I will never tire of these epistolaries.
Blockade Boy, thank you! It's a tired cliche, but you always make me laugh.
"Cy Berg" Holy Crap that's awesome.
I guess he'd be the Sammy Davis Jr. of the Titans.
Hey, is that Snow White's evil step mother throwing them spells around?
Blockade Boy, just what are you doing in possession of these letters from a supervillain henchman?
You know, I had an idea once for a series about superhero sidekicks--you know, the non-powered people who get caught up in the dangerous lifestyles of supers--but now I'm thinking that a series about henchmen would be even more interesting reading. Pitch this to DC.
The battlesuits on the Rocket Dead Brigade here actually look pretty good. Very much like one of Byrne's "Ribbed for Her Pleasure" armor designs. (N.B. Madame Rouge in body armor? WTF? Wouldn't that sort of render her powers completely useless?)
As for that last page -- what exactly were these geniuses expecting to happen? Let's assume Cyborg just hung there -- what happens next? A 'splody sandwich as they both pile into Vic Stone? Oy.
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