Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Batroc The Leaper Only WISHES He Was This Gay

bbhead100906 Sometimes it takes a queen to catch a queen.

archieflipper

Yes, the Web is simply drooling over the chance to get his hands on the Flipper's "loot-filled pouch." It's a veritable treasure-trove! Why, the jewels alone...! Er, *ahem.* The above nonsense is presented courtesy of "Archie's Super Hero Special" #1 ("1978 Edition" according to the indicia) and it reprints a story from Archie Comics' frankly desperate attempt to replicate the bombastic writing style of Stan Lee. Sad, really. I mean, it's not as though Stan ever ripped off the Archie Comics style. Oh, wait, he totally did.

Y'know, as much as I enjoy costumes with wide black horizontal stripes, the Flippers' duds just aren't doin' it for me. For one thing, he's a thief, and he's disguised himself with a mask, and yet he's not wearing gloves. That kind of thing only works if you've used battery acid to burn your fingerprints off, and it's really not worth it. Trust me. Then there's the upturned collar. Hell, he might as well sew a little embroidered alligator to the front of his costume, put on some penny loafers, wrap a sweater around his neck, vote Republican, and be done with it. (Say, maybe "the Flipper" is his nickname from private school! Y'know, for his uncanny ability to take a straight classmate under the bleachers for about five minutes and convince them to "change teams" as it were.) My solution for the Flipper's costume? In all seriousness, I'd give him some gloves, get that stupid collar off it it, and exchange the mask for a balaclava. It's far more mysterious that way! Also, maybe he shouldn't, y'know, talk.

The Web, on the other hand, might be beyond even my help. (Kidding! I'm a genius! Wile E. Blockade Boy, that's me!)

Dig that goofy cape! I bet if he walks through a playground he emerges with a bunch of eight-year-olds clinging to it. And then he's like "What the hell?" and he has to shake them off like they're ladybugs. Something similar happens if he strolls though a Marine boot camp. Only then he doesn't shake them off. Then there's the bat-winged Vampira collar and the sad little belt buckle. Ugh. Webs are a tricky motif for super-costumes, because they can look way too busy when used in excess -- although I believe I've come up with a great look for Spider Girl, which I hope to show you later this week. My solution for the Web? Ditch the cape and the collar, incoporate the web pattern on the top part of the costume, like, drape it over the shoulders and the torso, and change the color scheme from yellow and green to black and silver, or maybe black and electric blue. Voila. Oh, and he oughta dye his hair black. No, wait! He oughta bleach it out 'til it's completely white! Yeah, that'd rawk. Oh, and I just thought of this! Maybe he could use the cape as his signature weapon, y'know, like how the gladiators in Ancient Roman Tymes used nets (and tridents) in their matches! Suh-WEET! YEAH!!! *pounds chest, gorilla-style* Man, I'm really pumped about this now! I might have to actually draw it!

That's all for now. Get back to work, you goldbricks!

4 comments:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

"Flipping... twirrling... Will we never be able to catch that irrepressible scamp?"

"Don't worry mayor, I'll let him have it!"

Hey, howcome it says that the web is unleashing his powerhouse right, but the picture shows a punch with the left hand?

The Fortress Keeper said...

Whee! It's The Web!

I want to see your costume design.

It has to be better than that stupid "super-spy" remake DC attempted with their Impact Comics line in the 90s.

Crowded House said...

My favorite part has to be how the mayor deals with the dread threat of the Flipper: by sitting perfectly still and delivering exposition-filled dialogue, with his arms apparently glued to his sides.

Also: is it just me, or is the Flipper mooning the mayor in panel one? I assume, of course, that that is what he does every time he enters a room.

Darth Nepharia said...

Such a nice, tight a** too....stripes, a fanny pack(?), and a nice looking butt: he's gay.