Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Your Cheatin' Hair

headshotjeremy Monday night's game had a strong match-up between the New York Giants and the Dallas Cowboys, and entirely too much Hank Williams, Jr. and his "Just For Men" dye job. (Fifty-seven years old and nary a gray hair? I don't think so.) The differently-hideous Tony Kornheiser, meanwhile, either forgot to have the spray-on tan applied to his pasty pink scalp (plainly visible beneath the few wispy strands of hair in his combover) or else he's inordinately fond of wearing sunhats. I didn't have a favorite team in this game, so I decided to root for the Giants on the sole basis that I find the Cowboys to be aesthetically displeasing. Especially the cheerleader uniforms. All that fringe! Tacky! And now for my extremely spotty and easily-distracted play-by-play:

  • Dallas fans aren't happy about their quarterback, Drew Bledsoe, starting. Or even playing at all, I guess, since some of them are brandishing signs reading "We want Romo." Looking at Tony Kornheiser makes me want bromo, so I can sort of relate.
  • New York's #18, Jeff Feagles holds the NFL punting record (1457 at the start of this game) which is even more impressive to me, since based on his headshot, he's apparently crosseyed. His first punt rolls up to the goal line. Dallas is forced to play with Bledsoe standing in the endzone, and the Giants' #55 Lavar Arrington sacks him for the first safety of Arrington's career (and the first one I've ever seen, or at least paid any attention to).
  • One of the most horrifying announcements I could ever imagine (on par with "That wasn't Mountain Dew" and "I have everything on videotape"): "When we come back, Hank Williams, Jr. joins us in the booth." Oh please God no.
  • An announcer deems Bledsoe "not a very mobile individual." Maybe a Hoverround would help. Four-and-a-half minutes into the second quarter and Bledsoe had been sacked four times. Seriously, he spends more time on his back than Paris Hilton.
  • Kornheiser talks about that "all-star" version of "Are You Ready For Some Football?" that HW Jr. recorded, and then he asks him if he thought about getting Pink in there. *shudder* I know that guys who look like Kornheiser think about gals who look like Pink, and I also know there's nothing inherently wrong with it; hell, 99.9% of the U.S. population is pretty sorry-looking, myself included, natch... it's just that I don't want to have to think about Kornheiser lusting after Pink. Is that so terribly shallow of me?
  • Hank Jr.: "I got a case with a lotta awards in it. The greatest award in the world is that ten-year-old that looks up and says 'Oh my gosh! You da man from Monday Night!'" Wait, so Hank Williams Jr. has a ten-year-old in a case?! Does John Walsh know about this?
  • Late in the second quarter, Arrington gets carted off the field with a torn Achilles' tendon. Aw, now who's going to sack Drew Bledsoe? Oh yeah... everybody.
  • Bill Parcells replaces Bledsoe with #9 Tony Romo for the second half. Romo immediately throws an interception... which the Giants turn into a touchdown, making the score 19-7, Giants. Dallas fans scramble to make new signs.
  • With 2:33 left in the game, Giants #35 Kevin Dockery intercepts a Romo pass and runs ninety-six yards for a touchdown. Sweet! Giants win, 36-22.

1 comment:

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Romo's a graduate of Eastern Illinois University, which makes him OK in my book. I mean, I guess, I've never seen him play or anything.