Friday, October 27, 2006

The Curious Case Of The Crunch-Coated Cop

bbhead100906 I think DC missed an amazing opportunity for a spin-off from this Firestorm back-up story in "Flash" #304 (December, 1981).

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I bet being involuntarily costumed as an ice cream vendor was a profoundly life-changing experience for that policeman. At the least, it would have driven him stark-raving bonkers. I can just picture him quitting the force to wrestle with his conflicting need to dispense both justice and fudgesicles. He'd be DC's very own peanut buster parfait Punisher! Grimly, he'd patrol the streets of, er, wherever the hell Firestorm was living at the time, in a gloss-black ice cream truck (with all the windows tinted, but of course), death metal music blaring in a garbled, stuttering fashion from the damaged speakers. Besides the usual arsenal of high-tech weaponry, he'd lob scoops of mace-chocolate-chip at his enemies and use jagged waffle cones like ninja throwing stars. He'd burst into a crack den and machine-gun the place, giggling "How 'bout some sprinkles, bitches?!!" Maybe he'd enjoy occasional team-ups with a smaller, more refined vigilante by the name of Haagen-Dasz (a Danish* spy, perhaps?) or a pair of drug-addled underground radicals called Ben and Jerry, or maybe even a sultry, fishnet-hosed karate-chopper codenamed the Blue Bunny. Of course, he'd still wear the ice cream man uniform, only without the jacket and with the sleeves of the shirt ripped off to expose his massive, oiled/grimy biceps. And naturally he'd have a couple of bandoleros draped over his shoulders, and two ice-cream scoopers in leather holsters, like guns. Yeah... that would've been pretty sweet. *sighs wistfully*

*Although Haagen-Dasz is actually an American brand. (I hope I didn't blow your mind.)

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard my legs hurt.

Scipio said...

More fuel for my hatred of Ronnie Raymond.

Ice Cream Men DO wear uniforms, you dolt! Change him into NORMAL clothes or make him naked.

Darth Nepharia said...

"So let's take him OUT of uniform, professor!"

And he ended up in an ICE CREAM vendor uniform...I was hoping for something with a little more....erm....exposure.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh Darth N, you saucy manx.

Although Ronnie zapping his uniform into a wrestling singlet might have looked nice.

Matthew E said...

But ice-cream-related characters are villains. Any time anybody undergoes an ice-cream-related transformation they turn evil. As evidence I offer you King Kone, from a Rubberduck story in 'Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew', and Uncle Creamy from the Tick episode 'The Tick vs. Education'. So Firestorm was really just creating more work for himself with this cop.

Marcos said...

Is it just me, or does that ice cream treat he's holding post-transformation look a little, ahm, adult-themed?