I'm back, turkeys! The last time, I treated you all to some primo dating advice from my great new book, "Be Steele, My Heart." (Now available on audiocassette! Buy one for the horny illiterate in your life!) I presume you all took the gauntlet I threw down and made a solemn vow to transform yourselves into slobbering he-beasts of dynamic sexual power -- and failed miserably, being nerds and all, but at least you tried and I respect that. But I thought I'd better warn you of a frightening new phenomenon I've encountered: women who act like me! These women bristle with a mannish sort of confidence, and they conduct their love affairs with a carefree breeziness formerly reserved for certain U.S. presidents and members of the Dallas Cowboys football team. Let's take a look at one of the worst offenders (and my close personal friend) the Dazzler, as she goes through a typical day in November, 1984.
Here, she leads a group of her fellow women (and a few woman-y men, if you know what I mean and I think you do) in a set of suggestive exercises which strengthen the Naughty Regions and promote more informed and therefore enjoyable intercourse. I have a serious problem with this. One of the key parts of the Lancelot Steele Bedroom Experience is the element of surprise, as in "No, baby, it's supposed to feel like that! No, no, sweetheart, no, don't cry! No, I never said it was your fault! You're just new at this, is all. Look, you get yourself untangled, maybe wipe that one part off with some of those Kentucky Fried Chicken wet-naps I keep piled by the bed, I'll go turn that Journey album over to side "B" and we'll try again." See, keeping the weaker sex "in the dark" about certain matters assures you the upper hand in the bedroom. You'll be more confident, she'll sense your confidence and get even more turned on, and that will give you yet more confidence, and so forth in a vicious, sexy circle. Heck, you might not even have to actually get it on! You could just lay there and cuddle for a while! Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I kind of prefer it!
Do the Hustle! Here, the Dazzler takes a cue from the Steele-man and scurries a potential rival out of the general area as soon as she spots a couple of hot prospects. She even stole one of my pickup lines! ("All right, you two-- hold it right there!" which I normally address to a woman's boobs but I suppose it could work just as well when talking to two people.) Look at her! She's even dressed mannishly! Y'know, it's odd, but I've never been more attracted to her. Huh.
So here's Dazzler on the Moon, and she immediately scopes out the room for suitable bed-partners... Steele-style! And she also looks for any infants she could kidnap and use in a paternity scam. She does that a lot.
But she doesn't waste too much time on that last thing. Because she's a new kind of woman. A single-minded woman. A Steele woman. A woman who's not afraid to enjoy sex!
And sure, making love to a Steele woman is like nothing you've ever known. But as soon as you're done she's out the door, and she won't call you the next day.
And that may sound like the perfect hook-up. But if you're anything like me, it'll leave you hiding out behind the gauzy drapes of your four-poster bed, stuffing Reece's Pieces into your mouth, doodling "Mr. Lancelot Dazzler" in the pages of your Trapper Keeper, and sobbing hysterically.
Married men, beware! The sacred bonds of matrimony are but as tissue paper to the Steele woman! Armed with nothing but an unblinking stare and a startling directness, she can initiate hump-making with any man at any time!
And now for some bonus advice: you know what always impresses the babes? (Except for the Steele women but we shall speak no more of them.) Technology! I have a whole wall of my awe-inspiring bachelor pad devoted to video games! I have all the computer and console monitors labeled, and when I really want to show off I play the same game on all of them at once! Dig it!