Thursday, October 19, 2006

Retractable Field, Retractable Victory

headshotjeremySooooo... how about that game...? The football game, I mean? Bears-Cardinals? Well hell yes I mean the one three nights ago! I don't care; I wanna talk about it now! Sooooo... how about it?
  • The shiny new University of Arizona Stadium has a retractable grass field! (Wouldn't it be awesome if they retracted it in the middle of a game? Like when the score is 20-0 in favor of the Cardinals, just for a random example? And if beneath the field there was a big open shark tank, or maybe a pit filled with bobcats and stalagmites and landmines?) Also, the stadium has a roof that can slide open and which makes it look like a Celestial's bedpan.
  • Michele Tafoya is wearing a neutral blazer, a persimmon-colored blouse, and more gold chains than Mister T.
  • Announcer: "The big stage does not intimidate [Cardinals quarterback] Matt Leinart!" I agree. I once saw him in an off-Broadway production of "Dubarry Was A Lady" and he brought the house down! He had five curtain calls! Five!
  • Leinart is wired for sound, so every so often we're "treated" to his on-field remarks. Let's just say he's no Dorothy Parker. Example: "YeeeeeEEEEEAAA*voice cracking in the middle of it*AAAAAAAHHHhhhhhhh WOO!" Money well-spent!
  • Cardinals kicker Scott Player's "single bar" helmet is one of the dorkiest things I've ever seen... and I frequent comic book stores! And the bar isn't even up around his mouth! Apparently Player has a deep-seated fear of being punched in the Adam's apple. And after seeing him in that helmet I want to do just that.
  • Monday Night Football suddenly turns into "People Magazine" with a montage of quarterback/female celebrity couples: Leinart/Paris Hilton (ew), Tom Brady/Bridget Moynahan (who?!), Troy Aikman/Lorrie Morgan, Terry Bradshaw/Jo Jo Starbuck, and Joe Namath/Ann-Freaking-Margret. Namath wins.
  • Less than 3:00 before the half, the score is 17-0, Cardinals. Booth guest Charles Barkely thinks the Bears can still win it. Tony "My First Combover" Kornheiser thinks he's out of his mind. I realize that I'm beginning to hate Tony Kornheiser. He strikes me as a know-it-all weisenheimer who isn't nearly as funny or clever as he thinks he is. And I can't stand looking at him. Get a decent haircut already!
  • Leinart, wired for sound: "Are you ready for some footBAAALLLL?" I'm ready for you to shut the hell up, is what I'm ready for.
  • Even though they make a turnover within twenty yards of their own goal, the Cardinals are kept from making another touchdown by both the Bears and a heaping portion of their own incompetence. They have to make do with a field goal. The score is 20-0.
  • Barkley (a Cardinals fan): "I'm gonna make a prediction. Twenty ain't gonna be enough to win this game." Kornheiser is graciously indulgent with the poor, deluded Barkely.
  • Third quarter: Scott Player gets knocked down by a Bear and briefly assumes the pose of an Odalisque before getting back up again. Quit showboating your ass, Player! And lose the dork helmet!
  • With two seconds left in the third quarter, the Bears make their first touchdown. With the extra point and a previous field goal, the score is 23-10, Cardinals.
  • According to an announcer, Cardinals #32 Edgerrin James went to his managers and insisted the team be given black shoes instead of white shoes. (Unless they're playing before Labor Day.)
  • Fourth quarter: Cardinals #25 Eric Green tackles Bears #87 Mushin Muhammad by smashing into him from behind (what are you snickering at?) and the instant replay has a beautiful slow-mo view of the two of them falling on their asses at the exact same time.
  • Fourth: the Cardinals intercept a pass at the start of a play. #90 Darnell Dockett gets the ball and is immediately sacked, but he manages to land on top of Bears #81 Rashied Davis, pops back up and takes off down the field seventy yards for a touchdown. He picks up an entourage of five more Cardinals before he makes it to the end zone, the bizarre spectacle looking for all the world like the finale of "The Music Man" -- but it turns out most of the Bears weren't all that keen on chasing after him because they saw his knee had touched the ground. The Bears make a challenge. Touchdown denied!
  • Bears #54 Brian Urlacher scoops up the ball after teammate Charles Tillman pulls the ball away from the Edgerrin (Edward G. Robinson voice: "Where's your black shoes now? Myah!") and the Bears get another touchdown and the extra point, so the score becomes 23-17, Cardinals.
  • A Bears fan in the stands has a big glowing neon circle on his chest. I bet he models for Ethan Van Sciver.
  • With 2:58 left on the clock, an astounding 82-yard punt reception by Bears #23 Devin Hester ties the game. Chicago makes the extra point, but of course. Note to self: ask Charles Barkley for some good stock tips.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Ah what a game. Though like many discgusted Chicagoans, I went to bed when it was 23-10.

I think the retractable field thing is a neat idea, but wasn't that done in It's a Wonderful Life?" What's that chance of the Cardinals getting Alfalfa to throw the switch during a game?

And one point of order: It was Urlacher who caused the fumble and Tillman who ran it back for the TD. The Bears credited Urlacher with, like, 320 tackles for that game.

And I agree with you on Kornheiser, he certainly comes off as a real know-it-all. WE should make up a funny nickname for him, Korn-something-er. What could we use? Hmm...

Anonymous said...

Kornheiser is a good columnist -- he writes for my local paper, the Washington Post -- and I like his repartee with Mike Wilbon (another Postie) on Pardon the Interruption, but he's not doing it for me on MNF.

Hey, do you read Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column on If not, check it out; I think you'd appreciate the way he approaches the sport, if not the many pictures of scantily-clad cheerleaders sprinkled liberally throughout.