Friday, October 20, 2006

The Unflattering Accessories Of Doctor Destiny!

bbhead100906In "Justice League of America" #34 (March, 1965), bad apple Doctor Destiny fancies himself a personal stylist and literally "dreams up" some accessories for the team.


The haunted haberdashery puts a serious crimp in the League's crimefighting efforts. But more importantly, most of it just doesn't look very good! Why, if I had been in charge of the dialog... *cue harp glissando*

Superman: These glasses -- have given me the appearance of a stocky 60's business executive at a costume party... and the urge to down like, nine martinis, while chainsmoking and pinching my buxom secretary's ass!

Batman: This high school class ring on my hand -- paints me as a loser whose only success was as a varsity football hero! And now it's ten years later and I'm working as a delivery boy for a Chinese take-out joint, and I've gotten so chubby the goddamn ring won't come off my fat finger, and sometimes I have to deliver eggrolls to old classmates of mine, and they're living in these big fancy houses with gorgeous babes hanging off their arms, and the chicks look at me with this little sneer on their face like "Who's the loser?" and I think back about how I used to give the guy she's sleeping with a "swirly" in the boy's bathroom pretty much every day and now he's banging this hottie and then he pays me with a twenty and says "Keep the change" and I try to say "no" but he puts the money in my shirt pocket like he's doing me a fucking favor and he looks sincerely concerned about me and at that point I really want to give him another swirly.

Hawkman: Ever since these gloves appeared on my hands, I can do the dishes without the harsh detergents ruining my lovely hands! Also, just by having a little more skin covered up I now realize how creepy it is for me to galavant about in public with my shirt off in the still-square days of 1965, I mean, if it was the late 90's and I was a college boy at Lollapalooza with this amazing body sure I'd probably be shirtless along with all the other short-haired pseudo-hippie frat boys buying a six-foot-tall bong with my daddy's American Express card and pumping my fists to a Snoop Dogg number and thinking about date-raping that high school girl I'd flirted with fifteen minutes ago but right now? Kinda creepy. Also, I really wish I knew what happened to my nipples... and my package!

Wonder Woman: How can I defeat my foe, when the mask I'm wearing betrays my penchant for buying glitzy crap on QVC? It's covered in genuine cubic zirconia! I'm paying for it in twelve E-Z installments of $89.95! My house is filled with junk like this! I can't seem to help myself! Please, somebody help me! I'm living on cat food!

The Atom: And what chance do I have of overcoming my foe when I look like a complete dork? Also, I have an antenna on my head! I look like a bottle of liquid soap! No, I said only I only look like -- HEY! Put me down! Don't squeeze -- AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! *dies*

And to answer your question, Steven, I haven't forgetten about the "supervillain accessories" post. By which I mean I did completely forget about it until just now. D'oh!


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Dare I ask how Destiny got the accesories on the heroes in the first place? Was it like a reverse Emporer's New Clothes thing or something? Did he open up a boutique? How did he do it?

Anonymous said...

[finds original comment] Huh, I had forgotten too. Though no need to give Doom a Pimp Cup

He's already got one!

Unknown said...

Doctor Destiny should have tried to accessorize Morpheus back in that old issue of Sandman.

Imagine the comic goth god with antenna on his head!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Jon: The short answer? Magic. The long answer: typical Silver Age pseudo-science. In his original appearance, Destiny had used a clunky-looking device he called a "materioptikon" (imagine a squat upright coffin with lots of dials and gauges on it, and propped up by some narrow furniture legs) to create objects he dreams about and to control the dreams of the JLA. In this issue, Destiny is in prison but finds out he can do the exact same thing without the aid of his machine -- although for some reason he has to dream about himself rebuilding the materioptikon first. So he "dreams up" those goofy accessories and causes them to attach themselves to the JLA, all with the power of his mind. He even creates an unliving version of the Joker! Oh, and I forgot to mention in the body of the post, but the title was a play on the title of the JLA story ("The Deadly Dreams Of Doctor Destiny!").

Steven: Boy howdy, you weren't kidding! I'm most impressed by how many different artists over the years chose to draw that pimp cup the exact same way! Talk about continuity!

Fortress Keeper: Haw! Forget about how he made a teenage girl gouge out her own eyes. ("I can see the glory!") That antenna is something truly dark and disturbing.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I still think it would have worked better had he posed as some sort of super habberdasher.

Nepharia said...

"Also, I really wish I knew what happened to my nipples... and my package!"

Not sure about the nipples (how can you forget about losing them like that?), but it appears his package is just really small. I imagine he bares his nipple-less chest like that to compensate.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I think his butt is on backwards, actually.

"Oh my God, why didn't anyone tell me that my ass was this big?"