Donna Bummer

The superheroes had no idea what they were in for. Sure, they've battled giant monsters and techno-armored dictators and armadas of spaceships, but that's nothing compared to a Dazzler concert!



So, just half an hour in that Wasp-designed fashion bungle and the heat from the She-Hulk's radioactive rack is causing the cheap red dye to dissolve and drift through the auditorium in a deadly fog. What's that strange smell? Why, it's the acrid stench of a class-action lawsuit! Say, maybe the Dazzler's attorney ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. Gerald McBrainy (from the law offices of Simon & Simon) can lend a hand!

In case you never read "Dazzler" #21 (and may the Good Lord bless you and keep you if you have) I'll just say that the Dazzler is onstage for two whole freaking hours, rollerskating and thrusting and shaking her ass and putting her legs behind her head and, not that anybody really noticed, "singing" if you can call it that. And then it's time for her to get serious and do a syrupy ballad, while all the men in the 1982 audience start to put on their Members Only jackets or maybe just awkwardly sit there and wish somebody would invent a miniature portable telephone/computer they could use to play video blackjack and check the basketball scores.



"You see, I'm totally hyper tonight..." But that's probably just the diet pills talking. The lyrics make Diane Warren seem like Trent Reznor by comparison, but at least letterer Janice Chang has done her level best to make them illegible. Either that, or the jaunty kerning is meant to convey just how dreadful the Dazzler's singing really is. I'm guessing she manages to cover several octaves with each syllable.

Middle panel: guest-starring as the Dazzler's father, it's cult film star Bruce Campbell! Behind him, I think it's that kid with the stupid "heart" power from the Captain Planet cartoons.



Best. Reaction shot. Ever. Even the most battle-hardened superhero recoils in horror at the Dazzler's singing. I bet if Wolverine had been there (the X-Men missed the concert because they were "in space"... or at least that's they claimed) there would have been a little trickle of pee running down one of his furry legs. Oh, and Hawkeye seems to have been replaced by a bad guy from a Jonny Quest cartoon. And yes, the Dazzler's backup band did indeed consist of "Beefer, Hunch, and Marx." I suppose Hardrock, Coco, and Joe had another gig. And with the final three panels, writer Danny Fingeroth transduces the script into...

hackneyed...

overwrought...

maudlin...

stomach-churning...

crap.