Monday, October 09, 2006

My Most Disjointed Football Post Yet

Jeremy here again. I got the scanner to work, so woo-hoo! Oh, and Blockade Boy showed up around dinnertime (like usual), covered in dust and stinking of rawhide, mesquite, sasparilla, pomade, and exotic massage oils. As a souvenir of his trip, he brought me a picture... of himself. I guess he'll post it tonight (late) which is also when he'll tell everybody about a "very, very slight" format change for the blog "which kind of already happened, months ago, really" whatever the hell that means but at least it doesn't sound worrisome. I'll find out what it is with the rest of you! Right now, BB is wolfing down baked beans, right out of the pot, with a big wooden spoon. And it's 6:30 in the morning! Gross. He never used to do that before. Huh. Why, it's almost as bad as the time he came back from Asgard craving salted cod.

...So, how 'bout that football game last night? (That's the kind of thing I can say to my coworkers now. And do. Even on Wednesdays!) Yesterday I was faced with one of those "wisdom of Solomon" dilemmas because the Chiefs and the Steelers were playing at the same time on different channels and I only really have time to watch one whole game. I chose the Chiefs since I'm apparently morally obliged to be a Chiefs fan, if you ask anybody in this state. I recorded it (in hi-def) so's I could watch it in the evening. So you can imagine my surprise and slight nausea when it turned out to be the Jets-Jaguars matchup instead. Oh, the "info" button on the remote still told me it was the Chiefs game but that sure as hell wasn't what I was seeing. It wouldn't have been so bad if I'd at least given a crap about either team.

My notes:

  • Ref Tony Corrente needs to join "Toastmasters" so he can get better at public speaking. He just doesn't have any conviction. Sorry, Tony, but the way you said it, I'm just not buying that #95 was offsides.
  • Bizarrely random comment from Dick Enberg (is he always like this?) on Jaguars #27, Rashean Mathis: "...With a long hair-do and... one of the outstanding players in the league." That's not edited. He really did put a Shatner-esque pause after "and."
  • The Jaguars' Brian Williams' interception in the first quarter made me holler "YEAH!!!" and crystalized which team I wanted to root for. Um, the Jaguars, that is.
  • That Meester guy on the Jaguars (#63) has a serious case of Dan Spiegle face: double chin, fleshy lips, teensy eyeballs and strait, bushy brows. Also known as George Tuska Syndrome, this facial deformity afflicts two in five NFL players.
  • Enberg on Jaguars #32, Maurice Drew-Jones: "Only 5'7 but weighs 210. We asked him, "How big are those thighs?" He said, "about 40 each." I'm 5'8 and I used to be close to 210 pounds but I sure didn't carry the extra poundage in my thighs. Mainly my belly and my ass.
  • Always an easy source of gay inuendo, that NFL: in the first quarter the viewers were treated to a rear view of the Jaguars defensive line, all crouched down with their asses in the air, and bing-bang-bong, red, numbered circles appeared over three select posteriors. Announcer Randy Cross: "Here's three... tight ends." (He learned all about nonsensical pausing from Enberg.)

Near the end of the first quarter, the recording suddenly switched over the the start of the second quarter in the Chiefs game. Only it wasn't in hi-def. "My team," the Jaguars, had been leading the Jets 14-0. Now my team, the Chiefs, was trailing the Cardinals 0-14. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!

  • A retrospective of 1st career starts for Hall of Fame quarterbacks elicits this comment about Dan Marino: "And Dan had a tremendous head of hair as well!" What is it with NFL announcers and hair?
  • Sidelined with a hamstring injury: the Cardinals' #11, Larry "The Wreck Of The Edmund" Fitzgerald.
  • 2nd quarter: receiving a pass from Huard, Parker pretty much hurls himself backwards, into the waiting arms of professional ballroom dancer Louis van Amstel, and the two perform a simply electrifying cha-cha to "Do You Believe In Love" by Huey Louis and the News. Judge Carrie Anne Inaba gives them a 10! Okay, so I made some of that up.
  • Note to the Cardinals player who tackled Dante Hall in the second quarter. Okay, he's flat against the ground and the refs have been blowing their whistles for like a minute now. Slide your ponderous bulk off the poor guy already. Seriously. You're practically teabagging the dumb S.O.B.
  • Near the end of the 2nd quarter, Larry Johnson fumbles the ball while being tackled by a slew of Cardinals. Announcer on the play: "It will be reviewed." I give it "two thumbs down."
  • Spotted on the sidelines on the Cardinals staff: Flea, of the Red Hot Chili Peppers! Or maybe it's some other short, gaunt, bug-eyed guy with angry pointy eyebrows and my haircut.
  • Nice synchronized tumbling from the Chiefs' Kennison and the Cardinals' Green when they both dive for the same ball. Maybe they'll break out some ribbon dancing next.
  • Cool "first": KC's Jeff Webb made a 50-yard kick return in the first time he's had his hands on a football in the NFL. Jeezum Pete, you'd at least think they'd let him practice with a real football. What'd he use before? A wad of newspaper held together with duct tape?
  • Also cool: the longest reception of Larry Johnson's career, right before he almost got his entire head ripped off his body. Facemask penalty ahoy!
  • KC squeaked out a win thanks to Tynes' late fourth-quarter field goal and also thanks to the crummy failed field goal attempt by the Cardinals kicker, y'know the one, the guy with the Slavic eyebrows who looks like he must have to shave three times a day (and that's just his balls). So it was KC over Arizona, 23-20. There were some serious problems with this game. For one thing, the football must have been extra-slippery because everybody kept dropping it. My solution: coat in in hairspray! Also, just about every play had a flag thrown on it. Sometimes two. Or even three! (I'm not sure how that last one happened. It might have just been a kicky neckerchief.) My solution: take away their flags! Flags should be a privilege, not a right. If they want to overuse their flag, we'll just see how they like it when they don't have any flags at all! In fact, send the refs home! Who needs 'em? We'll settle all disputes through armwrestling. That way there's no loss of action when a play is called into question. Or maybe they could just rig up all the stadium seats with "yes" and "no" buttons. Yeah, that'd work.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

When you're happy hooray! Or sad awwww. I saw this picture and I thought that you would appreciate it. Or maybe not, I don't know. Why are you looking at me like that?

Jeremy Rizza said...

Haw! It looks like a big musical production number! The guy in the middle is especially Fosse-esque, what with him leaning forward while grabbing his helmet.