Muddy Night Football

Holy shit, do I really look like that?! Yikes. Er, anyhow, I watched the Denver/Baltimore matchup on ESPN's Monday Night Football. Which, judging by the opening credits, takes place in Dark City. Are ya ready for some tuning? With no previous emotional or intellectual investment in either team I decided to root for the Broncos because I kind of hate the Ravens logo. I suppose they were going for something old-school but to me it just reeks of manufactured nostalgia, and it's just plain ugly to boot.

• The show began on a titillating note, as a drop of water on the camera lens had me convinced for a half-second that they were blurring out someone doing something mind-bendingly obscene on the football field.
• And then it was time for that godawful Hank Williams Jr. production number, which I swear to God gets longer every single week. And of course, one of the announcers says "Can you hear that and not hit the 'up' arrow on the volume?" Which cracked me up since I'd just fast-forwarded through it.
• Nice twelve-yard return by Broncos #27 Darrent Williams (Jr.! HEEYAH!!!) with some awesome zig-zagging footwork. In fact, if you measured it by how much ground he covered, it was more like a seventy-yard return!
• Since it was 39 degrees and raining, the Broncos cheerleaders were covered head-to-toe and their wearing parkas and baseball caps. With the sex appeal removed, they just looked like they were a mob of ladies waiting to pick up their kids at school, and just by some strange coincidence, they had all had gotten drunk beforehand and started dancin' around.
• Broncos QB Jake Plummer's headshot looks like a yearbook photo... from a penitentiary.
• Tony Kornheiser to special guest James "Desperate Housewives" Denton: "I'm under the impression that people watch this show for the hot women! Who, exactly, is watching for you?" That question is ignorant on so many different levels it's actually kind of impressive. It's like a tirimisu of stupidity.
• I'm pretty sure Darrent Williams got the design for the sides of his haircut from the back of a McDonalds placemat.
• 3rd quarter, Broncos #24 Champ Bailey intercepted a touchdown pass. Sweet!
• Michelle Tafoya was dressed sensibly this time, but her compatriot Suzy Kolber was attired in a jacket that made her look like she was in the middle of transforming into a My Little Pony.
• Announcer: "[Baltimore's] Clayton catches, and goes down very quickly!" Well, that's one way to become popular.
• One ref seems to be wearing an onion on his belt. ("...which was the style at the time..." - Grampa Simpson)
• With the constant rain, the players were slipping and sliding all over the field, the funniest instance being when the Ravens' B.J. Sams caught the ball and the mere impact of it caused him to fall on his ass before he could even take one step forward.
• The game was tied 3-3 from halftime up until 1:55 left in the fourth quarter, when Denver finally made a touchdown, and then the extra point. So that decided it, 13-3. Just to rub it in, they intercepted the ball back from Baltimore with about half a minute left. It was an exciting game! I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me.