Friday, November 10, 2006

Clay, Pigeonholed

bbhead100906 I thought you might like to see some interesting clippings from the Marvel Universe version of "People Magazine."


vaughndoom1

From 1996: "There's an exciting new tyrant in town, and his name is Vince Vaughn! The lanky dictator recently forced critics to bow to his iron will with the indie feature "Swingers." Currently Vaughn is dominating the set of "Jurassic Park 2" where none shall oppose him -- not even the accursed Spielberg. When asked about his plans for the future, Vaughn haughtily replied (in a voice like a cold steel hand closing around this reporter's throat) "The staff of 'People' shall know the wrath of Vaughn if they do not appoint him 'Sexiest Monarch Alive' within the fortnight! Soon Vaughn shall topple all box office records and unleash a wave of postmodern, self-aware sex appeal crashing down upon America -- nay, upon the world! Every knee shall bend before Vaughn!" Vaughn is also a terrifying force in the nightclub scene, annexing the territory of a different starlet every night. Although some insiders worry that the non-stop partying will make short work of Vaughn's face and figure, it's the opinion of this reporter that Vaughn is a god amongst mere mortals and that his glory shall never diminish. All hail Vaughn!"


vaughndoom2

Aaaaannnd from this year: "The Fantastic Four recently ejected embattled despot Vince Vaughn from the set of his latest film, 'Fred Claus,' after he arrived for work looking puffy and melted. Vaughn's dissipated appearance has long drawn the ire of human rights groups and many teenage girls. (Although he looked relatively fit in 2004's 'Dodgeball' that individual was later proven to be a Vaughnbot.) The popular megalomaniac's whereabouts are unknown at this time. In a related story, Vaughn's former partner in screenwriting and evil, Namor Favreau, has been forced by his growing obesity to give up battling superheroes and to instead focus on directing invasions of the surface world from behind the scenes."

8 comments:

Phillip said...

Namor Favreau! He really is a natural-born fatty. He looks weird in Swingers, sick even. Those little ankle wings are really just decoration, now. (I'm confused, who the hell am I talking about now?)

Chawunky said...

>snrt<

Nice one. I have little to add.

Darth Nepharia said...

OMG! I KNEW it!

The Fortress Keeper said...

Guess this explains the rumors behind the break-up with Jennifer Aniston.

Crowded House said...

So...anyone want to see "Zoolander" starring the Red Skull and Doctor Octopus?

Bully said...

Oh man, I remember this...this was from that Micronauts follow-up to John Byrne's FF anniversary issue, right?

I loved the Micronauts. I loved Byrne's FF. But oh dear...this story, which seemed to be shoehorned in only because it involved tiny robots the same size as the Micronauts...oh dear.

Anonymous said...

Did you... did you photoshop in Vincent Caughn's name? I can't process this. My brain is broken. Dr. Doom and Vince Vaughn don't share the same multiverse, let alone body. I...

Blockade Boy said...

Phillip: Aw, I thought he was cute in Swingers! To each his own, though. But I do agree that some guys look better with a little more flesh on their bones.

Crowded House: Now, that's high-concept!

Bully: I'm afraid so, yes. Story by Bill Mantlo, art by Gil Kane and Danny Bulandi -- and that strapping bald gentleman in the last panel is Kane's seriously idealized Puppet Master.

Chance: No Photoshop necessary! It was already like that. Relax. Sit down. Put your feet up. Have some ginger tea. You'll feel better soon, I promise.