Does Whatever a Buckle Can

In "The Spectacular Spider-Man" #32 (July 1979) the hero probes the "House of Darkness" with a light mounted just above his crotch.

Yes, who doesn't enjoy projecting an image of their own face from their belt buckle? (I also have one of those Phantom-style rings that permanently imprints a goggles-wearing skull on a guy's ass cheek -- er, I mean, "forehead." 'Cause I'm two-fisted! Um. Well, you know what I mean.)

Wow, fifteen feet away and the image is still crisp. I wonder how he controls that thing. If it's like mine, then his right ball works the brightness level, his left ball operates the focus, and his dick is the zoom. (The dick is always the zoom.)

Fun fact: I have this idea for a "spotlight dance" belt buckle that combines the spider-signal with a "dance ray" utilizing the rare element Tarantellium. Just train the light on a bad guy and shout out a dance style (like the Hustle or the Shurg) and they have to do it. It would be a great gizmo for a hero with a name like "Captain American Bandstand" or "The Soul Trainer" or maybe a super-group called "The Party Machine with Nia People." I've got a prototype model but so far all it does is cause dangerous epileptic seizures and severe retinal damage. (Again, Jeremy, I apologize.)

Hey, bonus!

Extreme Makeover: Hovel Edition! Okay, how is this not a shambles? For reals. It's a rusted tricycle and two commemorative spoons away from qualifying as a flea market.