I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)

Presenting a new one-act play by Blockade Boy, inspired by a story in "What If?" #37 (February 1983).

Cast of Characters
The Blocker................Observer of All Things Fabulous................Blockade Boy
Reed Richards..........................Ductile Know-It-All.........................Hugh Laurie
Ben Grimm.................Lumpy Self-Pitying Whiner.................James Gandolfini
Norrinn Radd..............................Pathetic Bald Emo-Boy.............................Moby

Setting: Reed Richard's futuristic laboratory atop the luxurious Baxter Building.

The curtain rises on a darkened stage. After ten minutes or so, a spotlight tracks the Blocker entering stage left. He is a tall, powerfully-built man with a large bald head denoting an ancient wisdom. He also has a kick-ass bleached-white biker 'stache which is pretty damned cool if you ask me. He is attired in a modest, yet nipple-revealing toga. In purple, of course.

The Blocker: Greetings, friends. Know ye now, the fabric of time is as delicate as silk. With the subtlest alteration, a tear may appear that in time may destroy whole civilizations, or at least cause an awful lot of humiliation at your Junior Space Winter Dance, because your date Calamity King stepped on your trouser cuffs while you dancing and your pants got pulled totally off and now everybody's laughing at you, especially that bitch Polecat and even Calamity King is laughing his ass off and you feel horrible even though you only agreed to ask Calamity King out as a favor to his pal Green Boy who is the one you wanted to go with originally and so of course you have no choice but to start a brawl in the middle of the dance floor and you nail Calamity King square in the nose and Polecat goes down like a sack of space-taters and before you know it, half the school is wailing on one another in a seething mass, and you notice Green Boy's head is right in your crotch and it's not like he was trying to ram your stomach with his head and he missed and he's not trying to bite your nuts off, Jack Bauer-style, and it's not as though somebody else has bumped into him and pressed his head into your crotch, it's more like his head is just resting there -- and sure, finally the robo-chaperones drag you off and you get put on suspension for a whole semester but later Green Boy holo-phones you for a date so it wasn't a complete loss. Er, where was I? Oh yeah. Time. Annnnyhow, when the Fantastic Four drove Galactus away from Earth the first time, it was with the help of his herald, the Silver Surfer. So as punishment, Galactus made it so the Surfer was trapped on Earth. But he could have taken away his powers, too! So let's see what would have happened if the Surfer had lost his powers, and if he was desperate to return to his space-girlfriend, and if he went to Reed Richards for help, and if Richards was still secretly pissed off at the Surfer for bringing Galactus to Earth in the first place.

The Blocker exits, stage right.

The lights go up to reveal Reed Richard's futuristic laboratory, which looks remarkably like the set of "Sanford and Son." Richards is fiddling with a piece of high-tech alien machinery. To the untrained eye, the device resembles a rusted-out muffler.

Richards: Aw, sweet. I bet I could make a killer saxophone from this. Yo, Benny-boy! How you coming on the banjo?

Grimm stands up from a waist-high pile of junk in the background. He stays there throughout the entire scene.

Grimm: Well, I got a toilet seat here that could maybe work for the front part of the "pot" or whatever and there's a cardboard tube from some wrapping paper we could make into the neck but I dunno what we're gonna do for the struts or whatever the hell they're called.

Richards: How's about actual struts? Y'know, like from a car?

Grimm: Does that even make sense? And now that I come to think of it, does a banjo even have struts? Or is that just guitars?

Richards: How the fuck should I know? I ain't no musician. I just got me a jones to construct the world's most awesomest Dixieland band. And I prob'ly won't even care about that once the acid wears off. Which reminds me: you should probably get your ass out of there on account the junk is melting and reforming into a swarm of tiny alligators.

Grimm: Naw, I'm good.

Norrinn Radd enters, stage left, in an agitated state.

Radd: Reed Richards! Praise the space-gods, I have found you at last!

Richards: Christ almighty, not you again! Haven't you caused enough trouble?

Grimm: And what's with the "I have found you at last" crap? We fucking live here.

Radd: If I have offended you, I apologize most sincerely. I come to you on a mission of utmost importance.

Richards: No shit? What, did you lead another planet-destroying giant here?

Grimm: 'Cause you're really good at that.

Radd [annoyed]: As you will recall, I lent you my aid in repelling the World-Devourer, and I was punished for my betrayal when he stripped me of my space-spanning cosmic powers.

Grimm: Yeah, that was pretty funny, alright.

Richards: Yeah, when you were all silver and shit you looked kinda awesome but now you're just this dopey bald jerk-off.

Radd: I shall get right to the point, then. I seek a way to return to my homeworld of Zenn-La and the waiting arms of my lost love, Shalla-Bal.

Grimm: Huh. I don't remember you being so hung up on this "Sha-na-na" person when you were macking on my girlfriend, chico.

Richards: Aw, man! I forgot all about that! [he waggles a finger at Radd] That was totally uncool, dude. I mean, look at Benjy over there. He had a hard-enough time snagging a blind girlfriend, much less a sighted one.

Grimm: Yup, because even if they can't see me, they can still feel that I'm butt-ugly.

Richards: He had to track down a blind girl with a mothering complex so she wouldn't mind just sitting there and listening all the time while he went on and on and on about how fugly he is. The two a' ya don't even screw, do ya, Ben-Ben? 'Cause it'd pulverize her into little bloody gobs! Haw!

Grimm [looks down, sheepishly]: Alicia wants to take it slow.

Richards: So I can only imagine what kind of dog this "Sally Pal" person is.

Radd [imperious]: If you must know, I'd say she's a dead ringer for the Terran pop singer, Christina Aguilera. When her hair was black.

Richards: Day-um! No kiddin'?

Grimm: I'd hit that.

Richards: Well, hell, dude... let's get your sorry ass off this dirtball planet! I already got me an idea on how to do it. Ben-Gay, where'd I put that orange "flying harness" we recovered from the Negative Zone?

Grimm: Huh? What are you talking abou--

Richards: There it is. Right in front of you. See? The special magic "flying harness? [he raises his eyebrows a couple of times] You know the one I mean?

Grimm: Oh! The flying harness! Yeah! Sorry, I can be a real dumb-ass sometimes.

Radd: This looks like a life-preserver with some macaroni-art glued to it.

Richards: HA HA HA HA HA! Oh you stupid alien sunuvabitch!

Grimm: Yeah! You stupid sunuvabitch!

Richards: What the fuck would you know about it? I'm the scientist here!

Radd: Well, I was an astronomer on my homeworld, which is lightyears ahead of yours when it comes to technology, so I think I'd know a little something about this.

Richards [throws up his hands]: Fine! Screw it! You can invent something yourself, then. Get lost.

Radd: No! Forgive me, friend. It's only that I miss my beloved Shalla-Bal so...

Richards: Dude's got blue balls, huh? Check it, Bendy-straw! Ol' Baldy here's gonna make a booty call! [he smacks Radd on the back of the head]

Radd: Ow!

Richards: Lessee, lessee, what else do I got that's orange -- er, I mean, "spaceworthy?"

Grimm: Yo, how's about that quiver -- um, I mean, "propulsion unit" -- on top of the busted-out TV over there?

Richards: Attaboy, Benihana! Now you're gettin' it!

Grimm: And that old bike helmet! Er, I mean, "atmospheric bubble generator!"

Richards: Now we're cookin'! Get ready for the ride of your life, Norville!

Radd [wary]: "Norrinn."

Richards: What-ever. Jesus, you're a buzzkill. Has anyone ever told you that? Hey, Bensonhurst! Toss me that extension cord! And the gaffer's tape! No, the orange gaffer's tape! And the broken "Speak and Spell!"

[Richards hastily assembles the junk around Radd's body, while Radd stands there looking uneasy. When Richards finishes, he stands there silently observing Radd until Radd's nervousness overwhelms him and he speaks.]

Radd: Is-- is that it?

Richards: Is what it? ...Oh, you mean the flying harness inter-...spacial... rocket. Device. Sure, why not? OKAY! What you need to do next, is you get your ass in that elevator over there [points stage right] and press the "up" button and it'll take you straight to the roof. And then all you do is walk to the edge and jump and at the same time press this button on the control pad right here.

Radd: Why do I have to jump?

Grimm: You just do, okay?

Richards: You need that extra little burst of propulsion or whatever, or else you'll never make it to your planet and you'll just be floating out in space forever and then you'll die. That clear enough for you, Sparky?

Radd: Thank you, friends. I shall treasure this day always. [He exits stage right]

Grimm: I thought he'd never leave. Now we can get back to making your banjo!

Richards: Banjo?! What the hell are you even talking about?

[The lights go down and the curtain closes. The Blocker strides majestically in front of the curtain and addresses the audience.]

The Blocker: Norrinn Radd plummetted to his messy doom soon after. But as he fell, he had a vivid day-dream about soaring through space, into the arms of his lady-love. And he also had enough time to imagine Galactus taking a gargantuan dump on Reed Richards and Ben Grimm.

finis