Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Somewhere, Under the Scalpel

bbwhitestachehead In "Lois Lane" #52 (October 1964) I came across conclusive evidence that Lucky, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun, has undergone plastic surgery. We all know what the "after" looks like. But check out the "before"!


Feck! Ol' Lucky's had more work done than Nicolas Cage! Let's see... he's had ear reduction surgery, tooth implantation, botox, and complete reconstruction of his upper skull to move his eyes further apart, as well as Clay Aiken-style hair lightening. Plus he took up weight training and he fired his old costumer! So I offer my most heartfelt kudos to Lucky. It takes a big wee man to admit his failings and to take adorably tiny steps to improve himself. That puts him way ahead of his compatriots, who are still in denial about their various conditions.

Examples? But of course!
  • Cap'n Crunch: achondroplastic dwarfism
  • Count Chocula: porphyria, microcephaly
  • Quisp: hypertension
  • Tony the Tiger: gynecomastia, a.k.a. "male breast enlargement"
  • Toucan Sam: deviated septum
  • Booberry: anemia. Also, he's dead.
  • King Vitaman: hemophilia
  • Frankenberry: rosacia
  • Trix Rabbit: kleptomania and species dysmorphia
  • Diggum: three-pack-a-day smoker
  • The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chef: chronic flatulence
  • Sugar Bear: third nipple
  • Cookie Crook: converted to radical Wahabist sect of Islam while in the slammer, currently in Gitmo
  • Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo: meth addict
I could go on, but you get the idea. It's a pretty sick scene out there, in aisle five.

My favorite cereal mascot? Glad you asked! It's a handsome fella whose moniker just happens to be the same as the one I earned on my high school magno-ball team. Behold: Fruit Brute!

...Okay, so they never called me that on the court. Just in the locker room. And I was never technically a team member.

By the way, is anybody else kinda freaked out by this kid?


He looks like the "Island of Doctor Moreau" version of Alvin the Chipmunk.


Steven said...

With those acne scars, I would say more of a young Edward James Olmos.

Yes, I go for the easy jokes.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I'm cuckoo for smack!

Word verification: kidnxi, didn't Kid Nxi get turned down from the Legion of Superheroes? It's all a clique, man.

Anonymous said...

Oh great. Now I'm hearing a sped-up-to-45-RPM "are we not men?" chant while Dave Seville's trademark "Doo Doo-doo-doo, doo doo" music plays in the background.

"Ready Simon?"

"Not to go on all fours!"

"Ready Theodore?"

"Not to claw the bark of trees!"

"Ready Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!"

(Alvin evicerates Dave)

Jeremy Rizza said...

Steven: I'd say that was pretty damned brilliant, actually.

Jon: Kid Nxi got turned down because his nxi powers got completely out-of-control at his audition, nxiing the entire clubhouse. It was a real mess. (I saw it on the holo-news!)

Chawunky: Haw! I've been waiting for Alvin to take out Dave for years.