Monday, January 15, 2007

From the Cutting Room Floor

bbwhitestachehead In "Jimmy Olsen" #105 (September 1967) Jimmy winds up on the World of 1,000 Olsens, where everybody looks just like him. And I mean everybody. For reals! Even the women look like him! (Admittedly, it's not much of a stretch.) There are also transformed versions of himself from past Jimmy Olsen stories, like Wolfman Olsen and Elastic Lad Olsen and Human Porcupine Olsen. And everybody on the entire planet hates Jimmy's guts, which is somehow a mystery to the insufferable teen. (Jimmy's ego is on par with Jade's from "America's Next Top Model.") So the Olsenoids throw his ass in jail. And there Jimmy might have stayed, if not for a visit from Bearded Olsen.

jo105beard

OH MY GOD THIS IS KIND OF LIKE THE PLOT FROM "ANYTHING GOES!" *hands flutter delightedly* Er. *ahem* Give me a sec to drop my voice back down a couple octaves and we'll resume. Mi mi mi mi... MI. There, better. Sorry, Broadway always does that to me.

What kills me about this whole sequence is the phrase "when a chemical once made me grow a beard." Yeah, it's called testosterone, Jimmy. Thank God Superman put you on that hormone therapy to reverse it, huh? Now your cheeks stay as smooth as Dan Didio's head, twenty-four hours a day! Of course, your nut sack has retreated inside your stomach cavity and you've begun lactating! But it's a small price to pay to retain Superman's friendship, right?

Now let's see how this whole mess began.

jo105bowtie

Right, Jimmy. They're stoning you to death because they don't fancy your bow tie. Dumbass. Wanna know the real reason?

They've mistaken you for Tucker Carlson.

Stoning seems like a sensible response to me.

6 comments:

Scipio said...

GODS, I have always loved that story.

Tucker and I have always hated each other (actually, I don't think he actually started hating me until I called him a dork to his face in an elevator after a joint appearance on something).

I wished I thought of making a Jimmy Olsen crack at the time. HA! That would shown who the dork was...

David Lawson said...

Labels: beard, Jimmy Olsen

There something about Lucy Lane that we don't know about?

Kon-El said...

AAAAAAHHHH!!! It's my worst night mare!!!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Looks like he made it out alright though, right. Too bad.

Justin Garrett Blum said...

What this installment doesn't show is the painful plastic surgery Jimmy had to undergo to remove furniture glue from his face.

Blockade Boy said...

Scipio: You lead a very interesting life.

David: You have no idea how much I wish I'd used that joke.

Kon-El: My own nightmare would be the World of 1,000 Geoff Johns, but I understand your pain regardless. Also, sorry you're probably dead.

Jon: Jimmy's harder to kill than a cockroach.

Justin: On the next page, prison guards chase him into an alley and he peels the fake beard right off because "the glue didn't have time to harden!" I guess it was Ikea furniture glue.