Thursday, February 28, 2008

Tie Me Angry Dude Down


The Australian hero, "Blackwing"...
  • ...suffers from symbolic hallucinations that represent his illiteracy.
  • ...didn't listen to his mum when she told him, "If you keep making that face, it'll freeze like that. (Now, finish your Tim Tams, dear.)"
  • ...has an intravenous drip of illegal steroids next to his bed, for use during both sleep and sex.
  • ...forgot to treat those papercuts earlier, and now they sting like a motherfucker.
  • ...bought those fake-ass wings at Hop Topic, and he wears them everywhere. Even to funerals! It's upsetting to me.
  • ...styles his hair with Crisco (butter-flavored, natch).
  • ...has pyrotechnic farts.
  • ...has thighs so big, they can wear belts made for fat guys.
  • ...lives in an outback town with only one library. And it only has humongous prop books imported from Gotham City.
  • ...likes to scream obscenities into that walkie-talkie he carries around on his waist... but here's the deal: there's never anybody on the other end of the line. The poor screwed-up bastard.
  • ...once made out with an emu. He told his friends he was drunk at the time. But he wasn't. He totally wasn't.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

And evidently he hangs out on the roof of some warehouse, fighting the zombies hands that spring up out of it.

Bill S. said...

That's not a warehouse! That's the giant prop book from Gotham!

I want to work in that library.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Holy cow, you're right!

That could be the Necronomicon. A BIG Necronomicon.

Anonymous said...

In Soviet Russia, Evil Dead raise Necronomicon!
--Lord Morgue

Skeleton Munroe said...

The zombie hands are also from Hot Topic. He just stands there all the live-long day, waiting for someone to take his picture.

Dave said...

In Nomine has a lot to answer for...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Bill S.: Just be sure you have a good chiropractor. (Lifting those massive tomes are hell on your spine.)

Jon and Lord Morgue: Ia! Ia! Kangaroo Fthagn!

Jonathan: Or sketch him! He needs to pack all that shit up and get his ass to a convention or sumpin'.

Dave: Heh. It sure looks that way!