Wednesday, January 23, 2008



[Fade in on the cavernous and sparsely-populated headquarters of "Mercenaries, Incorporated." Tub stands,facing a glossy 8x12 "glamor shot" of Batman, while General Angst and Doctor Moon watch Tub.]
Tub [points at photo]: But I don't hate him!
[General Angst nods at Doctor Moon. Doctor Moon silently moves across the room and pulls a giant lever. In response, the bland fluorescent lighting of "Mercenaries, Incorporated" dims, and is replaced by a slowly spinning kaleidoscope of lights, with a blue-white spotlight falling on General Angst. Music rises in the background.]
General Angst [sings]:And... I... am... telling you
Fuck up Batman
You're the best man I'll ever hire
No way Bats can make me retire
No, no, there's no way
No, no, no, no way
I'm living in Arkham
I'm not living in Arkham
No, I'd rather be freeeeeee
I'm staying
I'm staying
And you
And you
You're gonna help meeeeee
Oooooh, ahhh
You're gonna helllllp me
And I am telling you
Fuck up Batman
Even though you are dumb, I'm sure
I'll make it good, good for you
I'll give you some ice cream
Some cherry-vanilla
And maybe some sprinkles
And I'll pour some fudge on
And time to time
I'll take you to the fair
No, no, no, no, no, no way
I'm not waking up tomorrow morning
And finding that the Batman is there
Tubby, there's no way
No, no, no, no way you're not fighting Batman
You'll be stomping his head in
With your, with your bare-ass, smelly feet
Please just go away to the
Go, go and fight him, AYAYAYAEAH
Go, go and fight him, AAAAHOOO
Please, go and fight him
You're so big
Fight him, mister
Fight him, mister
I know, I know, I know you CAAAAAANNN
You're like a spastic, yeah
Full of plastic
You can take what he'll bring
And not feel a thing
Tear both his ears off
Bitch-slap his belt
He's not gonna dent ya
But you'll leave a welt
FUUUCCCK up Batman
You're the best man that I can see
Plus our only remaining employee
No, no, there's no way
No, no, no, no way you won't fuck up Batman
'Cause you will fuck up Batman
You will fuck up Batman
I'm just sick of his face AAAAAAAAYYAYAYEAH
He's going
And you
And you
And you
You're gonna help me
You're gonna HEELLLLPP me
Yes you are
Yes you are
Help me
Help me
You're gonnnnna hellllllllllllllllllllllp
[The music rises to a crescendo, and then it fades. The lighting returns to normal.]
Tub [looks up from a calculator he'd been playing with]: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?
[Fade out.]


Bill S. said...

There is nothing I wouldn't give to hear Celine Dion perform this in concert. And I hate Celine Dion!

Anonymous said...

Gee, it's almost as if General Angst was...I don't know..."projecting" his own insecurities onto Tub. Sad really.


Anonymous said...

Sheesh. General Angst is _such_ a ham.

Okay, so now after work tonight I have to put the Dreamgirls soundtrack on to see how well you've matched up these lines to the actual song.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

*taps foot*

That was to the tune of that one song from Pirates of Penzance right?


Jeremy Rizza said...

Bill S.: With a French mime slowly rolling a medicine ball painted to look like Tub across the stage, while chanting "Ay ay ay."

Phil: General Angst is just plain "sad", period.

Justin: I based it on the Jennifer Hudson version. It should match up pretty well. I listened to it over and over again. Now my ears are ringing, and I feel a bit queasy.

Jon: Gah! It's obviously a Cole Porter tune. C'mon!