Thursday, April 06, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Four Of Infinity

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Did you know... 80's fashions are so intrinsically hideous that they generate an invisible forcefield of bad taste? This forcefield, comprised of tiny, garishly colored particles called "tacky-ons", can repel not only food and pet stains, but also magic swords, energy beings, and vibranium-adamantium discs.

Hey, Dazzler? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but that's not a miniskirt. That's technically just a really wide belt and you should count your lucky stars we're not seeing your mutated cooter right now.


Oh, so he's really more like the Bi-yonder! Quite the motley assortment of disembodied heads in the Beyonder's lust diorama. Apparently his ideal love partners include Lois Lane, a young Dick Cheney, drag artist Charles Busch, James Carville in a toupee (or possibly Josh Hartnett), Shelley Long, and the Weather Wizard from the "Justice League" cartoons.

Okay, so who here thinks a female Beyonder might look like LaToya Jackson? Show of hands? And he gave himself a female shape but it never occurred to him to, oh, I dunno, tailor the suit a little? There's enough room in there for a second person! Then again, that could be his come-on line.


In a beret, a kerchief, and an impish smile, it's le oui-yondeur. I think he's really digging on that outfit. Maybe a little too much, actually. Seated in the back there and colored a solid, typically 80's purple-gray, it's another She-yonder. And she seems to be entranced by the Garcon-der (who's toting either The World's Longest Menu or a piece of lumber). I know I should be squicked out by the idea the Beyonder is staring at his own ass. But I have a blog, which is pretty much the same thing.

Bonus! Pick up girls through the power of LASIK!


It looks like he's mentally giving the Dazzler a nose job. At any rate, those goopy beams of his don't appear to be connecting with anything. Aha! Dazzler's performing a psychic cock block!

Good for you, honey. Good for you.


Anonymous said...


I understand why Dazzler's got the little shock lines around her head while on the Champs d'Beyondeur, but why is the Garcon-der's hand shocked? Is it because it's jealous of She'onder's attention? Why would someone's hand be jeal--


And where the hell is that? Andre's? Awnies? Anoui's?

Jeremy Rizza said...

I never even noticed that about the Garcon-der's hand! My guess? He'd glued some googly eyes on it so it makes a little puppet when it's in a fist. And googly eyes look surprised all the time.

And it looks like "Awnie's" to me. It's Paris' finest awning-themed outdoor cafe! Stop on by and enjoy some Pheasant Under Awning, or if that's too fancy for you, some hearty American-style Pigs-Under-An-Awning. Even their umbrella drinks use awnings instead. Which makes them utterly impossible to consume without spilling them all over you, but trust me, it's worth it for the ambience.

Anonymous said...

Heh and double-heh.

Word verification: "xxokbp": An alien British Petroleum franchise.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of nose jobs, Beyonder made a body just like Cap's right? A couple of times in this retrospective, he's seemed to have a much more Roman nose than Steve Rogers. BTW, why was Dazzler wearing that tarty lingerie getup? Dazzler, you put on a Flashdance workout costume right this moment! And those legs had better be warmed, missy! There. *Much* better!

Phillip said...