Monday, April 03, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part One Of Infinity

Well, thank God that's over, huh? I'd delete Storm Boy's post but I want everyone to see how fat he's gotten. (The only reason I kept my tongue in his mouth for so long when we were making out is 'cause it had found a whole Krispy Kreme that had gotten lodged in there. Mmm. Sweet.) Er. Moving on...

I'd like to proffer a great big "thank you" to blog commenter Cozmic, for his suggestion I post about the fashion choices of the Most Powerful Wigga In This Or Any Other Universe, a.k.a. the Beyonder. An incomprehensibly vast and bodiless intelligence, the Beyonder decided to take on a human body, eventually settling for a copy of Captain America's. Why? To quote the comic book: "Observing the reactions of many humans to Captain America convinced him that a body like Captain America's was the best possible." Pfft. I dunno about that. Not content with Cap's blonde blandness, he decided to get "with it" and make his hair look like Michael Jackson's. And then he gussied himself up in a series of increasingly ugly clothes.

I'll get to his famous "air filter" armor later on, but I'd like to start with his hip-hop jumpsuits, with their huge collars, shoulderpads and multiple pockets. (It turns out God shops at Chess King. Who knew?) Here's a taste from "Secret Wars 2" #3 (September, 1985). In this scene, the Beyonder engages in the Bizarro World version of Shinto Buddhism, where everything worships him.

bow down

I love his cheesy smile. It looks like he's about to tell me how I can become a millionaire selling Herbalife. You can see the upturned collar in this picture. (It was the Eighties; upturned collars were mandated by federal law.) But let's get a look at the whole outfit.

you too bitches

Yes, the Beyonder has boundless self-confidence and the respect of everyone around him -- and it's all possible thanks to his new hair! (Sorry -- turned into Cy Sperling there for a second.) Anyway. That's some stylish sanitation worker, huh? Dig the Amish-style lack of zippers, buttons, snaps or any other kind of fastener. The waistband is undoubtedly elastic. That means my seventy-five year old dad could wear this, and he has a huge painful bulge in his side from when they had to remove a rib! I love how that one guy in the middle right-hand side there, Robbie Robertson or Element Lad or whoever, has an expression of stark screaming horror. Finally, someone with an ounce of sense!

Also, I hate to break it to the Beyonder, but those folks aren't bowing down like that because they're worshipping him. It's because his outfit has given them the dry heaves.

Hey, bonus! Look at this!

put some damn clothes on

Oh, it's Witchblade's mom! To quote: "Without this circuitized exo-skeleton, I would be helpless -- with it, however, I have the power to move, and better yet, avenge myself!" That's swell, hon. Now would it kill you to put some damn clothes on? (Do you think she cleans herself with one of those cans of compressed air?) And is it just me, or is the Beyonder giving her the finger in that last panel? The Beyonder, you bitch--!

More Secret Wars 2 fashion disasters tomorrow! And the day after that, and the day after that...!

(Later: Sorry I misspelled your name, Cozmic. It's fixed now.)


Jeremy Rizza said...

D'oh! Sorry about the spelling mix-up, Cozmic. It's fixed now.

And thanks again for the idea. I couldn't believe how much fashion-y badness I found in those comics.

Anonymous said...

Another easy way to tell that it's the '80's? Look who that is behind the Beyonder's knee there! Careful! You can see he's shy because he's hiding. That's right, it's mystical kung fu badass Iron Fist. He had never and will never again enjoy the level of popularity he had around this time, and the best he rates here is a behind-the-knee floating head. Cloak got a better spot. PUCK got a better spot! I eagerly await Iron Fist's next shot at the big time, though. Not only because I want to see someone avenge him for the way Brian Bendis always seems to make him into a gutless, ineffective Jimmy Olsen to Luke Cage (Brian, no one minds if you make Iron Fist gay, but you may not make him a wimp because he could kick Daredevil's ass over a house). The other reason I'll be glad to see him back is his impeccable fashion sense. The green Danskin leotard with the high yellow collar? The yellow pixie slippers? The mask with the streamers on it that makes it look like he has a second sash on his head? And then the cherry on the sundae, his muy macho dragon chest tattoo. Looking good, Danny, looking good.

(P.S. Is that the Angel with his nose up She-Hulk's butt? WARREN!)

Anonymous said...

Gah! I guess that's just the way the Worthingtons roll.

OK, Circuit-Breaker seems like she's totally bitching out the Beyonder about her look: "My GOD! I pay through the nose for you to design me an original gown for the Oscars and THIS is what you come up with> What the F*CK!?"

And the Beyonder, in the third panel is all, "Hey honey, I can't help it if you can't live up to my genius. Go throw on some Vera Wang piece a' crap if you wanna fit in...>SNAP<...

Or something.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Anonymous: I had no idea about Iron Fist (haven't read a comic with him in it since the 80's). Bendis strikes again, huh? Gah! I am so over that guy!

Chawunky: Hee! The Beyonder would have cleaned up on Project Runway.

Heidi Klum: The Beyonder and Nick, you represent the two worst designers. The Beyonder, you completely ignored your client's wishes. The judges think your design reveals too much "tootie" and your taste level just is not there. Nick, your suit was kind of wrinkly. (Heidi stands there silently for a full minute while dramatic music plays.) The Beyonder, you're "in."