Yes, who doesn't enjoy eating an entire roast chicken and then washing it down with a strawberry milkshake? (That's a typical Sunday brunch in Storm Boy's time bubble!) Of course, in the very next panel the Beyonder magically makes himself buff again. No fancy equipment or gym memberships for him! Jerk. That's from "Secret Wars 2" #3. In issue #9, this happens:
I have got to get myself one of those things. "Hmm, what could I go for about now? Coffee? Nah. A bagel mini-pizza? Mmm, nope. A taut, well-hung adult male? Yeah, that'd hit the spot. I'll just mosey on over to the kitchen and -- HEY! Who forgot to clean out the machine from last time?!" If you squint real hard at the first panel, you'll find that the Beyonder's sense of modesty makes a Wahabist mullah look like Sean Connery in Zardoz. Behold: fetal underpants! Because no ultrasound technician wants to be exposed to that.
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Cozmic, especially! Yah-tah-tah-dah! (plays regal fanfare with a comb and tissue paper)
The Beyonder, you get off of Mr. Weatherbee's desk this instant!
Good gravy, whatever could those dopey things on the Beyonder's shoulders be for? I can only guess...
1. Ultra-high performance air filters, improving the Beyonder's fuel economy by 3-4 mpg.
2. Organizes his CD collection.
3. Strains plankton from the ocean.
4. Intimidates his enemies by resembling big, toothy frowns.
5. Continuously blast "Hungry Like The Wolf" at ear-splitting decibels.
6. Can be used for launderin' yer gingham nightgown down at the ol' crick.
7. Perform three big, show-stopping numbers in "Little Shop Of Horrors."
8. Are used by Smurfs as luxury skyscraper apartments.
9. Great for garnishing seven-foot tall, chrome-plated glasses of iced tea.
10. If the Beyonder makes you mad, just pull a lever on his back and they snap shut, turning his head into scrumptious deli-thin slices of luncheon meat.
*phew* That's all I've got on "Secret Wars 2" for a while. It's back to the usual random assortment of junk next week. Have a great weekend!
10 comments:
11. Dueling A/C units allow Beyonder to suck and blow at the same time.
Maybe the shoulders are a saggy trampoline that his disembodied head, neck, and collarbones are bobbing in.
But the Beyonder is ripping off a Maximus the Mad original! You can't hide your sources by just removing the hat, dear.
Haw! To all of you, and an "Eeeww!" to Chawunky for the disembodied head thing. I'm officially creeped out now.
That was a lot more entertaining than Secret Wars 2 itself.
Hope your brain is still intact after wading through those particular comics...
While number 5 is a good possibility, I personally believe that the Beyonder has somehow welded two tanning booths to his shoulders so that he can get the perfect tan while he walks. C'mon, tell me that that idea didn't cross your mind
Janet, meanwhile is having a post-traumatic flashback to Milan Fashion Week. She's all "Great Scott! Those shoulder devices are *gulp* MAGNIFICENT!! And those holsters on his legs! Those would be perfect for storing Red Bull! I've never seen such daring fashion, except for that time Maximus tried to destroy humanity! How can I get this omnipotent being out of the way so I can steal his ideas?!"
Fortress Keeper: Why do you think I had to stop after only five entries? After seeing the Beyonder's umpteenth "baggy trousers/flared-shoulder top with puffy sleeves" outfit, I became convinced I had been caught in a temporal loop. In actuality I had been suffering a series of mini-strokes.
Crowded House: That would explain all the times the Beyonder entered a room and some secondary character remarked, "Sounds like somebody's frying an egg..."
Anonymous: Gracious, that armor does look like a Van Dyne Original, doesn't it? Although the sheer weight of it would cause a typical runway model to suffer a collapsed spinal column.
Hey, BB. Combining you love of 80's superfashion and your scorn for rivals, there's someone I'd like you to meet. The two of you might even hit it off. He is an 80's Australian character from Cyclone press called Southern Cross. He's a designer (!) from Sydney(!!) and I think he needs your help. He has the worst 80's hair I have ever seen (Vixen bad). And his costume is as dull as dishwater, with one redeeming feature: he carries a pimp cane, even though he flies. The only place I ever saw him was in the backup to an old Grimjack comic, but I just stumbled across him again on the web. Maybe your network of agents could get you some pictures, or even examples of his designs.
Hey there, Anonymous! I looked up Southern Cross on the International Superheroes database. The first picture I saw of him was drawn by Jerry Ordway -- probably a cover, I bet -- and he didn't look all that bad to me except for the dumb armbands. Then I saw what the regular Cyclone art teams did with him, and hoo-BOY was it awful. Southern Cross was, sadly enough, the best-dressed guy on his superteam. Even with the Billy Squier hair. Dingo, Night Fighter, Lieutenant Smith... they could all take a lesson from him. Well, Lieutenant Smith's biggest problem is her addiction to volumizing shampoo, but still--! I might have to take on the whole team. Or alternately, I could dog on the three different Southern Crosses I found on that site. They all need my help.
Thanks for the suggestion!
I know this is disturbing but my young mind actually tracked down all the crossovers and loved them from this series. Very disturbing. But that Beyonder! So hidious in retrospect.
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