Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Secret Wardrobe 2: Part Two Of Infinity


From Secret Wars 2 #2, that's the pre-Jheri curl Beyonder, wearing his cheap knock-off of Captain America's designer body. Hey, check out the dude in the foreground. Sweet muttonchops!

In this same issue, the Beyonder swipes a suit off a mannequin but it's way too small. Luckily for him, he's immediately accosted by a Sassy But Wise Black Lady, like they have on TV.


Extreme Makeover: Homeless Edition! Not long after, the Maya Angelou of the dumpster set asks the Beyonder point-blank, "How come you're so dumb? You from space or something?" Okay, first of all I'd just like to announce that I'm stealing that line and I'm going to use it as often as I can. And secondly, I love how it's a legitimate question in the Marvel Universe.

Secret Wars #5 introduces that sensational character find of 1985: Tabitha Smith, a.k.a. Boom Boom, Boomer, Time Bomb, Meltdown, blah, blah, blah...! The Beyonder may be from space (and therefore dumb) but even he knows Tabitha won't make it far in comics with a face like hers.


Extreme Makeover: Homely Edition! I read this when it first came out, and even then I thought, "You don't want the Beyonder to make you pretty, Tabitha? Don't worry; that'll be taken care of by every single artist who ever draws you, ever, ever again." Let's do a quick before-and-after, shall we? Here's Tabitha in Secret Wars 2 #5 (November, 1985) and in X-Factor #12 (January, 1987).


Note that the plain Tabitha is crying for real and the pretty Tabitha is only pretending to cry. Deep, no? And Tabitha has stayed pretty, with occasion stops in Hottieville and its outlying suburbs, Trampy Towne and Wetly F***able Corners.

More Secret Wars 2 dish tomorrow, but before I go I'd like to talk about Tabitha's Devo sunglasses. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that these sunglasses, nay, her entire ensemble, looked not only "normal" but "fashionable." And if I had a choice of walking around with a puffy blackened eye or covering them with those particular sunglasses? I'd demand a third option, preferrably while firing a machine gun in the air to emphasize my point.


Anonymous said...

I have noticed three things about Eustace H. ffinster-Smythe, Muttonchop Detective.

1) He is the Owl in disguise. Good job playing it cool, Owl.

2) From the position of the gun patch on his sporty shooting jacket, we can deduce that he is either left-handed or goon enough to buy whatever shooting jackets were on sale at the Salvation Army, thus suppoting my Owl theory.

3) When a raving man gets off an elevator, his first instinct seems to be to surreptitiously check out his package.

Anonymous said...

Nice muttonchops, and nice Buscema-style cheekbones. Bam!

And a general "Ha!" for this post.

jaz said...

Marvel has tried the plain-looking girl character on a few occasions, most notably with Kitty Pryde, but it never lasts long before they go all hottie... same with the efforts to keep them in a realistic cup size...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Anonymous: Marvel needs to get the Muttonchop Detective his own book, STAT. Maybe they could co-star him with Dakota North. (Assuming he's not the Owl.)

Cozmic: The beauty part about the bag lady? This wasn't her first appearance! A footnote states she also showed up in "Marvel Fanfare #20." I'm guessing that was their double-sized "All-Hobo" issue. (Special guest star: D-Man.) Also, a huge "Haw!" to you for the Jeri Blank reference.

Chawunky: Glad ya liked it! Good point about the cheekbones.

Jason: Yup, it's a national problem. On the DC side, there was the new Wonder Girl. First she was tomboyish in ugly, baggy clothes, and four, five years later, BAZOING! She's in tighter jeans than a Vegas hooker.

Adam said...

Once again I refer you to Nextwave. Here's Tabitha's latest incarnation. She's now a giggly pretty paris hiltonesque character dum dum cheerleader thing. It's funny, but not as interesting as her first appearance.

Steven said...

With Wonder Girl, however, there are three factors:

One, she purposesly chose to wear an ugly wig and glasses, despite her mother telling her she's look better without them;

Two, puberty. It happens;

Three, she's the daughter of Zeus. Another famous daughter of Zeus?

Helen of Troy.

Those are some good genes...

in those jeans.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Well reasoned, Steven. In regards to your first point, however, I was referring to Wonder Girl in her civilian identity, with the Georgia Engel haircut and the "layered look gone wild" clothing. Heck, even her original Wonder Girl togs showed more skin than her regular outfits. Of course, she was never as homely as Tabitha -- I can think of few teenage superheroine characters who ever were, really. But Wonder Girl was the closest and most recent example that came to mind. That's discounting genuinely deformed characters like the Doom Patrol's Dorothy Spinner and that prematurely aged girl from Morrison's X-Men comics, natch.

Anonymous said...

But, wait... I have it on good authority that KID DEVIL is the sensational character find of 1985. I saw it on a pin-up in Blue Devil. Seriously, go look! I'm just saying-- let's keep it real. (Damn funny BTW!)

Anonymous said...

Sweet monkey Jeebus, I damn near shot coffee out my nose at "Wetly F***able Corners."
Good stuff there, although I personally have the fashion sense of a homeless comics fan...