Thursday, December 07, 2006

Putting The "Oof!" In "Bouffant"

blockadesantahead My pal Scipio has often written about the most terrifying beehive hair-do in all the known universe... Night Girl's. I believe I have discovered its gentler, yet no less powerful counterpart. The Venus to its Mars. (Or the Mumm-Rana to its Mumm-Ra if you're a spaztastic dorkatron.) Behold... the bouffant of the Queen Bee! (From the "Missing Man" feature in "Pacific Presents" #1, October 1982.) It hums!


Sure, people may try to convince you that it's actually the Queen Bee herself who is humming, but I have it on good authority that the intoxicating humming sounds emit from the immaculately-arranged strands of her bouffant. And how are you going to prove me wrong? Her lips never move! But I digress. Here's how it works: the heavenly melody is teased from the individual follicles by the slightest air current, just like the wind whistling through high-tension wires. Only the King can resist the bouffant's charms, and that's because his own spiky hair creates a counter-frequency. (Duh. It's science.)

But the Queen Bee's bouffant isn't just a musician. It can also act! Let's look at some of its many moods.


The Queen Bee's bouffant is pensive and mysterious.


The Queen Bee's bouffant is high-strung and easily startled. Especially when someone mentions honey.


The Queen Bee's bouffant weeps openly and it doesn't care who sees it.


The Queen Bee's bouffant is capable of delivering a soliloquy from a Lifetime Original Movie.

In short, the Queen Bee's bouffant doesn't demand your respect. But then, it doesn't have to. It beckons you to your destruction with its siren song, and like Odysseus, you have to lash yourself to a mast or be smashed against the rocks.

Long live the Queen Bee's bouffant!


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

She aughta get that dang hair out of her eyes is what she should do. Damn hippies.

Nepharia said...

Actually, Jon, I was thinking that maybe her eyes have something to do with her hair singing...who knows.

Xocolotl said...

She doesn't have eyes. Her hair uses sound and air currents to construct a sort of radar sense. Pale skin stretches across her orbits; a stylized bee is tattooed on each. If you can meet her gaze without flinching, you will learn the exact time and manner of your death.

Nepharia said...


Jeremy Rizza said...

Xocolotl, I think you just wrote like the best J-horror movie ever. Bravo!