Friday, December 08, 2006

Insane Crown Bossy

blockadesantahead Yesterday I gave you all a glimpse of the King, the crimeboss who employed the Queen Bee.

kingnoeffect


All the other men in the room were totally grooving on the curvy young woman in the bee costume yet "somehow" it didn't affect him. "Somehow"...! Whatever! It's because you're gay, King. Just like I knew I was gay when the sight of Teri Hatcher in a restored holo-recording of "Soapdish" had no effect on me, and also because of all the guys I was boning.

Viewed from a distance, the King's hairstyle might be mistaken for a merely wind-blown coif, or perhaps one with a modest set of hair-horns, like Cain's or Damon Hellstrom's. Ah, but it's so much more extravagant!

kingstallingkingreveal



Now that, my friends, is a supervillain hair-do. Bravo, King! His henchmen are lined up outside his one bathroom doing the pee-pee dance for hours every morning while their liege primps and preens. The King probably measures each spike to ensure that they're all the exact same height. I bet he fantasizes about somehow weaving actual jewels into his hair to carry the illusion of a crown even further, and then he dismisses the idea because it would look too queer even for him and then he sits down on the edge of the tub and just feels depressed for a while. No doubt he's in a supervillain baseball league, and his batting helmet has holes drilled in it so his hair won't get ruined. And when he dozes off at strategy meetings in his crappy rented throne, the henchmen all take turns using his hair to skewer various items, like inter-mob memos and slices of processed cheese.

The good guys in the "Missing Man" story all have normal haircuts, with the exception of the title character.

missingmanblushing



"Syd Mane"?! Oh, it's his stylist.

That's not an artfully-arranged forelock. That peculiar curl is sprouting from the very top of what passes for the Missing Man's head. An unfortuate choice, since it makes his mostly-theoretical noggin resemble a tomato, or perhaps a "do not disturb" sign. I will give the Missing Man credit for the cleanliness of its shape. Not a hair out of place! Assuming the Missing Man even has hair. I'd love to know his secret (so I can steal it!) but since he's a Steve Ditko character I can only assume it involves a clunky belt or other high-tech device, a mysterious unnamed energy source, and the sound effect "FWAASSHH!" In which case, forget it. Because that is so not my style.

5 comments:

Phillip said...

The "FWAASSHH!" is the sound of the mysterious gas escaping from the clunky belt. Or at least that's where he says the gas is coming from...

Darth Nepharia said...

"And when he dozes off at strategy meetings...the henchmen all take turns using his hair to skewer various items, like inter-mob memos and slices of processed cheese."

I bet you could even play ring-toss on them too! What fun!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I knew a guy in high school who had hair kind of like that.

Anonymous said...

The King, usurping Third World countries' Gross Internal Product to spend on hairspray since 1967!

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I'm linking both you and Absorbascon.

Scipio said...

"the sight of Teri Hatcher in a restored holo-recording of "Soapdish" had no effect on me"

It's good to know that the 30th Century manages to salvage some of 20/21st century culture from the Great Devastation.