Friday, June 15, 2007

Lanarexic

s183lanabelt2

Lana Lang is offered a classic strand of pearls to wear but she opts instead for a garish, glowing, red-and-yellow belt. This proves to me something I've always suspected: if there had been magenta halter tops emblazoned with rhinestones spelling out the word "WHORE" in 1961 Smallville? Lana would have bought three.

s183lanabelt3

"...A race of very small, slender people who lived in outer space!" Ah, the Kucinich people of Rossperot 9. Nice folks, if a bit talkative, plus you have to try and ignore the "crazy eyes". There's a legend that some of them tried (unsuccessfully) to take over the United States in the late 20th/early 21st century. But of course, such an idea is preposterous.

And of course the belt fits Lana. She's been subsisting on nothing but coffee and soda crackers since 1958! Because she's sure that if she can only get skinny enough, Superboy will finally commit to a relationship! (Sorry, hon, but you'll have to get past Pete Ross first.)

s183lanabelt4

You're not flying, Lana. It's just that you've lost so much bodily mass that Earth's gravity no longer has any effect on you. (You're going to be doing a lot more of that "*gasp* YEEOOOOWW!" crap once you hit the ionosphere.)

11 comments:

MaGnUs said...

Damn anorexia. I mean, damn Lana...

Bill S. said...

I absolutely LOVE this. "Lanarexic," indeed!

Sleestak said...

i like the Cousin It cameo in the last panel

Justin Garrett Blum said...

My god--possibly the "most amazing discovery" of his entire career, which may prove the existence of extraterrestrial life, and he just leaves it out on the table for his semi-retarded daughter to probably break by attempting to wear it. This guy should have his National Geographic Society membership revoked or something.

Blockade Boy said...

MaGnUs: "Damn Lana!" is a good all-occasions curse, isn't it?

Bill S.: There's more where this came from!

Sleestak: Haw! Or maybe it's the back of Tina Turner's head.

Justin: Like all good archaeologists of 1961, Prof. Lang's practice is to unearth the rightful treasures of foreign lands and take them home to America to decorate his house. He actually has the Ark of the Covenant in a corner of his den. He's using it as a humidor.

rachelle said...

Hilarious.

Hi, I love your blog and should comment more.

Bully said...

And then, Magneto used her as a weapon against Superboy.

Wait, sorry. "Kid Magneto."

Yankee Jones said...

I love how at the end of this story, it turns out that Lana's vulnerable to wood, thus providing an explanation for Clark's Super Virginity!

Dave said...

I wanna see this story in the Gender Reassignment Challenge parallel universe.

Lane Lang has a ring to it.

Blockade Boy said...

Rachelle: Thanks! And feel free to comment all ya like!

Bully: At least it wasn't the Kid Skull or Intern Doom.

Yankee: You are positively filthy. (Not that I'm complaining.)

Dave: Lane Lang is "Gravity Guy!" Your request made it in just under the wire, Dave. I'll add it to my list!

MaGnUs said...

BB: Yes, it is. Especially if you're talking about TV Smallville Lana...