Tuesday, January 29, 2008



Ah, Max's Bar and Grill, the finest dive in Lallor's famed "Paper Dollar City" (a stunning recreation of 20th century Milwaukee, constructed by an insane space-cheddah-billionaire for no good reason).

I remember this night. Kind of. I mean, I have some idea of what happened from a few clues:
  • I know I must have trashed the joint, because today Max sent me a bill for replacing both the windows and the doors; most of the booths and tables; the plumbing in the mens' room; and even the ceiling, which he claimed had suffered "extensive pipe smoke damage."
  • I woke up the next morning with the fashion critic's face nestled securely in my crotchal region, alternately sobbing and asphyxiating. Sadly, sex with me had left the man a blubbering wreck (as it so often does) and he's currently residing in a mental hospital. So he is no help to me at all.
  • Whatever I did, it must have been spectacular, because whenever I enter a hover-biker bar now, there's sure to be a couple of tough hombres who point at me and whisper, "It's that guy from Max's!" and then they run out the door screaming, waving their arms theatrically about.
I just can't, for the life of me, remember what I was wearing to set off the whole incident. I know it wasn't one of my costumes. They were all at the sonic cleaners.

So help a dude out, okay? We'll do this in contest form. Describe my apparently shocking and/or kooky outfit for me. (Only one guess per person, please.) I'll post a picture of myself in the winning --er, I mean, "correct" ensemble -- on Friday. Sound cool? Thanks! You're the best.


Gus Casals said...

Well, leather, or course. Tough, motorcycle leathers, roughly sewn ( you know that hard leather is not that easy so sew, but tought, chunky seams look good anyway ). I'm not sure if you had a codpiece, which looks hot, but is only for "fantasy" bikers, the real deal just have trousers.

Short boot, gloves, diagonally zipped jacket ( again, real biker stuff ). And just as s concession to the past, your classic yellow tee from your first appearance and probably your wristbands ( do you ever take those off?).

Not hat, cap or anything else, just your clossed cropped hair, full beard ( looking kind of nasty, like right before getting a clipping ). And shades...that only hide your trademark domino mask.

Or maybe this is just my fantasy speaking...

Anonymous said...

I've got it!
Sean Connery's outfit from Zardoz.


It's retro-futuristic, it's Bear City, it shows off the ol' picnic basket, and it's practical enough to trash a biker bar in. A true post-apocalyptic fashion apocalypse. By H'ronmeer's green sack, I'm a genius!

-Lord Morgue

Bill S. said...

You were wearing a silver a-line dress by Mary Quant, white tights, a pair of (steel-toed) Mary Jane's, a pair of cat's eye glasses that you BeDazzled yourself, scary-ass Kabuki make-up, and a wig that looks exactly like Night Girl's crazy ass beehive with the words "Dave Clark Five" spelled out in rhinestones in it. You then proceeded to do Karaoke versions of "Don't Sleep In The Subway" and "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" while alternately kicking guys in the nads and slapping them across their firm and supple backsides...but you know that either way, they liked it.

Sorry, I was listening to the B-52's first album on the way to work this morning, and it is possible I overdid it.

Bill S. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sea-of-Green said...

Well, you know, that's what happens when you walk into a bar dressed like Cosmic Boy.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Ah yes, I remember the incident like it was yesteryear...

You had:
Pirate boots ('Cuz everyone always looks awesome in those)
Kneehigh athletic socks with green stripes (I think you were going for that 1970's retro thing)
Buttless chaps (To feel good, you have to look good)
A weightlifting belt (Guess you were pumping up at the gym)
A tight yellow Muscle shirt and short shorts (to show off the guns)
Shoulder pads with spikes (I think you were going for that Mad Max kind of thing, or perhaps WWF's Legion of Doom)
Metal bracers on your arms (again, to look cool)
Some kind of visor (or something)
a viking helmet (No doubt to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies and to protect your noggin)
And a pair of white feathery wings (I think you just beat up a Victoria's Secret model)

Nepharia said...

You were wearing white after Labor Day weren't you? Shame, shame, shame....

Anonymous said...

You were wearing a well-tailored tuxedo. Complete with white gloves, top hat and specially made Blockade Boy cufflinks (rook insignia made out of lurium). The addition of a domino mask capped out the outfit.

From the front.

From behind, however, you didn't have a stitch on. Which means either there is some sort of invisible fabric out there or the front end was held on with double-sided tape. Check to see if you are missing any clumps of body-hair to be sure.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Gustavo: You couldn't see it, but I did one of those full-tilt Tex Avery wolf character eye-popping, levitating horndog freakouts when I read that. (I think I sprained something!) Curse my preternatural hotness!

Lord Morgue: Ah, my tennis outfit.

Bill S.: I'm going to respond to something in your deleted comment: how did you know about my kono juice allergy? That stuff's like my red kryptonite, in regards to how it (temporarily) affects my personality. Good call! Say, maybe the Blockade Boy Revenge Squad slipped some into my jell-o salad. (Those fuckers are insidious.)

Sea of Green: Wow! If that's the case, I hope it was the chest-baring number I designed for him, and not that pink nonsense with the optional bubble helmet.

Jon: In my day, the name of that store has been changed to "Thanagaria's Secret" and the wings are real. I'd better check the local hospitals!

Nepharia: Heaven forfend! But then, I am a rule-breaking hooligan.

David: Haw! Was it a half-top hat, too?

LurkerWithout said...

This spring any memories. Plus you kept asking for Bizarro Jello which are known for causing strange aging effects...

Skeleton Munroe said...

You had on an astonishing Western-themed outfit. Your boots were black as night, with a scene picked out on each in seed pearls: on the left, you fighting a dozen men. On the right, you, making love to those same men. You were wearing a sombrero, almost twice regulation size, likewise black. Around the brim were a variety of insults and double entendrés, spelled out in luminous hallucinogens (curiously, almost a quarter of the vowels were missing). Atop the brim, a tiny robotic Blockade Boy cycled through a preprogrammed routine of salacious dance moves. 'tween hat and boots, all you wore was what appeared at first glance to be a reddish poncho. Upon closer examination, one would find it to be made up of your own shoulder, back and chest hair, which you had allowed to grow to several feet in length and subsequently had woven into an incredibly comfy blanket-like garment. Turquoise beads dotted the front and back and formed the image of an incredibly rude Lalloran hand gesture in the middle of the chest.

spazmo said...

Got one. All you'll need is a white singlet, tube socks, and a pair of scissors.

Phantom Lad.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Lurkerwithout: Grampa?

Jonathan: Well, in that case, I was just asking for it.

Spazmo: I'd forgotten how cute Phantom Lad was in his pre-junkie period! Although, if I wore that outfit, the "pube vents" would look like three Grouch Marx mustaches all stacked up in a row.

Bill S. said...

I choked when I posted my original suggestion, thinking I had to have some sort of explanation for you being dressed so un-Blockade Boyish, and then I thought better of it and deleted it. I am wishy-washy, ala Charlie Brown.

But yes, we're ALL allergic to kono juice. That's the whole point of kono juice. Without kono juice, Braniac 5 would have never have gotten into Supergirl's pants. Or skirt. It's the 100% fruit juice equivalent to liquid ecstasy!

Or so I hear.

Anonymous said...

Tulle. You wore tulle. A vast, fluffy cloud of tulle.

Not quite white, but a shade of pink so pale the use it for calibrating whiteness sensors down at Jomonomono's Ultra-Paint Emporium. It looked... surprisingly good, once you got over the brain-numbing incongruity.

Of course, it's the fact that the outermost layer was actually monomolecular diamond sheeting that accounts for the terror-stricken hover-bikers. Have you ever cut yourself on that stuff? It's like the worst paper-cut ever, times a million.

Did you know that you get really friendly and touchy-feely when you're smashed on cosmo-kono-tinis? Just walk in to a bar and say "Heyyy, gimme a hug!" and see how much faster they all run...

Jeremy Rizza said...

Wait, so I was wearing one of Storm Boy's designs for Rainbow Girl? Holy cats! I must've been snockered!