Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Featuring Angelina Jolie as the Abomination


Oh, and the other guy is the Chilean super-hero, "Capitan Jupiter." But who cares? I just can't stop looking at that monster's mouth! For some reason.

Capitan Jupiter is actually some dude named "Rex Vane." Which doesn't sound terribly Chilean to me. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've dated a Rex Vane. If it's the guy I'm thinking of, he told me he was a fashion model, but it turned out he was really an exotic dancer. I had to have a long talk with him, which ended with me asking him to move in with me. The whole thing ended in tragedy (after, like, four days) and I still can't look at a pair of leather chaps without getting all teary-eyed. Not that I've ever actually cried. I haven't! SHUT UP! *pounds on table for emphasis* But if "Rex Vane" doesn't sound like the name of a Chilean native, that's okay; he actually lives on Easter Island! ...Well, that's where his "secret headquarters" is located, anyhow.

Capitan Jupiter's origin is along the same lines as Green Lantern and Insect Queen, where space aliens dish out a powerful device to some dumb shmoe. In el Capitan's case, he was abducted by natives of Jupiter. After a thorough probing (I assume), they gave him a super-power belt, with six buttons on it:
  1. Invisibility
  2. Super-hearing
  3. Professional-strength force-field. Saunter through a nuclear reactor with no noticeable side-effects!
  4. Laser-beam eyeballs
  5. Flight, up to light-speed, and he doesn't even get crushed down into a singularity or whatever the hell normally happens to something going that fast. Cool, huh?
  6. Invulnerability to hostile environments, like outer space, the bottom of the sea, or a used-car lot
Okay, I'm going to be brutally frank, here: I REALLY WANT A BELT LIKE THAT. Storm Boy! Make me a belt like that! I need it by -- oh, let's say "Friday."

...Balls. He's not even looking up from his desk! Maybe he didn't hear me. HEY! STORM BOY! I said, make me -- aw, hells naw.

The husky li'l queen just flipped me the double space-bird! I'm going to have to cut this post short, now, to allow myself more time to slap the snot out of him.

See y'all tomorrow! *balls up fists and stomps away*


Jim Drew said...

Rex Vane, huh? He probably think that comic's about him.

Jeremy Rizza said...

Yeah, I heard he flew his Learjet up to Nova Scotia, to watch the total eclipse of the sun. Granted, he's an astronomer, but C'MON!

Stephen R. said...

I heard he walked into that party on Saturn like he was walking onto a yacht. Then, he had the NERVE to have one eye in the mirror as he watched HIMSELF gavotte!!!

Sure, his belt if FLAWLESS, but a little modesty would be nice, Mr. Vane!

Jeremy Rizza said...

I also hate how he wears his mask dipped strategically below one eye. What the hell is that all about?

LurkerWithout said...

*stares at monster again*

Well, I've figured out what to get you for birthday...

To the Space Super Exotic Yet Creepy Pet Store!

Jeremy Rizza said...

Sweet! I've heard they can do some wonderful things with "gift-wrapping" there...